Beverly: Excuse me a sec. [static hisses] Erica, go for Chief of Enforcement Bev. Over?
Erica: Mom, I told you I don't want any part of this.
Beverly: [static hisses] What's that? A disturbance. Over?
Erica: [static hisses] Please leave me alone.
Beverly: [static hisses] A 521? Copy that. Over!
Erica: [static hisses] You keep saying "over," but then it's not over.
Beverly: [static hisses] Chief of Enforcement signing off. [static hisses] Well, we must go. And while you're standing around letting your bodies go to rot, we'll be keeping mayhem off the streets. Lock and load, Schwartz!
Geoff: Load what?
Beverly: Just follow me.

Murray: Hey, hey, hey! Let's do this!
Adam: Dad?
Barry: What the hell, man?
Murray: I've been watching wrestling. I love "Ding Dong" Randy.
Barry: It's "King Kong" Bundy. And why are you wearing Erica's old bathing suit?
Murray: 'Cause it's what a good dad does. Here, one of you Hulk-a-mannequins hold my keys. [clicks tongue]
Barry: So we stick with the plan?
Adam: We stick with the plan. And maybe get him a robe on the way out.

Jane: Stop everything. I just discovered my car's windshield had a rock tossed through it!
Beverly: Damn it! I need to get back out there. I can't believe I wasted time talking to you haggard pumpkins!
Jane: No need. Because I think you'll discover the person who committed this crime is none other than Beverly Goldberg. [all gasp]
Beverly: I don't think I like what you're implying, Jane.
Jane: And there was a note attached. ["**** you, Jane!"] [all gasp]
Beverly: Wait. You all think that I would do this?
Virginia: Well, it is something you might say.
Essie: Have said.
Linda: Yeah. Like a lot.
Essie: In front of our children.
Beverly: In that case, um, [bleep] you... [all gasp] ... and your [bleep] frazzled [bleep] faces. I know that doesn't help my case. But [bleep] all of you.

Beverly: Thank you all for coming and thank you once again to my brother-in-arms, Officer Puchinski.
Jane: Well, I assume we're here so you can fess up to cracking my car window.
Beverly: Oh, I did crack something, Jane. I cracked the case. [women gasp] Yeah. That's right. The person who broke the windows was... this guy. [all gasp]
Geoff: A pinecone?
Erica: And it would've gotten away with it if it weren't for you.
Jane: Please. I mean, this is really who you want leading your neighborhood watch?
Beverly: Both Ginzy and Geoff parked underneath the giant pine tree out front. The autumn breeze loosened one of the cones, and... Whammo! Broken glass.
Virginia: That does make sense.
Geoff: Of course! Pinecones! They're nature's rocks!
Erica: Rocks are nat... Never mind.

Barry: I can't believe we're missing the greatest wrestling match in the history of humankind.
Adam: And I can't believe Dad just wanted to spend time with us.
Barry: It's not just that. He went to something he hated for us, and instead, we body-slammed his heart.
Hulk Hogan: [clears throat] I couldn't help, but overhear.
Barry: The Hulkster?
Adam: Hulk Hogan?
Hulk Hogan: Listen, brother.
Barry: He knows we're brothers.
Hulk Hogan: Your dad sounds like a pretty good father, brother.
Barry: No, he's our dad. We're brothers. I'm your biggest fan, but you sound like an idiot right now. [chuckles]
Hulk Hogan: Look, if your dad wants to make an effort, you should, too. You've only got one father, brother.
Adam: Whoa, he drops fools and knowledge!
Barry: I'm on it, Hulk! Thank you!
Hulk Hogan: Scram!

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Back in the '80s, every kid was obsessed with professional wrestling's greatest superstars. Especially me!
Adam: You're gonna feel pain you've never known, Iron Sheik! Bodyslam! [grunts] [creaks]
Murray: You moron! You broke the bed!
Adam: And The Iron Sheik's spine, so American values are preserved!
Murray: Where do you come from?

Adult Adam: Yep. We even made movies about wrestling. But no one loved it more than Barry.
Barry: Listen up, Hulkamaniacs, you better eat your vitamins and say your prayers 'cause these 24-inch pythons are gonna have lots to say about it, brother! [glass shatters] Ow, my toe!
Murray: Dammit! This is why we can't have nice lamps!
Barry: Chad did it! He's...
Adam: What?
Barry: .. very aggressive and should know better as a guest in our home!
Chad: I do know better, which is why I didn't!
Barry: And just throw some lies on top of your trail of destruction, Chad! This guy.
Adam: We were just making a wrestling film.
Murray: Well, now you're just sitting in my lampless room making nothing. I'm shutting it down!

Adam: Or my "Rowdy" Roddy Piper stretch wrestler?
Barry: That's actually my Rowdy Roddy Piper stretch wrestler!
Adam: No, it's my Rowdy Roddy Piper stretch wrestler! You lost your Rowdy Roddy Piper stretch wrestler at the zoo!
Murray: Damn it! I said no wrestling!
Barry: This isn't wrestling! This is real fighting! Now gimme back my Rowdy Roddy Piper stretch wrestler, you...

Jane: Most importantly, what exactly is your plan to keep our neighborhood safe?
Beverly: I thought we would develop some signals in case there are, uh, cutthroats or marauders on the street, you know, like... [cawing]
Jane: Bird noises. That's Beverly's plan. Here's mine. [all gasp] Can you just hold that? I've listed 10 different ways to keep our neighborhood safe, from posting signs to installing better lights.
Linda: So well researched.
Virginia: Beautiful typography.
Essie: Elegant, like her.
Beverly: Oh, shut your holes, you gassy nags!
Jane: Wow. We should probably vote right now.
Beverly: Or we can postpone the vote until I can bedazzle a poster board myself. Yay! We're doing that.
Officer Puchinski: No. I'm not coming back here. Who wants this lady as captain? [Virginia, Linda and Essie sheepishly raise their hands]
Beverly: How dare you? You old toads!
Essie: She has good plans, Bevy.
Beverly: Officer, I'm losing. Take out your gun and make me captain.
Officer Puchinski: No.

Adam: Wait, before you say no...
Murray: Yes.
Barry: You cheap old bastard! I've never liked you!
Adam: Wait. What?
Murray: Here you go. And, uh, throw it on on the TV upstairs so I can watch it, too.
Both: Uh...
Murray: And afterwards, the three of us can head to Bookbinder's for some crab, make a night out of it.
Adam: Dad, respectfully, did you fall off the toilet again?
Barry: Yeah, since when do you want to watch wrestling or spend money or be with us?
Murray: Since now! Can't a dad have a little bonding time with his sons?
Adam: A dad can, but not our dad.
Murray: Just buy the damn wrestling, morons!
Barry: There's our guy!
Adam: That feels right!