Beverly: I'm gonna give your dad the best day ever so that when he finally does see Pop-Pop, he won't even mind.
Adam: Sure, 'cause people rarely hold onto the memory of the person who hurt them most as a child.
Beverly: First, I'll let Steve Martin and John Candy work their thin guy/fat guy chemistry, then I'll invite his dingbat friends over.
Adam: Don't Bill and Vic have to be with their own miserable families on Thanksgiving?
Beverly: Lucky for us, Bill is totally alone. He has no one.
Adam: That is lucky.
Beverly: And Vic is Canadian. And those moose kissers celebrate Thanksgiving in October for hockey or maple syrup reasons.
Adam: Yeah, I guess Vic and Bill do calm Dad down, like that blanket you throw on Lucky when it thunders.
Beverly: And then comes my masterstroke... Your dad is gonna watch his beloved Eagles beat the Cowboys.
Adam: How are you gonna guarantee the Eagles win?
Beverly: Easy. I told him the game starts at 2:00. They already played, and those bumbling green doofuses somehow won.
Adam: So, you recorded it and you're gonna play it back for him. I admit, it's brilliant.

Pop-Pop: After your mother left, I was stuck with two dumb boys and didn't know how to be a parent, bonehead.
Murray: How is that my fault, you jerk?
Pop-Pop: It isn't. I was just scared and lonely and overwhelmed... And I got angry and took it out on the wrong people, dumbass.
Murray: Well, I didn't know that, moron.
Beverly: I know you're yelling and it all sounds hateful, but this is really good.
Murray: I had to raise myself and my brother because you wouldn't, you piece of crap.
Pop-Pop: And that is my greatest regret, you fathead idiot.
Murray: That is the nicest thing that you have ever said to me, you old sack of bones!
Beverly: It's working. It sounds so terrible, but it's beautiful.
Pop-Pop: That's why I crap on everything you have, because I'm jealous. I mean, look at your life. Look at this big, dumb house and your beautiful moron family.
Murray: It is nice! And I'm proud of myself.
Pop-Pop: You should be, you ass.
Murray: I'm glad I could share it with you, you son of a bitch.
Pop-Pop: Me, too! I'd like to make up for lost time, putz.
Murray: I'd very much like that, you broken old bastard!

Beverly: This is what I'm talking about! It's finally Thanks-[bleep]-giving!

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Back in the '80s, Thanksgiving meant football, the Macy's Day Parade, and my dad's favorite movie... "Planes, Trains and Automobiles."
Steve Martin: [on TV] Those aren't pillows!
Murray: Ooh! Ooh-hoo! He thought his buns were his pillows, but they were his buns! [laughs]
Pops: I liked when he was going the wrong way on the highway. [laughs] I've done that.
Adam: It's like John Hughes made this just for me.
Murray: Well, he didn't, Gene Shalit. So, why don't you pipe down and go help your mom with the giblets?
Adam: I will. But only 'cause I don't know what giblets are, and I like to learn.

Adam: Plus, he makes Dad absolutely miserable. It's gonna be another Angst-giving.
Beverly: Angst-giving?
Adam: It's clever wordplay. I'm super proud of it, even though it's gonna be a living nightmare for everyone.

Beverly: Ben?
Pop-Pop: I know you told me to come over at 4:00, but I have no heat, and you people like to burn money, so here I am.
Beverly: You brought a little something? Thank you. It's empty.
Pop-Pop: It's for leftovers. I'm on a fixed income. Oh, where's your can? I took a hit off the garden hose and my bladder is the size of a cashew.
Beverly: There's one upstairs.
Pop-Pop: Ooh-la-la. Second floor. Oh, look at this one with the fancy head glasses.
Adam: They're for seeing. Also, hello, Granddad.

Murray: Dad! The hell are you doing here?
Pop-Pop: Came through the back because I got lost wandering through this landed estate which is Murray Acres.
Murray: It's just a simple suburban home.
Pop-Pop: Whatever helps you sleep at night, sellout. Eh. Wait, but come here. Ooh. Look at this. I thought you had to be dead to have skin that gray, but turns out you just look like crap. Anyway, so, kid, here. Hang this up for me, will ya?

Adult Adam: [v.o.] It was Thanksgiving Day, 1980-something, and Barry and Erica were ready to be picked up for the short ride home.
Barry: [sighs] I'm dying. I haven't eaten in 17 hours.
Erica: I'm gonna regret asking. Why?
Barry: Just like the Pilgrims, I'm starving myself to maximize stomach space for the turkey bounty that lies ahead. Crack a history book.
Erica: If you were in Pilgrim times, you'd die immediately. Probably of some shoe-buckle mishap.
Barry: Or I'd win over the Indians by introducing them to the ultimate weapon... Nunchucks. Boom. Big Tasty's face on every totem pole.

Beverly: I know, but the perfect Thanksgiving plan is still intact, and it all starts with a slice of delicious... Oh, spiced ass! Oh!
Pops: Murray won't even blink.
Beverly: It's okay. The day can still be salvaged. Bill and Vic will be here any minute.
Adam: Bill and Vic aren't coming.
Beverly: The hell you say to me? [throws a yam]
Adam: [winded] Ooh! Did you just chuck a yam at me?
Beverly: Oh, butch it up. It was cooked.
Adam: It's not my fault Bill's appendix exploded three days ago. They just found him. His side is super infected.
Beverly: Oh, that selfish bastard.
Adam: He sends his love. And as for Vic, he's serving turkey dinners at a homeless shelter.
Beverly: Of all the days to do that.

Barry: Excuse me... Panam. Such an exotic name. Are you from the Orient?
Stewardess: Pan Am is the airline. I'm Elaine from here.
Barry: Please don't correct me, Elaine from here. It's an ugly color on you. Now, when can I expect meal service, huh?
Stewardess: I'm sorry, it's a 40-minute flight, so we won't even be coming by with the beverage cart.
Barry: What about peanuts?
Stewardess: This gentleman right here took the last bag.
Marvin: If you don't want me taking them, don't leave them in the back of the bottom drawer in the galley.