Jason: Hey, is... is this a good time to talk?
Janet: Well, there's no time like the present. And here there's neither "no time" nor "the present." [giggles] Go ahead.
Jason: So you know how me and you used to be married when I was dead before?
Janet: Mm-hmm.
Jason: I think I'm starting to catch feelings again for you.
Janet: Mm-hmm.
Jason: And if I don't double-die in this IHOP and the Judge lady doesn't turn you into a marble, do you want to try being boyfriend-girlfriend?
Janet: I'm not a girl. But, yes, I'd very much like to go on a date with you somewhere sometime, as opposed to here, which is nowhere at all the times. [both chuckle] You get it?

Judge: Hey! Butthead! You lie to my face, disrespect my orders, steal the only key to Earth, meddle with an already compromised timeline, kidnap the humans into a Janet's void, and now demand a meeting in the freakin' IHOP? I hate this place!
Michael: I wouldn't have asked for a meeting if it weren't vitally important. And I promise, no more rule-breaking.
Judge: [mockingly] Oh, yeah, really? Cool. 'Cause it kind of looks like you stole a book from Accounting!
Michael: No more rule-breaking starting now.

Judge: Hello, Chidi. That is a great look for you. If things don't work out here with li'l Blondie, you know who to call... this bitch.
Tahani: Sorry. What is on me right now?
Judge: Oops.
Janet: Where'd you come from, little buddy?
Michael: No, don't touch it! Tahani, do not touch the Neednoggle.
Tahani: What?
Chidi: Bad. This is all bad.
Judge: [scoffs] Humans are such whiners. Here, hot pants, let me take care of it for you.

Michael: Everybody, you're all still standing in the IHOP. The Judge simply augmented your reality to make you feel like you're in a normal IHOP. Very smart.
Judge: Don't suck up to me, you suck-up.
Tahani: This is far better. Instead of a slug creature, I have a cute little scarf.
Michael: No, no, no!
Judge: [yelps] No!
Michael: Don't touch it! Tahani, that's still the Neednoggle. The Judge just made it look like a scarf.
Tahani: Wonderful.

Mindy St. Claire: You need my backyard? For what?
Michael: We're conducting an important experiment...
Mindy St. Claire: Okay, you know what? I don't care. In fact, as soon as I started asking the question, I thought to myself, "Why are you asking this? You don't care about the answer." Do whatever you want. Just leave me out of it. And if you want to talk to someone, talk to Derek. I'm sure he'll be happy to see you.

Janet: Don't think of Derek as my ex-boyfriend. I made him, so... he's more like my son. Although I did make him because I was jealous of you and Tahani, so he's kind of my rebound booty call.
Jason: So he's your son-rebound-booty-call.
Janet: Fine, if you want to put labels on it, I guess he's my son-rebound-booty-call. But he doesn't mean anything to me. Also, Derek never really... worked right. He's a buffoon. You have nothing to worry about.

Michael: Janet?
Janet: [appears] Hi, there.
Michael: Ah.
Janet: Ready to start building?
Michael: Yes.
Janet: I have some ideas for how to design a sort of basic neighborhood, which we can then tailor to the guests as we learn more about them.
Michael: Now, when you say, um, some ideas...
Janet: I have 11 trillion ideas.
Michael: Yes. I'm so glad you're here, Janet.
Janet: Me too.

Janet: [strains]
Daphne: [appears] Hi, I'm Daphne.
Janet: Hi, Daphne, I'm Janet. I made you.
Daphne: Great. I'll wait for your instructions. Thank you for making me. Bye.
Michael: Okay, Daphne's done. Only another 185 people to go. I'll check back in an hour.

Derek: Can't help but notice you're making a bunch of people. You know, if we pooled our resources, we could be done in two shakes of a lamb's Derek.
Jason: Whatever. Janet doesn't need your help, dude.
Janet: Actually, it would go a lot faster. Thanks, Derek.
Derek: No problem. Don't worry. This is purely professional, okay? Now, be a pal and hold my classy martini while I get down to business. Let's make people.

Michael: So, based on initial skimming of his file, we will run scenario G48-119.
Eleanor: Jeez, Louise.
Michael: Well, you have to be prepared for anything. I mean, is John coming in thinking that he belongs, or does he know he definitely doesn't?
Eleanor: Dude, dude, relax. All we have to do today is tell John he's in the Good Place, show him around the Neighborhood, and get him to Tahani's welcome party. That's it. We can deal with the rest later. Right?
Michael: Right. Right, right, right.
Eleanor: Hey, listen. whatever your plan is, it's gonna be great. We trust you. Your friends will always trust you.