Chidi: But if you must know, it was very chaste. We didn't even kiss.
Eleanor: Because you chickened out?
Chidi: I did! Yeah, I totally chickened out, and I am so mad at myself.
Eleanor: Well, hey, maybe it wasn't the right moment. Knowing the two of you nerds, your first kiss is going to be while reading Plato in an MRI machine.

Chidi: Look, listen, Eleanor is an Arizona trash bag.
Eleanor: Yep.
Chidi: Her words, not mine.
Eleanor: Totally.
Chidi: Who once told me that her greatest accomplishment was breaking into Charles Barkley's house.
Eleanor: Mm. He was on the road. I snuck in through the doggy door. Tried on all his giant shoes. One of my top five Christmases.

Chidi: Listen, the point is, Eleanor and I have nothing in common except that we both almost died, and it made us want to be better people. This is my thesis idea. I will explore the effect of near-death experiences on ethical decision-making. I will get a group of people together who have had near-death experiences, ask them ethical questions, and see if there's any commonalities!
Simone: That's great! Why are you yelling it at me?
Chidi: Because I need your help! You and your magic brain scan machine.
Simone: Oh, of course! A joint study with the neuroscience department. We can use MRI mapping to see if a near-death experience alters brain function.
Chidi: There's something there, right?
Simone: Definitely, I love this.
Chidi: Great. Also, I wanted to kiss you last night, but I chickened out, so I'm going to kiss you now.
Simone: Good, yes. I want that, please.

[flashback:]
Kamilah: Well done, Tahani.
Tahani: Who saved me? Did anyone see who just saved my life?
Woman: [o.s.] It was Kamilah!
Tahani: No, it was a man, I think.
Woman #2: [o.s.] It was Kamilah!
Man: [o.s.] It was Kamilah!
Tahani: No, it wasn't Kamilah! It was someone over there.
All: Kamilah, Kamilah, Kamilah, Kamilah, Kamilah!

Tahani: And there, in that humble monastery, thousands of miles from the meaningless concerns of high society, I embarked upon a quest for enlightenment. I learned to embrace a life of simplicity. I meditated. I worked. I gave back to Mother Earth. And I slept. My soul had never felt so nourished, until one day, my former life came knocking at the open space where a door would have been if we were given any privacy.
[flashback:]
Colby: Yo, is that Tahani Al-Jamil? Man, it totes is you! What up? I'm Colby, "Squalor News."
Tahani: What are you doing in this monastery?
Colby: Oh, we're doing a new show about poverty, drug lords, gun running, weird-ass restaurants, skateboarding, oh, and also genocide. It's called Society is Effed.
Colby: What are you doing here, though? Is this where you came after your sister saved your life?
Tahani: [sighs] I am living here as a way to shed my desire for attention.
Colby: Toight, that's what's up! You got to shed that, right? But listen, if you ever want us to do like a monster profile on you and your monk junk, we would be honored AF. I think people would be supes interested in what you're doing here, for real. Look, here's my card. Think about it.
[later:]
Tahani: Of course, I never called him to do that profile because I didn't pursue a life of tranquility to get in front of a camera. I did it... to get out of the spotlight. And that's what my book is about... shedding your need for validation from others. [cheers and applause]

Assistant: Publisher says you'll hit 2 million copies sold by next week. Your 582 Questions With video was nominated for a BAFTA.
Tahani: That's fun.
Assistant: Also, they want you for Oprah.
Tahani: Oprah is off the air.
Assistant: No, they want you to take over for Oprah. Also, this investor wants to meet you. I checked him out, he's legit.

Assistant: [on the phone] I'm sorry, but Ms. Al-Jamil doesn't have time to participate in an ethical study at some random university. If you want to meet her, you can sign up for the "Get Out of the Spotlight" cruise, with special guests Deepak Chopra and Will.I.Am.
Tahani: [takes phone] Hello? This is Tahani Al-Jamil.
Chidi: Oh, hi, I didn't think I'd actually get you. My name is Chidi Anagonye, and I'm doing an academic study on near-death experiences and ethical decision-making. I read an article about you...
Tahani: Will it help people? That's all I want to know. Will this help people?
Chidi: Yes, I... I think so. I... I mean, that's the goal.
Tahani: Send me the info. I'll be there tomorrow morning.

Tahani: But how had you learned about me, I wonder?
Chidi: A professor I'd never heard of named Charles Brainman sent me an article about you. Said you'd be perfect for our study.
Eleanor: Well, welcome to Australia. Oh, if you need a place to crash while you get settled, my motel has a pull-out sofa. Although, as I say that, and I look at you and your whole thing, I realize that's absurd, and you should probably just get your own place.
Tahani: Yes, I... I think that's best. But... but thank you.

Michael: Sup, bud? I've been looking for you.
Jason: Oh, sorry. Are these your rocks?
Michael: No, look. My name is Zach Pizazz. International talent scout. I've been tracking your dance troupe, man. I think you really got the goods. I want you to come on down to Australia and start a new crew, all right? I'll pay for everything. You may have a few other obligations, but basically...
Jason: Uh, thanks, but no thanks, man. I'm done with dancing.
Michael: But wait, whoa, whoa, whoa. You heard what my name was, right? Zach Pizazz?
Jason: My life is just kind of messed up right now. I had a really tough year.
Michael: I'm sorry. Want to talk about it? I'm a pretty good listener.
Jason: Well, my year started about a year ago.

[flashback:]
Jason: Pillboi, I can't breathe, and I'm freaking out, and I'm almost out of whip-its! Pillboi!
Pillboi: Buongiorno. Buongiorno.
[Michael runs by and opens the safe door]
Pillboi: Yo, what happened?
Jason: I couldn't breathe. The snorkel must have been broken.
Pillboi: Yo, that sucks. You ready to get back in there?
Jason: No, man. We're not doing this no more. I almost died trying to rob a Mexican restaurant. I have to change my life. I know what I'm going to do. I'm going to win this dance competition.