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‘Never Yell Fire in a Crowded Retirement Home’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

The Golden Girls: Never Yell Fire in a Crowded Retirement Home

624. Never Yell Fire in a Crowded Retirement Home

Aired April 27, 1991

After a police officer arrests Sophia on suspicion of burning down Shady Pines six years earlier, the girls look back on some of the memories they've made together. [CLIP SHOW]

Quote from Blanche

Herb Shrewsbury: Well, the trial is set for a month from now, so I'm going to need some character witnesses.
Blanche: Maybe you should start by interviewing me. I would make a wonderful witness. I can't tell you how many times I've been badgered by lawyers. Well, I could, but it might sound like boasting.

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Quote from Blanche

Blanche: Hey, I have an idea. Let's have a getting-out-of-prison party. See, everybody can pretend they've been locked up for about three years and they have all this pent-up sexual energy. Everybody's all pumped up because all you ever do in prison is lift weights, so we'll get all those muscle guys with homemade tattoos... What are you looking at?

Quote from Sophia

Herb Shrewsbury: You did a good job, ladies, but let's not forget there still has to be a trial, and Mrs. Heartgrove's confession is pretty strong. I just wish we had something that reflected on her credibility.
Sophia: What if we had a video of her and a friend mooning a hot dog vendor?
Herb Shrewsbury: That would totally discredit her.
Sophia: Wait a minute. I just remembered who the friend was. Can't use it. Moving on.

Quote from Rose

Rose: Hi, girls.
Dorothy: Oh, Rose, I missed you at breakfast. Did you and Miles have fun last night?
Rose: Oh, yes. We had dinner at the Mandarin Rathskeller, that new Chinese-German restaurant.
Dorothy: How was it?
Rose: Oh, the food was good. But an hour later, Miles and I were both hungry. For power. [laughing]
Blanche: Oh, my, that provincial Midwestern sense of humor that everybody hates.

Quote from Rose

Rose: Well, all's well that ends well.
Blanche: What?
Rose: It's a title of a Shakespeare play.
Blanche: Rose, nothing is well, and nothing has ended. Sophia's out on bail, awaiting her trial.
Rose: Well, if Dorothy had said it, you'd think it was brilliant.

Quote from Sophia

Blanche: Girls, this is Herb Shrewsbury, our lawyer.
Sophia: So, what are my chances, shyster? Or do you prefer "ambulance chaser"?
Dorothy: Ma, he's here to help you. Are you nuts?
Sophia: If it helps.

Quote from Rose

Herb Shrewsbury: This is very important, Rose. It might take a couple of hours, so relax and get comfortable.
Rose: The last time someone said that to me, I had two pigs on my back and I was pushing a wheelbarrow.
Herb Shrewsbury: Why?
Rose: To relax and get comfortable.

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: I feel like I am in prison, with you keeping an eye on me 24 hours a day. Are you gonna keep doing that for the rest of my life?
Dorothy: No, only until you give up this ridiculous idea about leaving the country.
Sophia: I'm not skipping bail, Pussycat. I'd never make it. Every cab driver, waitress and skycap between here and Sicily would be only too eager to talk to the police.
Dorothy: Why do you say that?
Sophia: I under-tip.

Quote from Rose

Blanche: How's Sophia?
Dorothy: She's over that crazy idea about Sicily, but she's still very concerned about going to jail.
Rose: Well, who wouldn't be? It's a terrifying prospect to think about. Prison. The coldness of it, the steel bars, the wedges of cheese hanging overhead, tantalizingly just out of reach.
Dorothy: Let me guess. St. Olaf County Jail?
Rose: And deli.

Quote from Blanche

Dorothy: Can we concentrate? It seems like all we ever do around here is eat.
Blanche: Maybe it's all you ever do.
Dorothy: Oh, excuse me. I forgot about all those other appetites you satisfy before going to the fridge.
Blanche: My life is more than just sex and food. I take care of this house. Why, just the other day we had a leak, and the gas man came out. Oh, no, wait a minute. I guess that falls under sex.
Rose: And you did fix him a sandwich afterwards.
Blanche: Oh, yeah.

Quote from Dorothy

Dorothy: Can you believe Ma, trying to go to Sicily on my credit card? She would've made it, too, if her chef's knife hadn't shown up on the scanner.

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: I've been thinking about what we should do in case they do send Sophia off.
Dorothy: Oh, what, appeal?
Blanche: No, a party, a prison party. I made a list of all the men we should invite. And we'll be like the judges. "I sentence you to ten minutes with me on the lanai." See, some can be convicts and some can be guards. What are you looking at?

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: Can I tell you something, Pussycat?
Dorothy: What?
Sophia: I've never been so scared. Not so much of jail. It was not being here with all of you. Only seeing you for ten minutes a day on visitors' day. That's not enough time for Rose to get one of her St. Olaf stories off the runway. All I'm trying to say is, maybe you're not much, but you're all I've got. Am I crying, Pussycat?
Dorothy: No, Ma.
Sophia: I guess it wasn't as touching as I thought.

Quote from Sophia

Detective Parres: Hello. I'm Detective Parres, Dade County P.D. Does a Sophia Petrillo reside here?
Dorothy: This is my mother. Is there a problem?
Detective Parres: I'd just like to ask a few questions.
Sophia: I've got nothing to hide, copper. Or do you prefer "flatfoot" or "gumshoe"?
Dorothy: Before my mother lost it completely, she watched a lot of James Cagney.
Sophia: They colorized him. Can you believe it? Let the man rest. He's got hair the color of Rose's and more rouge than Blanche.
Blanche: Whatever you think she did, she's guilty. I saw her.

Quote from Sophia

Detective Parres: Mrs. Petrillo, where were you on the night of September 4th, 1985?
Sophia: Did you see Awakenings? Throw a ball at me. How the hell should I know? I don't even remember what color underwear I'm wearing.
Dorothy: Ma, the beginning of September. That's when Shady Pines burned down and you came here to live with us.
Sophia: Oh, yeah. I'm not wearing underpants.

Quote from Sophia

Detective Parres: Mrs. Petrillo, were you acquainted with the late Maria Heartgrove?
Sophia: She died? Good riddance. God rest her soul.

Quote from Dorothy

Detective Parres: We have a deathbed confession from her stating that the two of you started the Shady Pines fire.
Dorothy: Why, that's ridiculous. What did you do?

Quote from Sophia

Detective Parres: She claimed that on the night of the fire, the two of you were in your room cooking s'mores.
Sophia: Nonsense. I don't even know what s'mores are.
Rose: You remember, Sophia. They're those little toasted graham cracker and chocolate sandwiches.
Sophia: Marshmallow. Don't forget the marshmallow.

Quote from Sophia

Detective Parres: In her deposition, Mrs. Heartgrove said that you were in possession of an illegal hot plate, and while you were cooking, the curtains caught on fire. Then you panicked and fled, and the fire continued unchecked.
Blanche: Now wait just a minute. This is crazy. Do you have any proof? Did anybody find that alleged hot plate?
Detective Parres: Presumably it was lost in the fire.
Sophia: Maria was just out to get me. She was always jealous because I still had my own hair.

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: So this is life on the outside. It's changed. You've all gotten so old.
Dorothy: Ma, knock it off. You were gone an hour. If anyone's upset, it should be me. I had to dig up the bail money.
Sophia: Please. How do you put a price tag on getting your mother back? What was it, $500?
Dorothy: $5,000.
Sophia: Wow. I better improve my attitude around here.

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