Judge: Let's have a look at your files.
Chidi: Wait, you don't already know everything about us? You're not omniscient?
Judge: Well... Not in the way you mean. I try to learn as little as I can about the events of humankind so I can remain impartial, 'cause I'm a judge. Yadda, yadda, yadda. That being said, sometimes I get bored and I cheat a little bit. I've been bingeing Ken Burns's Vietnam recently. It's okay. I mean, I'm immortal, but that thing is long. You know what I'm saying. Anyway, your petition is denied. I can't hear your case. Please exit to the rear.
Chidi: What?
Judge: I just absorbed the entirety of your existences, and I just wanna say you guys are so cute. And the thing is, you didn't file any paperwork, and you have no advocate, and the rules say I gotta [blows raspberry]... Send you back.

Judge: Say aluminum.
Tahani: Aluminium.
Judge: I love that!
Judge: And I love your passion. I mean, it takes a lot of guts to just show up here unannounced. Plus, I haven't had a case in, like, 30 years and I'm super bored. So, it's either this or start Bloodline, and I don't know, I just don't feel like I can see Kyle Chandler as anyone else but Coach Taylor.
Eleanor: So, the case?
Judge: Right. [rises] Let's do it.

Judge: I'm going to give each of you a test to see how much progress you've made. And if I deem you fit to be in the Good Place, then... zoop. Up you go. Well, actually, sort of that way. [exlaims]
Eleanor: Great. Can we be tested together as a group?
Jason: Yeah, we all need to be able to cheat off Chidi. Oh, that's why your name is Chidi. I get it now.

Judge: I'm sorry, cuties, the tests have to be individual.
Eleanor: Well, can we be graded as a group then? The only reason we've come this far is because we've helped each other. And I don't think anything's gonna feel like the Good Place if we're not together.
Judge: So, if you all pass, you're in. And if even one of you fails, you're all effed, right? [all nod] Terrible idea. I mean, truly awful. You are very lucky that I cannot send you to the Bad Idea place, because that one is a stanker. But whatever blows your dress up, am I right?

Judge: Tahani... it's such a pretty name. My name is super boring... Gen. It's just short for hydrogen, which was the only thing that was in existence at the time that I was born. Anywho. All you have to do is go through there, walk down the hallway, and through the red door at the end.
Tahani: That's it? That's my test?
Judge: Yep. Oh, also everyone in every room that you pass is going to be discussing what they truly think about you. Okay, have fun.

Shawn: Just tell me why. Why would you do this?
Michael: It's not like I planned it. I was just trying to prove that humans could be made to torture each other. Instead, they helped each other and got better. They were bad people. This is not supposed to be possible. So the only explanation is that somehow, there was a mistake made and these people belong in the Good Place.
Shawn: No they don't, idiot.
Michael: Shawn, this is not fair.
Shawn: Pft, fair is the stupidest word humans ever invented, except for... Staycation.
Bad Janet: Ew.
Michael: Look, those four humans are good people and they deserve a staycation in the Good Place, and I bet the Judge will feel the same way.
Shawn: I doubt she even hears their case. But if she does, one of them will screw it up. They always do.

Judge: You guys have made great strides and you made it to the Good Place. Congrats. Take these medallions and go right through that portal, and you're there in a jiff.
Chidi: We made it.
Eleanor: We made it.
Chidi: We made it.
Eleanor: Holy crap! [both cheer] All those ethics lessons paid off. Whoever said philosophy was stupid?
Chidi: You- You did, many times. As recently as this morning.
Eleanor: Whoo!
Chidi: But-but you also worked really hard and you deserve this.
Judge: You really do. Here's the thing, though. It's just the two of you. Tahani and Jason didn't make it. I'm giving them tests right now to determine where they belong within the Bad Place, so you might wanna reconsider that judges-together thing 'cause if you stick to that, you're all going down. I am so hungry. Why am I so hungry? Oh, my... I'm such an idiot. I forgot to eat my burrito. And I was so hungry, too. What a dork.

Eleanor: Okay, obviously, this is the test, right? I bet the Judge gave Jason and Tahani the same offer, and whichever couple takes it, actually loses and the other two get in for real.
Chidi: Oh! Diabolical.
Eleanor: Hey, Judge. We figured out what you're really...
Judge: Nope. Tahani and Jason have not been given the same offer. Here, take a look. Tahani's test is to walk down the hallway and not get tempted by her gossiping friends. Jason is playing video games.
Eleanor: Oh. Okay, cool. Sorry, I feel weird saying this to an almighty judge, but you have hot sauce on your chin.
Judge: Thank you. It's actually not hot sauce. It's envy. Or, the concept of envy. It's really good on Mexican food, it gives it a little kick.

Eleanor: Okay, so what do we do?
Chidi: Mmm.
Eleanor: Oh no, that was your moral quandary grimace, which is different from your gas pain grimace. And different from your someone said "from whence it came" instead of "whence it came" grimace. So, spit it out, man.
Chidi: Well, if this isn't a test, then it's something way worse.
Eleanor: What?
Chidi: A choice that we have to make.
Eleanor: Yeah, you know, why can't one part of the calculation of our eternal fate be easy?
Chidi: I don't know.

Judge: How's it going in here?
Jason: I'm losing by three. Meditating to calm myself down. I'd be winning by, like, a million if I could play as the Jags instead of playing against the Jags. I hate scoring against my own favorite team. But you already knew that. Because this is the test!
Judge: Yeah, that's not a revelation or something. I explained that very clearly.