Eleanor Quote #113
Jason: Why were you like that?
Eleanor: Well... let me tell you about Doug and Donna Shellstrop.
Young Eleanor: Hey, Dad, just a warning, Mom's gonna be here in a second.
Doug: Ugh, your mother's coming? Oh, boy, hide the silverware.
Young Eleanor: You mean the silverware you stole from Mom?
Doug: Yeah, but she keeps trying to steal it back.
Donna: I drove here as fast as I could. You scored free WrestleMania tickets?
Young Eleanor: There are no tickets, Mom. I knew that was the only way I could get you here.
Doug: Ah-ha! Burn.
Donna: Eleanor, just because your father and I are divorced does not mean you can disrespect me like this, okay? We are a family. Whose birthday is it?
Young Eleanor: Mine.
Doug: Are you serious? No way. That was a B.S. foul on Chapman.
Young Eleanor: And since you both forgot, again, which means you definitely didn't get me a present, again, I got myself something. I just need you to sign it.
Donna: Emancipation papers? Honey! What does "emancipation" mean?
Young Eleanor: It means I'll be on my own. All my life, I've been taking care of myself and you guys. I work two after-school jobs because you blew half my college fund bailing your boyfriend out of jail.
Doug: So irresponsible.
Young Eleanor: And you blew the other half trying to frame her boyfriend.
Donna: It was so stupid. He was already guilty, dumbass. I've been on my own for a while now anyway, and after you sign these papers, it'll be official. I won't owe you anything; you won't owe me anything.
Doug: Well, if you want me to sign... oh, that's a joint. Uh, do you have a pen or a lighter?
Donna: You're a really interesting person, Eleanor. We should hang out sometime.
Quote from Shawn
Shawn: Thank you for these testimonials. A ruling has been reached. [everyone gathers] Oh, you want to hear it. I forgot how needy humans are. [clears throat] Eleanor Shellstrop is a bad person. The progress she has made does not offset her actions on Earth. She deserves to be in the Bad Place.
Shawn: As concerning Jason Mendoza, I have heard no statements nor seen any evidence to suggest... oh, he's from Florida? Yeah, he belongs in the Bad Place.
Quote from Janet
Eleanor: Can this train go any faster, Janet? No pressure, but Jason and I will literally be tortured for all of eternity if we get caught.
Janet: Don't worry, there's no way to tell we're going to Mindy St. Clair's house. It'll be our sexy little secret. [off Eleanor's look] Jason taught me about sexy things.
Eleanor: Oh, yeah? What things did he say were sexy?
Janet: Lamborghinis, cool snakes, spinning rims, 20,000 followers on Instagram, girls with pigtails eating lollipops, latex pants, Carl's Jr. ads, and sex.
Eleanor: Eh, some of those are right. [Jason and Janet high-five]
Quote from Eleanor
Eleanor: "Live every day like it's your last." [scoffs] Bite me. I'ma live forever, bitch.
Cashier: Ma'am? It's $132.21. So, big plans this weekend?
Eleanor: Yep. I'm gonna sit alone in my house watching wedding fails on YouTube, drinking margaritas through a Twizzlers straw until I pass out on top of my vibrator.