Geoff: Thanks for the ride, Mrs. G.
Beverly: Oh, you're not here to see Erica. Get comfy. This is an old-fashioned stakeout. Here. I made coffee and hot dogs.
Geoff: Oh, no, thank you. Hot dogs kind of jack up my stomach. And also, what's happening right now?
Beverly: See those idiots over there?
Geoff: You mean my mom and her friends?
Beverly: We're gonna make sure those baked potatoes don't compromise the safety of the entire neighborhood.
Geoff: So, we're like the Neighborhood Watch Watch?
Beverly: For all we know, one of those shaved bears could be the culprit.
Geoff: You mean, like, my mom who I love?
Beverly: Quiet. Somebody's coming.
Geoff: Oh, no. Is it the axe-wielding maniac? I'll protect you!

Erica: Hey, cheggit. My boyfriend and mom are mashed together in the front seat of a car.
Beverly: We're on duty, so beat it before you blow our cover!
Erica: Yeah, I hate to disturb whatever this is, but, um, what are you doing?
Geoff: She tricked me into spying on the neighborhood watch with her.
Erica: Oh. Well, here's an idea for a big boy. Come with me.
Geoff: Don't you dare open that door, or so help me, you're off the squad.
Geoff: Oh, no. Then there wouldn't be a squad.
Beverly: Erica, get in or get out.
Erica: Oh, tough one. [walks away]

Virginia: Beverly? We rang your bell to come join us.
Beverly: Oh. Well, I was busy enjoying a cool afternoon with my daughter's boyfriend.
Linda: Are you okay, Geoffrey?
Geoff: No.
Beverly: Strange, you girls are going East to West. The light's not as good. You know, if I were captain...
Jane: Well, you can stop right there. Because you're not.
Beverly: Well, I'm going this way. Who's with me?
Essie: Bevy, Jane's the captain.
Beverly: Well, you've left me no choice. I am starting my own Neighborhood Watch. Come on, Geoff!
Geoff: Sorry, Mama. I guess I got to go with my girlfriend's mom. See ya at dinner, I hope.

Pops: This is great, Mur. Seeing the sweaty muscle men live is way better than watching it on TV.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] This was it. My dad was finally gonna spend his hard-earned money on us kids to make a memory that would last a lifetime. Or not.
Murray: Sold out? This makes no sense.
Pops What are we gonna do?
Murray: The only thing we can do, that's go home and never try again.
Pops: No, Murray, you can't stop now! What about a scalper?
Murray: [groans] Stop coming up with solutions!

John Calabasas: Oh! Looks like we got a couple wrestling fans right here. How would you like some primo seats to WrestleMania and/or some heavily discounted, unlicensed merchandise?
Pops: Who's "Ander the Gaint"?
John Calabasas: The misspelling makes it a collector's item.
Murray: Just three of your best seats.
John Calabasas: You are in my luck, my friend. I got three in the third row. And to see those jacked, glistening bodies that close, it's only gonna set you back 400 bucks.
Murray: [grunts] Just give me the tickets.

Barry: Okay, I don't know what Dad's up to, but he's definitely gonna embarrass us in front of those taste-makers and men-about-town who attend professional wrestling events.
Adam: What do we do?
Barry: He did buy us amazing seats, so there's only one thing to do.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] Support our father.
Barry: Ditch him.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] Or that.

Beverly: Welcome to the first meeting of the newer, much better neighborhood watch.
Erica: I'm only here to do my laundry. [to Geoff] Roll. Don't fold.

Beverly: Which is why I acquired this state-of-the-art surveillance technology.
Erica: That's how the CIA does it.
Beverly: Next, our cutting-edge cordless communication devices.
Erica: Adam's G.I. Joe walkie-talkies?
Geoff: Mine's shaped like a cobra!
Beverly: And finally, official jackets.
Geoff: So many unnecessary words!
Erica: And yet, not enough to explain how stupid this is.
Geoff: Oh, it says "Geoff."
Beverly: They're never gonna see us coming.

Virginia: Hey, look, Beverly's coming.
Beverly: Good afternoon, Jane Bales and her crew of puffy-faced misfits.
Jane: Beverly, give it up. The neighborhood does not need two watches.
Beverly: I agree. And I accept your resignation and embarrassing tearful apology.
Linda: Are you okay, Geoffrey?
Geoff: I don't know.

Geoff: Bye, Mom.
Linda: Take a bag of nuts.
Beverly: Don't talk to her.