Brent: I didn't take you for a linksman.
Michael: I appreciate golf. As Ben Hogan once said, "The most important shot in golf is the next one." That's a lovely idea. If you make a mistake, you'll always have a chance to redeem yourself.
Brent: Yeah, well, as John Daly once said to David Lee Roth at the 2002 Chili's Pro-Am in Orlando: "Suck on this drive, buttmunch." Whoo! Nailed it! That was a flusher, but she sank.
Michael: Perhaps an adept linksman like yourself should play with the assistance filter turned off? Let's play old-school.
Brent: All right. Why not? Fork! You sneezed, man.
Michael: I don't think I did, because I literally can't.
Brent: Well, somebody sneezed. Damn it!
Michael: Brent, buddy, nobody sneezed. You hit a bad shot, and it's fine. You know, it isn't a sign of weakness to admit that you screwed up.
Brent: Fine, whatever. I shanked it.
Michael: There you go. Now, let's go find your ball and try to do better on your next shot. And you know, if this ends up applying to any other aspect of your life later on, then cool.
Brent: What?
Michael: What? Nothing.

Eleanor: Simone. Uh, I have been thinking about those very good questions that you asked me. And I'm sorry for the delay. The ancient scrolls I had to consult were very hard to roll back up. Um, anyway, I thought about what you should say to Brent when he asks for your opinion of his novel.
Simone: Me, too. I have a great idea. I'm gonna tell him it sucks very hard.
Eleanor: Well, listen, you're absolutely right that Brent needs to evolve, but there may be a more subtle way to make that happen.

Brent: Hey, there they are! Charlie's Angels. Ooh. So did you finish the book? What did you think?
Tahani: Well, very interesting word choices. I've definitely never seen the word "pants-tent" used so many times.
Brent: Yeah, I kind of just felt like, in that moment, that that's what the Surgeon General would say. What else? Let's hear some more complos. Compliments. For when you introduce me.
Simone: Just writing a book is an amazing accomplishment.
Brent: You bet your butt it is. The story is incredible, too. I mean, Chip solves the mystery on page ten. Greatest detective ever! So hop on up there and just speak from the heart about how it's your favorite book ever.
Simone: Actually, I have to say, um... the Scarlett Pakistan character is clearly based on Tahani, and it's not exactly flattering.
Brent: Not flattering? I said she's got huge ones. Ultimate complo!
Michael: Yeah, say there, Brent, remember our conversation about making mistakes and how the most important shot is the next one?
Brent: Hang on a second. You guys agree with her? Unreal! I didn't ask to get yelled at by the PC police. You know, I was gonna give you 10% off the cover price. But now you're gonna have to pay the full 65 bucks like everybody else.
Michael: There's no money here.
Brent: The book event is cancelled because of these mean women.

Brent: This is a disgrace! I accomplished something. I wrote a novel, and now my integrity's being attacked. I've been called racist, sexist. I don't have a racist or sexist bone in my body. I am Brent Norwalk, and I'm a good person. I'm in the Good Place. You ever heard of it? And I'm here because I deserve to be here. I'm here because I earned it by being the best.
Simone: Ugh, you're ridiculous.
Brent: Yeah, and you're a condescending bench.
Chidi: Oh, uh, don't talk to her that way, please. Hey, I have an idea. Let me summon a few philosophical works we can use to...
Brent: Ugh! Oh, enough with the friggin' books, Igby. Yeah, that's right. You probably don't know this, but that character is based on you.
Chidi: No, I... I knew it, man. Oh, look out.
Brent: Ah, I'm being attacked again!
Chidi: Sorry, that was unintentional...
Brent: Fork you!
Eleanor: So I'm thinking bagel bites. For the snack.

Eleanor: So, today was bad. Today was very bad. Everyone, for sure, lost a bunch of points. And I don't have a solution.
Tahani: Okay. Well, let's reset. I'll do something mildly iffy, and let John make a small, good decision to help. I could tell him I'm going to get ombre highlights and let him talk me out of it.
Eleanor: What's wrong with ombre highlights?
Tahani: Eleanor, please. This week has been hard enough.

Jason: I could set my robes on fire and try and get Brent to put it out.
Eleanor: I know you're only suggesting that because you've repeatedly said you would look "dope" in flaming monk robes, but that's actually not a bad idea. Force him to help someone without actually thinking about it.

Bad Janet: Oh, hi, dip-shirt.
Michael: Hello, Bad Janet. How are you today?
Bad Janet: Terrible.
Michael: I'm here to let you know that after six months of captivity here in Good Janet's void, today's your last day. I'm gonna tell you a story, and once that's done, I'm getting rid of you.
Bad Janet: Wow, sounds like someone finally put on his big boy demon pants. So what's the story? Another one of your attempts to prove that humans are "good" and "worthy of respect" and not "big fat sacks of dookie"?
Michael: Something like that. Are you ready?
Bad Janet: One thing, real quick, before you start. [farts loudly]

Bad Janet: [finishes farting] Wow, she's gonna last. Is that your story? It looks boring.
Michael: This book is a part of the story. You'll see. It all started about a week ago. We had sent the four humans on a ski trip.
Bad Janet: And they all skied off a cliff and they broke all their bones and their pants fell down and you could see their butts. The end.
Michael: Actually, it went better than we could have possibly hoped.

Michael: We felt like we could contain the fallout from Brent's book. But as is often the case with these things, the negative effects started to ripple out.
Bad Janet: Oh, like when someone throws up on a bus and then someone smells it, and they throw up?
Michael: Sure, yeah.

Michael: I gotta say, Bad Janet, I really felt like I had managed to stop the bleeding.
Bad Janet: You thought that ding-dong would do a total personality 180 because of one gentle metaphor?
Michael: What can I say? I'm an optimist. But two days later at the event, it fell apart almost immediately.