Eleanor: Human meeting. Bedroom. Now. [hops up on ledge]
Michael: Oh, yeah, um, that no stair thing, that was part of the torture. Let me help you. [stairs appear]
Eleanor: Son of a bench.

Eleanor: Look, Michael's a liar. I know liars. It was my job to trick people into buying fake medicine and I was the top salesperson seven years in a row.
Chidi: I thought you only worked there five years.
Eleanor: Proves my point! This is a trick. There's no way we trust him.

Tahani: I agree. He could be lying about this whole thing. For all we know, you three are in the Bad Place and I'm up in the Good Place, where I belong, being tested.
Chidi: How would that even...
Tahani: I don't know, but it's possible.
Chidi: Before we do anything, we need more information. We should ask him every question we can think of.
Tahani: Yes. Yes, we shall grill him like the flank of a Niberian piglet.
Eleanor: I'm sorry, has it been 100 hours?

Tahani: So Janet isn't with you.
Michael: No. There has to be a Janet in every neighborhood, good and bad. This one is an actual Good Place Janet that I stole to help sell the ruse.
Janet: I guess it didn't work, though. Because you keep failing.
Michael: Yes, thank you.
Janet: You're welcome. [disappears]

Eleanor: Mindy St. Clair's is fake, I bet.
Michael: No, the Medium Place is real. So annoying how you managed to slip away from me all those times.
Chidi: Why even tell us about any real thing? Why not just lie about all of it?
Michael: Lies are always more convincing when they're closer to the truth.
Eleanor: That's true. I crashed a lot of open bar weddings as Eileen Shelbourne. Even dated a groomsman for a few months. So I had to keep the name, and he got Eileen tattooed on his neck.
Tahani: Seriously?! How are she and I in the same place?
Eleanor: Oh, get over yourself.

Michael: Trust me, don't trust me, it doesn't matter. We're running out of time, and I'm your only option.
Eleanor: We're running out of time and I'm your only option? A lot of guys your age said that to me just as the bar was about to close. But I never settled for them. Because my ex-boyfriend lived nearby, he was obsessed with me and he never slept because he was addicted to Adderall. There is always another option. You guys do whatever you want. I'm out.
Michael: No! My plan only works if all four of you are on board.
Eleanor: Then you better get cracking on a new plan, pally, because so far, I haven't heard a single good reason why I should help you.
Michael: All right, how about this? You help me trick Vicky and all those other goons, I can get you to the real Good Place.

Michael: I can get us there.
Eleanor: Us? You, Mr. Diabolical Torture Guy are gonna try to join us in the Good Place?
Michael: Yeah, if I stay in the Bad Place, I'm doomed. But if I rescue four pitiful, foul-smelling humans from eternal damnation... hit 'em with the big puppy dog eyes. "Please, sir, take pity on me, I've changed..." and all that crap, maybe I can earn a spot, too.
Chidi: We didn't deserve the Good Place based on our time on Earth. Will they even let us stay?
Michael: I gotta be honest, I have no idea. But at least if you help me fool Vicky, your brains don't get erased every two weeks.
Eleanor: Okay, all humans who have not already been suckered by Michael, another team meeting.

Tahani: Michael, there's been a mistake. I belong in the Good Place. The real one with the good people. Who do I speak to about correcting this?
Michael: Me and you're wrong.
Tahani: Very well. I would like to speak to your manager.
Michael: Listen, sweetheart, you've only been in this timeline for about a week. So I think I'm gonna fast forward things a bit. There's a very good reason why you ended up here. You never cared about the people you were helping. You did it only for fame or status or to spite your family.
Tahani: That is utter tosh! I had my flaws, just like anyone else, but I raised billions for charity. I was a good person and I defy you or anyone else to prove otherwise.
Michael: You know, in all the reboots, I never showed you how you died. I was saving it in case I ever needed to really make you miserable. But it's hilarious. Of course, I mean sad. But it might help you come to grips with who you really were. Do you want to remember it?

Tahani: I died in Cleveland?
Michael: I don't think that should be your biggest takeaway from that story.
Tahani: Is that really all I cared about? Just outshining my sister and gaining praise and acclaim? I mean, I did gain praise and acclaim. You know, I dare say on some occasions, more praise and acclaim than my sister, Kamilah, so... Oh. Oh, I see. Oh, God. [sobs]
Michael: Oh, come on, now. It's not all bad. Imagine you're me and you're designing a torture chamber for people who think that they belong in the Good Place. I mean, you were perfect.
Tahani: Well, I've always wanted to be perfect at something... I just never thought it would be the perfect stooge. I want to do it. I want to become the person I pretended to be. I agree with Chidi. We should team up with Michael and all try to build a better Tahani.

Eleanor: Great. Yet again, it's everyone against Eleanor. Because everyone except Eleanor is an idiot. Why am I the only person who clearly sees what's going on here?
Chidi: It's not that we don't understand the risks, we just wanna become better people and this is our best chance.
Eleanor: Oh, I get it. 'Cause you're so much better than me. That's what this is about?
Chidi: Hang on, don't lash out at us just because of your innate distrust.
Eleanor: Lash out?
Tahani: No, it's not about who's better. [crosstalk]
Jason: I have no idea what's going on right now but everyone else is talking and I think I should too!