Steve: Whoa. All right. We got them.
Man: Okay, here we go!
Michael: Yeah, uh, that's not exactly what's happening here. The Bad Place is going to be changing, and I'm... Well, I'm kind of your boss now.
Megan: He's joking, right?
Shawn: I'm afraid he's not. Things are changing. Michael and I are actually going to be... [stammering] Working... together. Ugh. Oh, I hated that. I hated saying it. Hated how it felt. Hated all of it. Ugh.

Michael: You all have been hand-selected to be the very first Bad Place Architects who will learn the new system.
Megan: Why do we need a new system? Torture works. It's the way it's always been done.
Tahani: With all due respect, "It's the way it's always been done" is an excuse that's been used for hundreds of years to justify racism, misogyny...
Steve: Exactly. See? This chick gets it.

Jason: [laughs] Oh, man. What a legend.
Eleanor: Ooh, who you reading about?
Jason: Me. I ruled on Earth. I siphoned so much gas, Eleanor. Even if the car was moving or on fire or a boat, I still always got that gas.

Chidi: I don't need to read your file. I know you, and I love you. And I can't wait to spend eternity with you. I mean, obviously, we have a lot of work to do here, and then we both have to pass the test, but eventually we're gonna be together forever...
Eleanor: You have to read my file right now!
Chidi: What? I'm confused. Is this a game? Is it a sex game somehow?
Eleanor: I can't risk it. What if we spend half of eternity together and then you find out something that does change the way you feel about me and then you resent me for wasting half your eternity? No, it's better we just rip the Band-Aid off, and you read about all the bad stuff now when we're hot and heavy.
Chidi: Okay. I'll read your file. Can I finish reading about Oskar Schindler first?
Eleanor: That's who I got to follow? The list guy? You and I are so screwed, dude.

Michael: Okay, so, thoughts?
Megan: Yeah. This all sounds so lame.
Michael: No, it's the current system that's lame. It's so basic. You get a human's file, and let's be honest, you never even read it. You just skip to the fears and phobias section and use that to torture them. Fear of snakes, throw them in a snake pit. Worried something's gonna happen to your normal cylindrical penis, flatten it. This new way allows you to test their specific psychological flaws and weaknesses.
Janet: And trust us, they have plenty. [points at Tahani]
Tahani: Hey.
Janet: Sorry. I'm in selling mode.

Michael: All right, fine. Take a seat. Janet'll give you Tahani's file.
Vicky: Oh, no, I don't... I don't need her file. I know Tahani very well. Self-obsessed, family issues, way too into being tall.
Tahani: Typical Vicky, throwing shade. But it doesn't matter... 'cause I'm casting it. Because I'm closer to the Sun. I'm tall.

Chidi: I don't hate you at all. I mean, you were dealt a pretty tough hand. You essentially had to raise yourself, but you were still more confident and self-possessed at 13 than I ever was. I mean, seeing your whole life all laid out like this, it's... it's remarkable.
Eleanor: Okay, so you still love me. You're still horny for me, blah, blah, blah. Then what's wrong?
Chidi: I'm not good enough for you. I mean, look at my file. It is 1/10 as long as yours because I did nothing with my life.
Eleanor: Yeah, we're very different, but we already knew that. Why are you freaking out? You're cool, confident Chidi now, remember?
Chidi: I am confident about my feelings for you. I am also confident that I am a damn drip, and you deserve to be with someone who's not. Like Nicolas, that fireman that you dated back in 2009. He rescued people from burning buildings, and he was so hot.
Eleanor: Oh, Nicolas the fireman. Mmm. Nicolas. I can't argue with you on that one, but... I love you. There is no one else I want to be with... At least, not forever. I mean, if Frida Kahlo wants to make out with me in Heaven, then you and I are gonna have a conversation, but if you read my file and you're good, then we're good. Unless there's something in your file that would freak me out, like you kept out a library book past the due date.
Chidi: Well, I moved, and it got buried in the bottom of a box. I put the library in my will to make up for it.
Eleanor: No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Relax. Let's get back to work.

Janet: Michael, why did you fire Vicky?
Michael: Look, I know she did well on the first test, but it's beginner's luck. There's an X factor here. A secret sauce that only I truly know how to pour over the... the juicy s-steak of this process.
Janet: I've never said this before, but... what?
Tahani: Not only is Vicky good at test design, but she's good at teaching the others.
Michael: Well, that's the problem. She's moving too fast. We have to learn how to walk before we can run.
Janet: So, first, you thought it would take forever, and now it's moving too fast?
Michael: First of all, you know, uh, shut up. A-and second of all, just shut up.

Chidi: Hey. Um... I'm sorry I said that before, man.
Jason: No, you were right. Janet and I are different. Maybe it can't last. Maybe we're like the Montagues and Capulets.
Chidi: How do you know that?
Jason: I read some books, man. Jeez.

Chidi: [sighs] Uh, listen. Maybe on paper, you and Janet don't make total sense, but who cares? The relationship you have built together is wonderful. She knows you and loves you, and that's all that matters.
Jason: Do you really believe that?
Chidi: Of course I do.
Jason: [laughs] Sucker!
Chidi: Sorry?
Jason: I got you so bad. Dude, pretend what you just said was what you said to you instead of to me. And you have to listen to yourself, because it was already in your own head and then came out. But just put it back in your head, and realize that it was you talking about you and Eleanor.
Chidi: Against all odds, I know what you mean, and I-I gotta give it up. That was... that was good.
Jason: Yeah, it was. Chess mate. [laughs]