Axl: Guess I'm gonna be sick that day.
Darrin: Wait. How do you know that?
Axl: I know it, Darrin, 'cause I'm gonna pretend to be sick.
Sean: You can't. That's Jack's party. Your parents will never let you go to a party after you've missed school.
Axl: Sure they will, 'cause I'm gonna do the "sick, not sick." Just got to lay a little groundwork. Like, the night before the test, I'll be "too sick" to go to that Hoosier game you invited me to.
Darrin: Hey. Since Axl's gonna be sick, can I go with you?
Axl: There is no game, Darrin. I'm gonna pretend there's a game, then pretend to be too sick for it, therefore "too sick" the next day to go to school and take the test. And then, 'cause I'm young and awesome, I speedily recover in time for Jack's party. [coughs]
Frankie: Are you okay?
Axl: Oh, yeah. It's just a little tickle. [Frankie walks away] Like taking candy from an old baby.

Axl: Schmula. It's our sacred day of remembrance.
Senora Porter: You're Jewish?
Axl: I don't think it's legal for you to ask me that.
Senora Porter: Okay. Then why does being Jewish preclude you from taking the test?
Axl: If I get what "preclude" means, Schmula is our day of silence in honor of the harvest.
Senora Porter: In that case, Señor Heck, I'd be willing to come in on Saturday, and you can make up the test then.
Axl: Thank you for accommodating me, but unfortunately, I have to go to a funeral.
Senora Porter: I'm sorry to hear that. Who died?
Axl: My aunt. Her name's Betty Robinson. She was 97. She went off a bridge. It's right there in the paper. You can look it up.
Senora Porter: [reads paper] Oh, my gosh, Axl. I'm so sorry.
Axl: She shouldn't have been texting. Her last one was "Record Matlock." She'll never see that episode a fourth time.
Senora Porter: Look, don't you worry about the test. You take care of you.

Mike: Wait, wait, wait, wait. Are you talking about walking away from our house?
Frankie: Maybe. I don't know what I'm saying. I'm just thinking out loud.
Mike: Frankie, that's not the way it works. You struggle for years and years and fall behind on your payments, until you get evicted by the sheriff, who throws all your stuff out on the lawn in front of the neighbors. That's how you leave a house in America.

Brick: "Sound trumpets! Let our bloody colors wave! And either victory, or else a grave!"
Frankie: [v.o.] About a week ago, Brick discovered the complete works of William Shakespeare. We didn't always know what he was saying, but it was a cool party trick.
Bill: Hey, you got one with trees in it?
Brick: "Thy huntress' name that my full life doth sway. O rosalind! These trees shall be my books."
Mike: Weird, right?

Axl: What? Sick at school and then a party that night? Who could be this awesome? Funny you should "Ax".
Darrin: You are my God.
Sean: Nicely done. But wait, what are you gonna do about tomorrow? We only took the written part of the test today. Tomorrow's the oral exam.
Axl: What? Uh... Okay, okay, let's see. Well, looks like I'm gonna have to be sick again. I'm just gonna have to do the "sick, not sick, sick."
Darrin: But we have a game tomorrow.
Axl: Let me finish. I mean the "sick, not sick, sick... Not sick."
Darrin: [points at Axl] God.
Axl: Yes.

Mike: I swear, I'd burn this place down if it wasn't flooded!

Brick: "O, woe is me, to have seen what I have seen, see what I--" Eh. Even Shakespeare never got this tragic.

Axl: [answers phone in a croaky voice] Hello? [normal voice] Yo, Sean. What up?
Sean: Get this. Coach said if you're not at school today, you're not playing in the game tonight.
Axl: What?
Darrin: What's he doing? Tell him I'm here.
Sean: Darrin's here. Look, dude. It's over. Just come to school. No one can do the "sick, not sick, sick, not sick, not sick."
Axl: You're right. I may not be able to do that, but I can do "sick, not sick, sick, not sick, Jewish holiday."

Sue: I can't believe that in the middle of the most important skit of my life, you are creating so much upheaval.
Frankie: Nobody's doing any upheaving. We're just exploring, okay?
Brick: "'Tis better to bear the ills we have than fly to others that we know not of." [whispers] "Know not of."
Mike: Okay, whisper or Masterpiece Theatre, Brick. You can't do both.

Brick: [to camera] "There is a tide in the affairs of men, which, taken at the flood, leads on to fortune. On such a full sea are we now afloat, and we must take the current when it serv--"
Frankie: Hey, Brick, stop bothering the neighbors and get over here.