Trevor: Hey, "El-Train"... you think with all these new Star Wars movies they'll finally make a new Spaceballs?
Eleanor: I'm sorry, I'm getting a text, and I have to take this.

Eleanor: You gotta relax, man, you're off the clock. It's just a simple drink with friends at the world's worst restaurant.
Chidi: No, but Trevor's right. I might skew the study by fraternising with the subjects. We can be colleagues. Associates is pushing it. And by even having this conversation, you're becoming my confidant! I can't have that.
Eleanor: Geez, I kinda thought that before everyone else showed up, you and I were... like becoming actual friends.
Chidi: Oh no, you're right! What have I done?
Eleanor: OK, OK. I... I'm gonna go... to the bar and get you a hot tea. OK. Or a regular-temperature Xanax.
Chidi: Mm.
Eleanor: Try not to fall apart.

Simone: Are you alright? You didn't sleep at all last night.
Chidi: Yeah, I got a solid eight minutes. Not consecutively, but still. It's fine! You're not even that blurry.
Simone: You gotta take it easy, man. I mean, you're not sleeping. Your eye is twitching.
Chidi: This study has to be airtight. And this ethical question of friendship with the subjects is weighing on me.
Simone: I've done a million of these things. I promise I'll warn you if you cross any lines.
Chidi: I don't want to come anywhere near those lines! I have been waiting my entire career for the right thesis and I am not going to blow it. I have to keep this professional.
Simone: Fine. But you need to get some rest. This morning you bit into a raw egg like it was an apple.
Chidi: I thought it was hard boiled.
Simone: Yeah, but still, the shell.

Trevor: So what happened to you two love birds last night, huh?
Tahani: Frankly, it is none of your business.
Trevor: Uh, sorry.
Tahani: Jason was a perfect gentleman last night. Thank you so much for getting me home safely. I wouldn't blame you, should you ostracize me for my boorish behavior.
Jason: You weren't boring, you were fun. Crazy story. After you got into the cab, I forgot where I lived but then I looked across the street and there was a motel. And behind that there was a dumpster. I slept in a dumpster.
Tahani: Jason!
Jason: No, no, no, it was fine. And it was super fun getting to know you. You're the fanciest person I know. Next to my friend Ronnie, who drives a limo. He's in limos all the time. Oh, what a life.

Eleanor: Are you OK?
Chidi: Sorry, uh, literally one second ago I was at the front desk. Uh, don't know where I got this. Anyway, are you coming to class?
Eleanor: [sighs] I just don't think the group thing is for me. I'm better when it's one-on-one and we're both looking at our phones and I don't know the other person and we don't talk. I might just head back to Arizona.
Chidi: L-listen. My whole life has been a... a torture chamber of indecision and now I'm finally on the path to understanding why and the only reason that's happening is because you walked into my office, and you said you wanted to be a better person. That was really brave. Now, I know we barely know each other but... please could you give me three months? Can you give me three months? I am asking you as a friend.
Eleanor: See, I just told you I don't like talking. That whole thing could have been sent in a text that I pretended I never saw. [sighs] Fine. You did good at talking. I'll come back to class. Come in. No?
Eleanor: I'm gonna drive you back.

Michael: Hey, Dick Tracy called... said that I was right about Eleanor and Chidi having an unbreakable bond.
Trevor: I don't think you understand how that joke works.
Michael: Yeah, that doesn't matter. We won. That's the point.
Trevor: You won squat. We're gonna get 'em eventually. I'll just keep chipping away till one of 'em bails.
Michael: These four humans are all I care about in the universe. And there is nothing, I mean nothing that's gonna come between me...
[A portal appears in the bathroom]
The Doorman: Oh, cool. You're all together. The Judge wants to see you.
Michael: Now? Right now?
Trevor: Um, like all of us or...
The Doorman: Yep. So this is Earth, huh? [turns on tap] Whoo! Pretty cool.

Judge: Michael, how many times did I say you could go down to Earth?
Michael: Actually, you weren't 100% explicit...
Judge: One time! I said you could go down there, save their lives start the new time line and then come back here to observe them. One time! Is what I said. Uno! One!
Trevor: Your Honor, I have to say, I support you one "hundo" percent. I mean, what Michael did is unbelievable. Now, granted, I also tricked the Doorman and snuck down to Earth but what are we gonna do... [The Judge flings Trevor into the void]

Judge: Your experiment with the humans is over.
Michael: Are you gonna kill them?
Judge: No. But starting now... there is no more monitoring them. They're just regular humans that need to hit the regular point threshold to see if they make it into the Good Place.
Michael: Hm...
Judge: And if they don't... [blows raspberry] And right now, the two of you are going back to the Bad Place.
Janet: But they'll retire Michael. And I'll be marbleized!
Judge: Well, maybe you should have thought about that before you intervened in human affairs! I mean, because of you, Byron Allen owns The Weather Channel now.
Michael: Is- Is that bad?
Judge: I don't know, but it's weird, man!

Chidi: OK, uh, Simone's gotta analyse the scans, so why don't the rest of you head home? Good first day, everyone.
Eleanor: Hey, Teach. Um... do you think maybe... we could continue the one-on-one lessons on the side? I feel like, last week, I had my own personal ninja master and now I'm taking tai chi with bunch of farting housewives.
Chidi: Between the new project and my classes, I won't have time. But this is way better! You're still gonna learn a lot and you'll have a fun group of people to study with outside of class!
Eleanor: But...

Waitress: Hi, dudes! Welcome to the Cowboy Skyscraper Buffet!
Trevor: Oh, hey, can we get the Florida table? They absolutely nail the swamp stench!
Waitress: Aw, someone's seated there. But if you purchase our "Manifest Destiny" package for 30 dollars you can have anyone you want forcibly removed from the table.
Eleanor: We'll just sit anywhere.
Trevor: When your table's ready, this gun will go off!
Chidi: I think... this is real.