Barry: And with my help, you can have that, too. All you got to do is make sure you pick friends that have a specific role in the group.
Beverly: Ooh, like my beloved Golden Girls.
Barry: Yes, for instance, I'm the Dorothy, the strong, masculine leader who keeps everyone in line.
Beverly: Oh, you are my handsome Bea Arthur.
Barry: And Andy here is our Sophia, the tiny, adorable spitfire.
Andy: No filter, yo.
Barry: Naturally, Naked Rob is our Blanche the sensual one, free with his body.
Naked Rob: My parents got me someone to talk to once a week about it.
Barry: And Matt Bradley here is our Rose, dumb as rocks and always messing everything up.
Matt: I just treasure these friendships.

Linda Schwartz: She's right. I just don't have time to be a Goldberg Girl.
Beverly: But I thought we could travel down the road and back again. My heart is true. Your pals and my confidants.
Essie Karp: I don't even know you.
Beverly: Essie, if you threw a party and invited everyone you knew.
Virginia Kremp: Yeah, we all know the theme song.
Beverly: You would see the biggest gift would be from me. And do you know what the card attached would say?
Coach Mellor: "Thank you for being a friend"?
Beverly: Exactly.

Essie Karp: Oh, my God, this white zin is to die for.
Linda Schwartz: And I have a coupon!
Beverly: Oh, you guys, look over there. So cute, right?
Virginia Kremp: Oh, I hope that's us when we're old.
Real Virginia Kremp: Did that lady just call us "old"?
Real Beverly Goldberg: Some people are just so [bleep] rude these days.
Real Essie Karp: Oy, this white zin is to die for.
Real Linda Schwartz: And I have a coupon!

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Ah, the '80s, the golden age of TV theme songs. Seemed like every show had a tune you couldn't get out of your head, but the catchiest was The Golden Girls, a show about four saucy seniors enjoying their twilight years. When they came on, you couldn't help but sing along.
Beverly: [singing] Thank you for being a friend Traveled down the road and back again
Adam & Beverly: Your heart is true You're a pal and a confidant Boom boom boom
Erica, Adam & Beverly: And if you threw a party And invited everyone you knew
Barry, Erica, Adam & Beverly: You would see the biggest gift would be from me And the card attached would say "Thank you for being a friend"
Murray: Good song, great ladies. Oh, Blanche!

Erica: So, what? I ride Geoff around on a mower and he stops being lame for a few minutes?
Adam: Kind of missing the point, but yes.
Erica: Dad, I need your stupid mower!
Murray: Now you want to mow the grass? It's the middle of winter! It's about to snow!
Erica: It has nothing to do with mowing!
Murray: Then why do you need it?
Erica: It's a whole freaking thing! Just stop asking questions!
Murray: Oh, I'll ask questions, alright!
Erica: Dammit, I'm in college! I shouldn't even have to ask to use the stupid gardening equipment!
Murray: When I'm done soaking this toe, I'm going to go in the garage, and so help me, if that lawnmower's missing, it's curtains for you! Curtains!
Erica: Well, good luck catching me with that swollen Cheeto toe! [to Adam] Thanks for the love help. This is gonna go great.
Murray: Curtains!

Adam: Oh, "Weekend at Bernie's". That's it.
Erica: It's not.
Adam: "Road House".
Erica: Eh.
Adam: "Interspace".
Erica: No!
Adam: "Taxi Driver"?
Erica: Seriously, no!
Adam: Mac and Me?
Erica: Stop!
Adam: "Krull."
Erica: I don't even know what that is!
Adam: "Halloween!"
Erica: How many toys do you have?!
Adam: Disney's "Black Hole?"
Erica: At least take them out of the package and play with them!
Adam: Beastie Droids!
Erica: That's not even a movie.
Adam: Wait, "The Highlander," there's a tiny love story before all the swordfighting.
Erica: Sure, why not.
Adam: It's not going to work.
Erica: I know.
Adam: "Buck Rogers?"

Virginia Kremp: Hi. Is your mom home?
Barry: Your kind is not welcome in my home. So beat it!
Beverly: No, no, I'm here. I'm here. What's wrong?
Linda Schwartz: There is a huge snowstorm upstate. All the roads are closed.
Barry: And so is this conversation. No one disrespects my mama! You're all a bunch of garbage!
Beverly: Hey, Barry, dial it back a little bit.
Virginia Kremp: Bevy, we are really sorry for excluding you, but you are the only one who can help us.
Barry: Put a sock in it, Kremp! We both saw this day coming. Come on! Hit me! Free punch! Right there! Right there!

Essie Karp: Actually, I told my husband that I'd be back by 9:00, so maybe we should just jump right in?
Beverly: I bet you'd like that, you little hussy. But sure, let's get cracking. Okay, I got everybody a bedazzler. Now, tell me, what color jewels should we use?
Essie Karp: Jewels?
Beverly: For our matching sweaters, you big slut!
Virginia Kremp: Ah Bevy, why are you being so off putting?
Beverly: Don't listen to her, she's old and cranky. Cough up some dust, why don't you? [laughs]

Erica: Wait a second, you're dad's kid, too. So how did you not inherit his crappy outlook on love?
Adam: 'Cause I've chosen other, way better paternal role models, like John Hughes.
Erica: The reclusive billionaire who saved his bodily fluids?
Adam: No! That's Howard Hughes. I'm talking about the filmmaker who makes romantic teen movies. That's who I model my life after.

Linda Schwartz: What's happening?
Beverly: Classic Linda, She's such a clueless dummy, right, but in a good way!
Essie Karp: Okay, why do you keep calling us names?
Beverly: Hey, I'm just busting balls. That's what we do in the Goldberg Girls. That's our cool new name, by the way. [laughs] Goldberg Girls! [silence] We'll get there.