Blanche: Rose, how can you be so cheery? It's a terrible thing.
Rose: Come on, she was 89, and she died in her sleep.
Blanche: She fell asleep driving the bookmobile.
Rose: It was a tragedy. She was my only real competition. Dead, dead, dead. Muffin?

Blanche: Oh! You're still the handsomest man I know.
Clayton: And you're still the prettiest thing I ever did see.
Dorothy: Now I know why they call it the "Deep" South.

Blanche: Girls, I just got a letter from my brother, Clayton. He says he's coming for a visit next week and he has a big surprise.
Dorothy: Oh, that's wonderful.
Blanche: I bet I know what the surprise is, too. Clayton's met himself a girl, and he wants me to meet her.
Dorothy: Honey, your brother is gay.
Blanche: Dorothy, I think that gay thing was just a phase he was going through. You know, like, when Clay was in high school, all he ever wanted to do was go see gladiator movies. It's the same kind of thing.
Dorothy: Almost exactly.

Rose: Isn't it wonderful that they became so close between the airport and here? I hardly ever speak to my cab drivers.
Dorothy: Rose, Doug is not a cab driver.
Doug: No, ma'am. Actually, I'm a policeman.
Rose: Oh. Well, what's a policeman doing bringing fares from the airport? I know! I bet you do undercover work.
Sophia: And I'll bet he does it damn well.
Dorothy: You'll have to excuse my mother. She survived a slight stroke, which left her, if I can be frank, a complete burden.

Rose: Why don't we all go out to the kitchen and get something to drink?
Dorothy: That sounds good. Say, have you ladies known Blanche for a long time?
Rose: Oh, yes. You're in luck. She just loves policemen.
Sophia: Apparently, it's a hereditary trait.

Doug: I think it's time you told her, Clayton.
Blanche: Told me what?
Clayton: I wanted you to meet Doug for a very important reason.
Blanche: Well, why?
Clayton: Blanche, we're getting married.
Rose: Oh, that's impossible, Clayton. Brothers can't marry sisters. Oh, that's right, you're from the South.
Dorothy: Blanche and Clayton aren't getting married, you airhead. Clayton and Doug are.
Rose: Oh. Oh! Oh?

Clayton: Ladies! I think a toast is in order. Here's to the woman of the hour. A woman whose grace and kindness and warmth and concern for others is an inspiration to us all. Here's to... Blanche!
Rose: And he's mad at her. Think what he's gonna say about me.
Clayton: Blanche, you don't know how much it means-
Blanche: I'm not here for you. I realize this is a very important night for Rose, and that's why I came. Just don't mind me.
Clayton: Um to Rose.
Rose: I liked his toast to Blanche better.

Sophia: Uh, Dorothy, I'd like you to meet Irving Kapella. He's the one who did the ice sculptures. Aren't they nice?
Irving: 75% off.
Sophia: Uh, Irving would very much like to take you out for some cappuccino and salsa dancing.
Dorothy: Maybe some other time.
Irving: Hey, I thought we had a deal.
Dorothy: Ma, what is he talking about? What kind of deal?
Sophia: Pussycat, you know how much I love you.
Dorothy: You sold me, didn't you?
Sophia: I didn't know what to do. I had no budget.
Dorothy: Oh, my God. Now it all makes sense. Why the hat-check guy serenaded me with "Moon River." Why the chef gave me that extra large cut of beef. Why the bus boy did that thing with his tongue.

Sophia: Hey, Irving. Sorry. Our deal is off. My daughter doesn't want to go out with you.
Irving: But we shook on it and everything.
Sophia: If it makes you feel any better, I'll go out with you.
Irving: Instead of her, I go out with you?
Sophia: Right.
Irving: OK.

Sophia: Blanche, I've been thinking about Clayton and Doug, and I have a question.
Blanche: What?
Sophia: Why do men have nipples?
Blanche: I have no idea.
Sophia: You think it's because God has a sense of humor and isn't as uptight as the rest of us?