‘It's a Miserable Life’
Season 2, Episode 4 - Aired November 1, 1986
When the girls make a petition to save an old oak tree in the neighborhood, they go up against their miserable, bitter neighbor, Mrs. Claxton.
Quote from Dorothy
Blanche: Rose, go to her funeral, have a good cry, you'll feel a lot better.
Rose: There isn't going to be a funeral. Mrs. Claxton didn't have any friends or relatives. She'll be buried in an unmarked grave in a potter's field.
Blanche: Gee, that's too bad. Is there any more of that cheesecake?
Rose: Blanche, how can you be so callous?
Blanche: Well, I'm sorry, but I'm not going to pretend to be in mourning. Mrs. Claxton worked overtime at being a nasty woman.
Dorothy: I mean, Blanche is right. That's why nobody wants to go to her funeral.
Rose: Dorothy, how would you feel if you dropped dead and nobody showed up at your funeral?
Dorothy: Well, it's probably a personal thing, but for me, I think dropping dead would be the bigger disappointment.
Quote from Dorothy
Sophia: What's everybody talking about?
Dorothy: Ma, I can honestly say I have no idea.
Rose: We started out talking about Mrs. Claxton's funeral.
Dorothy: But somewhere along the way, we segued into Blanche: The Miniseries.
Quote from Sophia
Sophia: When's Old Lady Claxton's funeral? I wanna pay my respects.
Dorothy: Pay your respects? I thought you hated her.
Sophia: I did. But when a person dies, you go to their funeral to show the man upstairs your respect for human life, no matter how wretched it was. Any idiot knows that.
Rose: I knew that.
Sophia: See?
Quote from Sophia
Rose: Oh, Sophia, I think you're a wonderful person. It's a lovely idea to share Mrs. Claxton's funeral expenses equally.
Sophia: Equally? I figured your share should be about half. After all, you're the one who killed her.
Quote from Blanche
Blanche: Let's just hurry up and get this over with.
Rose: Oh, Blanche, try to calm down.
Blanche: Well, I can't help it. Funeral homes give me the willies. That's why I've always avoided them. I've only been to two funerals in my entire life and I'm 45 years old.
Dorothy: You're such a liar.
Blanche: Alright, then, three funerals.
Quote from Sophia
Mr. Pfeiffer: Hello.
Blanche: Oh, I'm alright, I'm fine.
Rose: You'll have to excuse her. Funeral homes make her a little nervous.
Mr. Pfeiffer: Golly, they used to make me nervous, too. You know, at a traditional funeral home, all they talk about is caskets, burials, dead people. Here at Forever Peaceful, we've got rid of all that death stuff.
Sophia: What are you running here, a sushi bar?
Quote from Sophia
Rose: The funeral is for a neighbor.
Mr. Pfeiffer: Oh, well, my condolences.
Dorothy: Oh, well, there's no need. We didn't like her.
Blanche: In fact, the whole neighborhood despised her.
Mr. Pfeiffer: Oh, I see. Well, how did she pass on?
Sophia: She killed her.
Mr. Pfeiffer: Rough neighborhood.
Quote from Sophia
Mr. Pfeiffer: When would you like the services?
Dorothy: I don't know.
Mr. Pfeiffer: Well, how about Thursday night?
Blanche: Thursday night?
Sophia: Not Thursday. Hell, no.
Mr. Pfeiffer: I'm sorry, I forgot. The Cosby Show. How about Friday?
Sophia: You have a TV guide we could check?
Dorothy: Friday will be fine.
Quote from Dorothy
Mr. Pfeiffer: As long as you're here, have you thought about your own final farewell?
Blanche: Well, not yet, but when I do, I intend to go out with a bang.
Dorothy: And she means that.
Quote from Dorothy
Dorothy: Morning, Blanche.
Blanche: Dorothy, I wanna ask you something. Last night, about two in the morning, did you hear shrieking and screaming?
Dorothy: No, but usually, if your door's closed, I can't hear anything.