Barry: So, what's your idea?
Pops: The greatest Abbott and Costello routine of all time, guaranteed to kill. It's a famous skit about the players and their funny names. It's called "Who's On First?"
Barry: Who?
Pops: Exactly. So you know it?
Barry: What?
Pops: Yes. "What's" on second.
Barry: You started this thing. You tell me.
Pops: Okay. Let me clear this up. "Who" is the player. "Who" is on first.
Barry: Why won't you tell me?
Pops: You know what, I think you're gonna need some visuals. Then you'll know "Who's On First."
Barry: Who?

Pops: Okay, now you can clearly visualize where each and every player is. So, who's on first?
Barry: Easy. Von Hayes.
Pops: No. It's Who. Who is on first.
Barry: I just told you, Von Hayes.
Pops: I'm not asking you about the Phillies lineup. I'm telling you. It's Who!
Barry: Von Hayes.
Pops: Okay, look at me. Ask me the name of the player on third base.
Barry: I don't need to ask you. It's Mike Schmidt, right?
Pops: Wrong. This is "I Don't Know."
Barry: How do you not know Mike Schmidt? He's a Gold Glove winner and a perennial All Star!
Pops: Barry! Just listen! Who is on first! Who! I'm telling you! Who is the name!
Barry: And I told you! His name is-
Pops: Don't you dare say Von Hayes!
Barry: [muttering] Von Hayes.

Pops: Barry, don't do that show. I'm just trying to protect you here.
Barry: From what?
Pops: From yourself! You don't know any of the words to that song, and I can't help you like I did with the karate!
Barry: What do you mean, help?
Pops: I swapped in a board made of balsa wood!
Barry: Balsa wood better be the strongest of all woods.
Naked Rob: Bro, it breaks like a Kit-Kat bar.
Barry: That better be the strongest of all candy bars.
Matt: It's not, dude.

Adam: He helps me every day. You're just realizing that now?
Barry: That's why you're always chatting him up?
Adam: What did you think I was doing?
Barry: I thought you were trying to get his gold.
Adam: He doesn't have any gold.
Barry: All old people have gold.
Adam: The gold is his wisdom.
Barry: Lame!

Jackie: Wow! That was totally badass.
Adam: You like how I flipped over the He-Man table?
Jackie: You know what? You should perform that song in the holiday talent show.
Adam: You think?
Jackie: I know. Not to completely objectify you, but the whole thing was insanely hot.
Adam: Me, hot? Yeahhh, oh! [chuckles nervously] Never thought I'd hear that from a girl. Is it warm? My cheeks are burning.

Jackie: What can I say? You make quite the Billy Joel.
Beverly: More like Boopie Joel. [singing] Schmoo didn't start the fire But his cheeks are gushy and his tushy's squooshy. Give me a little nibble.
Adam: Just look away, Jackie! Look away!
Jackie: I am looking away, but there's a mirror right there.
Beverly: [growling] Aaaah! [laughs]

Erica: I have an announcement. We've spent a lot of time together this holiday break, too much in fact.
Beverly: You've been home for one day.
Erica: You're feeling it, too.

Beverly: Murray, your daughter wants to spend the holiest day of the year without the family. Say something!
Murray: Holy?! Most years, we give up halfway through.
Beverly: Murray, don't interrupt.

Adam: Still getting used to wearing my shades indoors like the Piano Man.

Lou Schwartz: Oh, don't worry. We just got you a little something, classic first night gift, no big deal.
Beverly: Holy crap! Streisand tickets?
Murray: Summer sausage?! Who are you?