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‘It's a Miserable Life’ Quotes

The Golden Girls: It's a Miserable Life

204. It's a Miserable Life

Aired November 1, 1986

When the girls make a petition to save an old oak tree in the neighborhood, they go up against their miserable, bitter neighbor, Mrs. Claxton.

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: Wish me luck.
Dorothy: Wait. Blanche, why should you do it?
Blanche: Because we'll have a better chance. I happen to be a wonderful orator. And two of the commissioners can verify that.
Dorothy: Blanche, "orator" means "speaker".
Blanche: Really? Oh. Well, somebody else do the talking.

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Quote from Sophia

Mr. Pfeiffer: Come this way. Now, this is our slumber chamber. Oh, and here's my card. How may I be of service to you?
Dorothy: Uh, well, Mr. Pfeiffer.
Mr. Pfeiffer: That's Pfeiffer, the P is not silent.
Dorothy: Well, Mr Pfeiffer. We're interested in arranging a funeral.
Mr. Pfeiffer: Isn't that lovely? The three of you planning for Mother.
Sophia: Hey, Pfeiffer, how would you like a punch in your p-face?

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: I was at my funeral at 16. I saw the whole thing.
Dorothy: What?
Blanche: Sixteen was a very difficult age for me. My hormones were racing, my body was blossoming. I had urges and yearnings so strong. Sometimes I'd wake up in the middle of the night, just sweating and screaming and clawing, like a trapped panther. Unable to release the lusty, steamy passions that constantly threatened to erupt from within me.
Dorothy: When I was 16, I had acne and played the accordion in a marching band.
Blanche: Well, nothing seemed to go right that year. But the final indignity occurred during the Miss Magnolia Blossom Pageant. Instead of doing the right thing and awarding me the crown as the most beautiful girl in the county, they made me runner-up. And awarded me Miss Congeniality instead. At that moment, I vowed to make that town pay for valuing my personality over my perfect body.
Dorothy: I hear that Vanna White has the same problem.
Blanche: So I decided to kill myself to teach that town a lesson. I phonied-up my death in a riverboat accident. I had the captain, who I was secretly seeing after school, help me with the details. Everything went perfectly. Oh, the town had never seen a funeral like mine. Hundreds of people, beautiful eulogies. And then, just as the minister was getting everybody in a frenzy of grieving, I rushed out and said, "Yoo-hoo. It's me, Blanche. I'm not really dead." Well, the next thing I knew, my daddy was horse-whipping that riverboat captain and dragging me off to a religious girls' school in Atlanta. My daddy didn't get angry, but once you did, he was a real peckerwood.

Quote from Rose

Rose: Ernest T. Minky was St Olaf's librarian.
Blanche: Kaboom.
Rose: He was also our town's only dentist. He had his office right in the library, where he could do both jobs at the same time. But Everyone hated Minky. Well, he seemed to take great pleasure in giving other people pain. They hated him so much, that nobody ever went to the dentist. Or the library. In 1938, you could tell if someone was from St Olaf. They were illiterate and they had teeth that looked like Indian corn.
Dorothy: Thank you, Rose. That was a wonderful story.
Rose: I'm only half done.
Sophia: I passed a kidney stone once that was less painful than this.
Rose: One summer, I worked up enough nerve to check out the latest Nancy Drew mystery and Mr. Minky was stamping my book and his tie caught in the stamping machine. He'd have choked to death if I hadn't cut his tie with my Girl Scout knife. Well, he was so overwhelmed with gratitude that he let me check my book out for a week.
Blanche: What's so special about that?
Rose: Oh, usually he'd only let you check a book out for an hour. Mr Minky always said, "Books belong in a library."
Dorothy: Really, Rose? 'Cause I always thought Churchill said that at Yalta.
Rose: The point is, some people you think are mean might just need a little kindness.

Quote from Sophia

Blanche: Sophia, Forget it. We can't do that.
Sophia: Why not?
Dorothy: Because stapling a $20 bill to the petition is illegal. It's bribery. And don't tell us that's how you got things done in Sicily.
Sophia: That's not how we got things done in Sicily. Bribing people with money was how we got things done in New York. In Sicily, you cut off a horse's head and put it in somebody's bed.
Blanche: Sophia, you're making that up.
Sophia: Like hell. Our garbage commissioner, Fredo Lombardy, went on strike once. He woke up the next morning sharing a pillow with National Velvet. At 7.00am, he was out cleaning the street with his tongue.

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: Sophia, we live in the greatest country in the world. A country founded on the principles of honesty, truth and fairness. I am certain that, once we present our petition, the democratic system will prevail. And our noble endeavor to save that mighty oak will prove victorious.
Sophia: You certainly sound pretty confident.
Dorothy: Well, she slept with two of the commissioners.
Sophia: That works in Sicily and New York.

Quote from Sophia

Rose: Mrs. Claxton, we want you to know we all appreciate you helping us to save the tree.
Mrs. Claxton: I'm not. I'm here to make sure they tear it down. I hate trees. I hate people.
Blanche: Well, Mrs. Claxton, Rose told us you said you were going to help us.
Mrs. Claxton: That's right.
Dorothy: And now you're not?
Mrs. Claxton: That's right.
Rose: Well, why did you lie?
Mrs. Claxton: To get the Danish. Look, there's nothing I hate more than someone who thinks that every person who lives alone wants company and a few kind words. I live by myself because I like it. I've got no use for people. Never have. See you inside.
Dorothy: Ma, where are you going?
Sophia: To throw holy water on her. If she spits up pea soup and her head spins around, we're in big trouble.

Quote from Sophia

Blanche: Those sounds were coming from that urn with Mrs. Claxton in it.
Dorothy: Oh, Blanche, now you were dreaming. I'm telling you, this house is possessed by her spirit.
Sophia: Morning.
Blanche: Sophia, listen. Last night, in the middle of the night, about two in the morning, did you hear some awful, terrible, ghastly sounds?
Sophia: Heard 'em? I made 'em. There's a reason for expiration dates on cottage cheese. My kingdom for an Alka-Seltzer.

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: How did you do?
Sophia: I got 35 people to sign up.
Dorothy: Hey, that's great. Wait, Ma, three of these people are dead.
Sophia: Who are they gonna tell?

Quote from Blanche

Dorothy: Blanche, you've been gone three hours and you only got one guy to sign this petition?
Blanche: Well, give me a chance to freshen up and change clothes, I'll get you another one.

Quote from Sophia

Rose: Girls. I've got some bad news. I couldn't get Mrs. Claxton to sign the petition.
Blanche: Oh no, and that tree's on her property.
Dorothy: If she doesn't support the petition, the city will chop the tree down for sure.
Rose: I know. It doesn't make any sense. Why would she wanna cut down that gorgeous 200-year-old oak tree?
Sophia: Because Frieda Claxton is a miserable, vile, scum-sucking crank who gives nice old ladies like me a bad name.

Quote from Dorothy

Sophia: Believe me, she's a totally rotten human being.
Rose: Well, I for one don't believe there is such a thing as a totally rotten human being. I think there's some good in everybody.
Blanche: Well, I agree with Sophia. Mrs. Claxton is a mean old woman. Everybody in the neighborhood hates her.
Rose: How can you say that?
Dorothy: Come on. Last Halloween, half the kids in the neighborhood wore Frieda Claxton costumes.

Quote from Blanche

Rose: Well, maybe she's just one of those people who needs to be shown some kindness. Like a fellow I knew back home. Ernest T. Minky.
Blanche: I'm suddenly so hungry, I think I'll get something to eat.
Sophia: Boy, that was a close call.
Blanche: If I have to listen to one more story about the colorful people of St Olaf, I think I'll explode.

Quote from Rose

Rose: [on the phone] Hello, Mrs. Claxton? This is Rose Nylund. How are you? Well, I've never sat on one before, but wouldn't that be painful?

Quote from Rose

Rose: Girls, I've got great news. I've just come from Mrs. Claxton's and she says she wants to save the tree.
Dorothy: You're kidding.
Blanche: How did you manage that?
Rose: With persistence. I've gone to her house every day this week with a variety of home-made Danish, begging her to listen to reason. Well, she didn't want the apricot and she didn't want the cheese, but today the prune seemed to the trick.
Sophia: Always does for me.
Rose: Anyway, after she snarfed down two, she said she'd save the tree.

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: Well, Mrs. Claxton, how lovely to see you again.
Mrs. Claxton: Who are you?
Blanche: I'm your neighbor, Blanche Devereaux.
Mrs. Claxton: Oh, yeah. I didn't recognise you with your clothes on.
Blanche: I beg your pardon?
Mrs. Claxton: With my binoculars, I have a terrific view in your bedroom window. I think some of the stuff you do is illegal. I'm looking into it.
Blanche: Why, you miserable old...

Quote from Dorothy

Dorothy: Oh, Mrs. Claxton, I don't know if you remember me. Dorothy Zbornak.
Mrs. Claxton: Sure, I know you. You're the one with nothing going on in your bedroom.
Dorothy: Why, you miserable old...

Quote from Blanche

Mrs. Claxton: Let me save everyone a lot of time here. My name is Frieda Claxton. The tree is on my property and I could care less if the city wants to cut it down.
Dorothy: Look, sixty people live on that block and all of them have signed this petition to save the tree.
Mrs. Claxton: Concrete's cleaner. They'll get used to it.
Rose: Mrs. Claxton, please.
Dorothy: I also have pictures of the tree that I'd like you all to take a look at.
Mrs. Claxton: You wanna look at pictures? I've got pictures. Of her roommate, the human slinky.
Blanche: Shut up, Claxton.
Ed: Were there any other faces recognisable in those pictures?
Blanche: You shut up too, Ed.

Quote from Rose

Mrs. Claxton: Stop wasting the taxpayers' money. Yank out that tree and start pouring cement.
Rose: Mrs. Claxton, think about what you're doing. That beautiful old tree is 200 years old. How can you hate a living thing?
Mrs. Claxton: I hate you.
Rose: That's it! I have had all I'm gonna take from you. Now, if you don't have the common decency to treat people like human beings, then I'm sure as hell not gonna waste my time kissing your fanny. Now, if you don't like it, Mrs. Claxton, you just sit there and shut up while we have our say. And if you don't like it, just drop dead. Go on, Dorothy. [Mrs. Claxton falls to the ground]
Dorothy: What happened?
Sophia: You know you told her to "Drop dead"?
Rose: Yes.
Sophia: I think she did.

Quote from Dorothy

Rose: Why do people die, Dorothy?
Dorothy: Oh, Rose, please. I don't even know why fools fall in love.

Quote from Blanche

Rose: I killed her. I might just as well have shot her with a gun.
Dorothy: Honey, the woman was 83. She had a heart attack. It was just a coincidence.
Rose: Now, you haven't slept for two nights. You have to stop torturing yourself.
Rose: I guess you're right.
Blanche: Oh, Rose, you can't sleep again?
Rose: No.
Blanche: Rose, you have to put this behind you. You killed Mrs. Claxton two days ago.
Dorothy: Blanche.
Blanche: I mean she died two days ago.

Quote from Dorothy

Blanche: Rose, go to her funeral, have a good cry, you'll feel a lot better.
Rose: There isn't going to be a funeral. Mrs. Claxton didn't have any friends or relatives. She'll be buried in an unmarked grave in a potter's field.
Blanche: Gee, that's too bad. Is there any more of that cheesecake?
Rose: Blanche, how can you be so callous?
Blanche: Well, I'm sorry, but I'm not going to pretend to be in mourning. Mrs. Claxton worked overtime at being a nasty woman.
Dorothy: I mean, Blanche is right. That's why nobody wants to go to her funeral.
Rose: Dorothy, how would you feel if you dropped dead and nobody showed up at your funeral?
Dorothy: Well, it's probably a personal thing, but for me, I think dropping dead would be the bigger disappointment.

Quote from Dorothy

Sophia: What's everybody talking about?
Dorothy: Ma, I can honestly say I have no idea.
Rose: We started out talking about Mrs. Claxton's funeral.
Dorothy: But somewhere along the way, we segued into Blanche: The Miniseries.

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: When's Old Lady Claxton's funeral? I wanna pay my respects.
Dorothy: Pay your respects? I thought you hated her.
Sophia: I did. But when a person dies, you go to their funeral to show the man upstairs your respect for human life, no matter how wretched it was. Any idiot knows that.
Rose: I knew that.
Sophia: See?

Quote from Sophia

Rose: Oh, Sophia, I think you're a wonderful person. It's a lovely idea to share Mrs. Claxton's funeral expenses equally.
Sophia: Equally? I figured your share should be about half. After all, you're the one who killed her.

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: Let's just hurry up and get this over with.
Rose: Oh, Blanche, try to calm down.
Blanche: Well, I can't help it. Funeral homes give me the willies. That's why I've always avoided them. I've only been to two funerals in my entire life and I'm 45 years old.
Dorothy: You're such a liar.
Blanche: Alright, then, three funerals.

Quote from Sophia

Mr. Pfeiffer: Hello.
Blanche: Oh, I'm alright, I'm fine.
Rose: You'll have to excuse her. Funeral homes make her a little nervous.
Mr. Pfeiffer: Golly, they used to make me nervous, too. You know, at a traditional funeral home, all they talk about is caskets, burials, dead people. Here at Forever Peaceful, we've got rid of all that death stuff.
Sophia: What are you running here, a sushi bar?

Quote from Sophia

Rose: The funeral is for a neighbor.
Mr. Pfeiffer: Oh, well, my condolences.
Dorothy: Oh, well, there's no need. We didn't like her.
Blanche: In fact, the whole neighborhood despised her.
Mr. Pfeiffer: Oh, I see. Well, how did she pass on?
Sophia: She killed her.
Mr. Pfeiffer: Rough neighborhood.

Quote from Sophia

Mr. Pfeiffer: When would you like the services?
Dorothy: I don't know.
Mr. Pfeiffer: Well, how about Thursday night?
Blanche: Thursday night?
Sophia: Not Thursday. Hell, no.
Mr. Pfeiffer: I'm sorry, I forgot. The Cosby Show. How about Friday?
Sophia: You have a TV guide we could check?
Dorothy: Friday will be fine.

Quote from Dorothy

Mr. Pfeiffer: As long as you're here, have you thought about your own final farewell?
Blanche: Well, not yet, but when I do, I intend to go out with a bang.
Dorothy: And she means that.

Quote from Dorothy

Dorothy: Morning, Blanche.
Blanche: Dorothy, I wanna ask you something. Last night, about two in the morning, did you hear shrieking and screaming?
Dorothy: No, but usually, if your door's closed, I can't hear anything.

Quote from Rose

Rose: Girls, I have great news. I've found a final resting place for Mrs. Claxton.
Dorothy: Rose, you found one of her relatives?
Rose: No, I spread her ashes around the old tree in front of her house.
Blanche: Well, what on earth for?
Rose: To prove her life had meaning.
Blanche: As fertilizer?
Rose: No. After I spread the ashes and said a prayer, I went to City Hall and told them what I had done. I pointed out that it might not be such a good idea to disturb a person's resting place. And it doesn't look like they're going to cut the tree down after all.
Dorothy: Rose, that's lovely. Odd, but lovely.

Quote from Sophia

Rose: Girls, come look at the tree. Oh, isn't it breathtaking?
Dorothy: It sure is.
Blanche: And now it's always gonna be there.
Rose: All because of Mrs. Claxton.
Dorothy: You know, I guess you were right all along, Rose. Mrs. Claxton did have a reason for being here.
Blanche: You know, that tree's always going to be a reminder to me.
Rose: Reminder?
Blanche: Reminder to do something nice whenever I can for somebody else. I want my life to have meaning while I'm still living.
Sophia: What are you all looking at?
Dorothy: That beautiful old oak tree, Ma.
Rose: Mrs. Claxton's spirit's part of that tree now, Sophia.
Sophia: That's really lovely. And it's touching how that Great Dane is paying its respects.

Quote from Dorothy

Al Mullins: All right. Let's go over the plan once more.
Sophia: Check. At 1800 hours, we enter the suspects' domicile. At 1830 hours, we sit down to dinner. After wine is poured at approximately 1840 hours, I begin telling the story about Uncle Hertis and the skunks in the fountain, which should last about-
Dorothy: 1900 hours.


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