Michael: I think you should experience new adventures. You know, do things that you haven't done on earth, right? So why don't we meet tomorrow and try out some new hobbies.
Chidi: Uh, why not? I'll... I'll see you guys tomorrow.
Janet: Not if I see you first. Where's the beef?
Michael: [chuckles] I don't know.
Janet: Hump day.

Tahani: Hello, Eleanor. Jianyu, darling, look, it's Eleanor from next door.
Eleanor: Is he asleep?
Tahani: Yeah, there's really no way to tell. Come on in. What brings you to our home, my dear?
Eleanor: Well, I'm simply repaying your kind gift with a housewarming gift of my own. Fresh pears. It's a plant, just like your gift, but you can actually eat them. So maybe it's a better gift. Who's to say?
Tahani: That's so kind. However, in, um, Chinese culture, pears are actually a symbol of bad luck. And... And I wouldn't want to offend Jianyu, so I'm afraid I'm gonna have to throw these in the garbage. But do come and sit down.

Eleanor: I'm telling you, Tahani's out to get me.
Chidi: What are you talking about?
Eleanor: This note was slipped under my door yesterday. It has to be Tahani. She just said to me, [British accent] "I want to feel like I truly belong here." Well, where have I seen the word "belong" recently? Oh yeah, kaplow!
Chidi: I really don't think she's the type of person who would write this.
Eleanor: She is that kind of person and she did write it. She wants everybody to think she's such a perfect princess just 'cause she's tall and glamorous and has cappuccino skin and curves everywhere... And now I'm complimenting her. And kind of turned on. The point is, she straight up sucks, bro. [plant chimes]
Chidi: Whoa.
Eleanor: Typical Tahani. Brings us a faulty plant so she can brag about being a better gardener.
Chidi: No, I think this is another way in which your negative actions affect this world. This plant represents your relationship to Tahani, so when you're mean to her, it starts to wilt.
Eleanor: Well, then this plant is doomed, because tomorrow, I'm going with her and I'm gonna prove to you and to everyone that she is secretly a two-faced, calculating, phony bench. [plant whines] Hmm. Yeah. Truth hurts, doesn't it, plant?

Michael: Extra, extra! Read all about you. Chidi, this is the perfect hobby for you. Journalism.
Chidi: Well, obviously, I like to write. But I don't love deadlines. I prefer to take my time with things.
Michael: Yes, I know. Uh, you never even named your dog, did you? When it ran away, you posted signs saying, "responds to long pauses."

Chidi: Thank you for trying to find me a new hobby. Um, but I just want to be an academic. I want to keep working on my manuscript.
Michael: Chidi, here's the thing... See, I read your whole book, all 3,600 pages of it. It's, um... how shall I put this?
Janet: It's a mess, dude.
Chidi: Hey!
Michael: She's right. You see, Chidi, I can read the entirety of the world's literature in about an hour. This took me two weeks to get through. I mean, it's so convoluted, I just kept reading the same paragraph over and over again, trying to figure out what the heck you were saying.
Chidi: Oh, no.
Michael: I mean, on page 1,000, you start section two with the sentence, "Of course, the exact opposite might be true." You're a brilliant guy, Chidi. But you just kept revising and rewriting and adding words to your title. I think you just twisted yourself up into a knot.
Chidi: I have a very bad stomachache.

Chidi: You stole Tahani's diary.
Eleanor: I know I broke some ethical rule, but I had good reason.
Chidi: Eleanor, in order to be a good person, you have to do good things. And not stealing people's stuff, that is just a basic kindergarten rule. I mean, do I also have to tell you to not throw sand?
Eleanor: First of all, throwing sand is an excellent way to put out a vodka fire.
Chidi: Why would you even know that?
Eleanor: Second of all, I know that it may not be nice, but neither is pretending to be 100% perfect, like Tahani does. She wrote that note.
Chidi: No she didn't! You did! I was hoping you would come to this conclusion on your own, but, obviously, no one here would ever threaten you. That note is the Good Place manifesting your own guilt. Like with the plant, or when you literally made giant shrimp fly through the air.
Eleanor: I wrote myself the note. And as it turns out, I do belong here. Because I'm just as good as everyone else.
Chidi: No, no, no. No, you don't belong here. And in this place, everyone is better than you. It has been proven by an infallible formula. Tahani might be a little British and condescending at times, but she devoted her entire life to helping other people. She's a good person. Accept that.

Eleanor: [knock at door] Uh, coming! Uh, we're just...kissing. And groping?
Chidi: [mouths] What?

Tahani: Hello.
Chidi: Tahani. Hi. What brings you here?
Tahani: You know, I was just, uh, in the neighborhood. [giggles] Do you get it, Eleanor? Because, you know, we're all in the same afterlife, so, you know, I'm always in the neighborhood. Do you get it?
Eleanor: And I do, and it's delightful.
Tahani: Anyway, this is for you. Just a housewarming plant. It's a little reminder that if there's ever anything that you need, I am right next door.
Eleanor: How could I possibly forget? Have a great day, Tahani!
Tahani: Oh, all right. [door slams]

Tahani: We haven't even had a chance to discuss all of the mayhem in our neighborhood yet. It's so disconcerting.
Eleanor: Yes. What do you think is causing it?
Tahani: Oh, I'm sure I don't know. But we must keep our heads up. In fact, tomorrow I'm actually going door-to-door to make sure that every single person in this entire neighborhood is keeping calm and carrying on. 'Cause I think that helping others will make me feel like I truly belong here, you know?
Eleanor: Here's a brainstorm, why don't I go with you? I mean, I would love to do my part to help the neighborhood, not to mention, get a little bonding time with you, lady.
Tahani: Oh, hurrah! Such fun.

Eleanor: Hey, babe, got you coffee.
Samuel: Oh, great. Oh, Andy's Coffee, uh, we shouldn't go there. Everybody's boycotting.
Eleanor: Yeah, I know that one guy found a scorpion in his latte. I don't really care, though, 'cause it's so close to here.
Samuel: No, no, no, it's because he's sexually harassing people. Look, a journalist went undercover for an interview and recorded him. Here, watch.
Andy: [on video] Here's the thing, sweetheart. You're very qualified, but you're also what we call in the coffee shop game a, uh, "dog-face." You're a three, and you have to be a nine to work here. It's just math.
Woman: [o.s.] [on video] So I didn't get the job?
Andy: [chuckles] No, dog-face, you didn't get the job. All right, I'll check your references. Just to be nice-
Woman: Hey, my breasts!
Andy: I'll check 'em. Oh, they're good. Honk!
Samuel: I mean, this guy's a monster, we can't support this guy.
Eleanor: Okay, hey, you're not better than me just 'cause you won't support a guy who grabbed a boob once.
Samuel: No, I'm just saying we shouldn't go there. We can get coffee somewhere else.
Andy: Did you know your left reference is a little bit bigger than your right reference? It's not a bad thing, it's just... It's a thing.