Geoff: A savings bond? I can't touch this for 10 years! So sensible.

Beverly: Those people are human trash.
Murray: Come on! All the man did was give you Streisand tickets.
Beverly: Third row center? Best seats in the house? These people are monsters who will steal our children.

Barry: Mr. Glascott!
Mr. Glascott: Oh, my God. Oh, my Pop-Tart! Today was my cheat day!
Barry: I have huge news. I'm signing up for the talent show. I know it's last minute, but I will not take "no" for an answer.
Mr. Glascott: And you won't have to. There's like 14 spots left.
Barry: Then consider it your lucky day 'cause you just got yourself your opening act.
Mr. Glascott: Okay, you seem way too fired up about this. Let me be painfully clear. This is a holiday talent show.
None of it matters.

Mr. Glascott: Honestly, this isn't some high-stakes, life-defining event. It's just a wasted night.
Barry: Then it's up to me to prove you wrong.
Mr. Glascott: No! Do not use me to raise the stakes any further. Just sign up and move on.
Adam: Mr. Glascott! Big news, I'm gonna sing "We Didn't Start the Fire" at the talent show.
Mr. Glascott: No one cares!

Barry: I'm just doing as my sensei, Pops, commands.
Adam: Pops isn't your sensei. He's my Jedi Master, and he'd never tell you to do the same song as me.

Lou Schwartz: While I do appreciate the offer, night two is a Schwartz family favorite, so we'll be hosting it.
Beverly: Well, your son already formally RSVP'd. I cornered him at school, and he signed the response card.

Lou Schwartz: Fine. You take night two. We'll do nights three through eight.
Beverly: Six nights and the closer?
Lou Schwartz: Okay, then you can take night four.
Beverly: The hump day of Hanukkah? How dare you.
Lou Schwartz: How dare me, what? I don't understand why you're so worked up.
Beverly: Cut the crap, Schwartz! You're trying to steal Hanukkah, and it ain't happening.

Beverly: You blinded me from Hanukkah?
Lou Schwartz: Yes. For three whole hours.
Beverly: You have made a dangerous mistake, Lou Schwartz! Blinding me has only fueled my anger, and I will use my rage to peel more potatoes than I've ever peeled!
Lou Schwartz: Better watch your fingers.
Beverly: And you better bring your appetite, 'cause once I sour cream and applesauce up a latke, it is game, set, Hanukkah!

Naked Rob: Dude, who's awful idea was this?
Pops: That'd be me. I'm his sensei.
Andy: Mr. Grandpa, sir, I would like to go on record and respectfully say that your advice will destroy Barry's life and that you suck at this.

Beverly: When it comes to the Festival of Lights, the Goldbergs really know how to turn it on.
Linda Schwartz: Wow. [chuckles] That is so festive.
Lou Schwartz: And dangerous. Last thing I'd want is for you to burst into flames so we'd have to host Hanukkah every year.