Rose: Girls, I have great news. I've found a final resting place for Mrs. Claxton.
Dorothy: Rose, you found one of her relatives?
Rose: No, I spread her ashes around the old tree in front of her house.
Blanche: Well, what on earth for?
Rose: To prove her life had meaning.
Blanche: As fertilizer?
Rose: No. After I spread the ashes and said a prayer, I went to City Hall and told them what I had done. I pointed out that it might not be such a good idea to disturb a person's resting place. And it doesn't look like they're going to cut the tree down after all.
Dorothy: Rose, that's lovely. Odd, but lovely.

Rose: Girls, come look at the tree. Oh, isn't it breathtaking?
Dorothy: It sure is.
Blanche: And now it's always gonna be there.
Rose: All because of Mrs. Claxton.
Dorothy: You know, I guess you were right all along, Rose. Mrs. Claxton did have a reason for being here.
Blanche: You know, that tree's always going to be a reminder to me.
Rose: Reminder?
Blanche: Reminder to do something nice whenever I can for somebody else. I want my life to have meaning while I'm still living.
Sophia: What are you all looking at?
Dorothy: That beautiful old oak tree, Ma.
Rose: Mrs. Claxton's spirit's part of that tree now, Sophia.
Sophia: That's really lovely. And it's touching how that Great Dane is paying its respects.

Rose: Why do people die, Dorothy?
Dorothy: Oh, Rose, please. I don't even know why fools fall in love.

Al Mullins: All right. Let's go over the plan once more.
Rose: Check. At 1800 hours, we enter the suspects' domicile. At 1830 hours, we sit down to dinner. After wine is poured at approximately 1840 hours, I begin telling the story about Uncle Hertis and the skunks in the fountain, which should last about-
Dorothy: 1900 hours.

Dorothy: Well, Mrs. Claxton isn't going to have a funeral. She had no friends and no relatives.
Sophia: Then we'll pop for her funeral.
Dorothy: Why?
Rose: To show the man upstairs that we have some regard for human life.
Sophia: No, no, no. It's an old Sicilian custom. It's good luck to bury somebody you hate.
Dorothy: Ma, you're not fooling me. You feel bad because Mrs. Claxton didn't have anybody.
Sophia: Maybe I do and maybe I don't. What's it to you?

Dorothy: Look, Mr Pfeiffer, about the p-funeral. About the- About the funeral arrangements, we'd like something simple, tasteful, yet...
Blanche: Incredibly cheap.

Mr. Pfeiffer: Well, okay. Let's get down to brass handles. Ladies, I'd like to present to you the winner of the 1985 Crypt and Casket Design Award. Paris has been talking about this one all spring. It's the Omega 3,000.
Dorothy: How much?
Mr. Pfeiffer: You know, that top is hand-embellished gold-leaf detail work. The satin interior is imported from a textile mill outside Gstaad.
Blanche: How much?
Mr. Pfeiffer: It's also lead-lined.
Dorothy: We're not burying Superman. How much?
Mr. Pfeiffer: $6,000.
Rose: My first house didn't cost that much.

Dorothy: Mr Pfeiffer, we have already told you we are bereaved on a budget. Now, if you can't accommodate us, we'll find someone who can.
Mr. Pfeiffer: You know, the Avanti Supreme is a big seller. That retails for just $3,000.
Blanche: What do you call this one?
Mr. Pfeiffer: A pine box.
Rose: How much?
Mr. Pfeiffer: $200.
Sophia: Sold.

Sophia: Oh, my God, this is terrible. Such a tragedy, such a tragedy.
Dorothy: Ma, try not to upset yourself.
Sophia: Two men on, the bottom of the ninth. That baciagaloop hasn't bunked.
Dorothy: Give me that.

Blanche: Girls, I'm tired of sitting here. Let's go.
Rose: I can't believe it. There was an announcement in the paper. Her friends must have realized she died. Why didn't they come?
Dorothy: They were too busy celebrating.