Dorothy: Now, look, all this nonsense has to stop, Rose. What we saw was not a UFO.
Rose: Well, it wasn't a plane. Planes aren't that thin, or that bright.
Dorothy: Neither is Oprah Winfrey, but that doesn't make her a flying saucer.

Dorothy: Blanche, will you calm down? I have never seen you so worked up over one date.
Blanche: Dorothy, I let this man slip through my fingers once before. I don't intend to let it happen again.
Sophia: [opening the door] He couldn't slip through your fingers now if you used a shoehorn.

Dorothy: Listen, um before I get Rose, let me assure you, she is the only one here who thinks she saw a UFO.
Major Barker: I understand completely, Ms. Zbornak. By the way, is that Ms. Zbornak or Mrs? I'm hoping it's Ms.
Dorothy: Well, yes. Yes, as a matter of fact, it is.
Major Barker: Good. I've already got that box checked on this form.

Ham: Blanche!
Blanche: Well, Ham Lushbough, you sex-hungry devil! Now, I told you, no more. Go home and take a cold shower.
Ham: No. Not until you know the reason why I keep telling you I can't sleep with you.
Dorothy: Look, Ma, listen, maybe watching some TV in another room might be a good idea.
Sophia: Fine, Dorothy, but keep the volume down.
Dorothy: Ma!

Rose: How did you know your mother was cheating, Dorothy?
Dorothy: Because Mr. Feinbaum never walks around totally naked. He always wears a boy-scout neckerchief. But never in the same place twice. Which is why there's no Mrs. Feinbaum.

Rose: The point is, nobody knows what we saw. You don't. I don't. Not even Major Barker does.
Dorothy: Major Barker?
Rose: That's the man I spoke to today down at the military base. I told him what we saw, and he said they'd check into it.
Dorothy: Rose, how could you do that? Don't you know what's going to happen? This is going to end up in the tabloids. I can see it now, right next to "Woman Gives Birth to Doc Severinsen Look-alike": "Dorothy Zbornak Meets Spacemen."
Rose: Why do you get all the credit?

Major Barker: Now, in this case, we've done most of the research at the base, so I just have a couple of routine questions to follow up. Question number one: was the object you saw more triangular or cylindrical?
Dorothy: No, triangular.
Major Barker: Was it blue in color?
Dorothy: Yes.
Major Barker: Did it leave a faint trail of yellow exhaust?
Dorothy: Yes, it did!
Major Barker: Very good. Ms. Zbornak, there's a perfectly simple explanation for what you saw.
Dorothy: Well, I always knew there would be.
Major Barker: What you and Rose Nylund saw was a UFO.

Ham: I had a nice time tonight, Blanche.
Blanche: You know, I did too.
Ham: And I wasn't sure I would, if you want the truth.
Blanche: What?
Ham: Well, this may sound funny, but I kept thinking, "Here I am, you know, so bald and so heavy. And what if I show up and Blanche looks as pretty as she did 30 years ago?"
Blanche: But I don't.
Ham: No, you don't.
Blanche: What?
Ham: You look prettier. No, I mean it! The face and the figure and that smile, it's all gotten better. Unless it's just my age making me want to see those things.
Blanche: No!

Dorothy: They might also have tentacles on their legs so that they can suck all the blood out of our heads! I'm sorry, Rose. I'm sorry. Now, part of me is very excited, but part of me is petrified. I cannot relax with this.

Dorothy: Unfortunately, I'm going to have to because Major Barker does not want us to say a word about this to anyone until we hear from him again. Not a word. Is that understood?
Rose: Yes.
Blanche: [entering] I thought I heard voices. What you girls doing?
Rose: Oh, nothing. We're just sitting talking. Not talking about anything special. The subject of aliens never came up.