Dorothy: I can't believe this is happening. Our whole married life, I was so careful about money. And all the time, Stanley had his hand in the cookie jar.
Rose: In the olden days, the Vikings would cut off your hand if they caught you stealing. They'd cut out your tongue if they caught you lying. They'd cut off your feet if they caught you trespassing.
Sophia: Too bad there wasn't a Viking around when Stan knocked you up.

Dorothy: I only have half of the 2500. And since I don't qualify for a bank loan, I'm just gonna have to sell some of my stuff.
Sophia: Hold it. No daughter of mine is selling her stuff. It's a sin, it's a crime, and let's face it, Dorothy, lately you can't give it away.

Rose: Do you know that promotion I was up for at the counseling center? Well, I found out I can't have it unless I become bilingual.
Blanche: Oh, no, honey, don't do that. No job is worth having to date women.
Dorothy: Blanche, "bilingual" refers to a person who speaks more than one language.
Blanche: Oh! Why'd I think it was something sexual?