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40Quotes from ‘The Goldberg Girls’

The Goldbergs: The Goldberg Girls

511. The Goldberg Girls

Aired January 3, 2018

Beverly seeks Barry's help to assemble a friendship group like The Golden Girls. Meanwhile, Erica fights her Murray-like instincts to give Geoff a big romantic gesture.

Quote from Beverly

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Ah, the '80s, the golden age of TV theme songs. Seemed like every show had a tune you couldn't get out of your head, but the catchiest was "The Golden Girls", a show about four saucy seniors enjoying their twilight years. When they came on, you couldn't help but sing along.
Beverly: [singing] Thank you for being a friend Traveled down the road and back again
Adam & Beverly: Your heart is true You're a pal and a confidant Boom boom boom
Erica, Adam & Beverly: And if you threw a party And invited everyone you knew
Barry, Erica, Adam & Beverly: You would see the biggest gift would be from me And the card attached would say "Thank you for being a friend"
Murray: Good song, great ladies. Oh, Blanche!

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Quote from Barry

Barry: And with my help, you can have that, too. All you got to do is make sure you pick friends that have a specific role in the group.
Beverly: Ooh, like my beloved Golden Girls.
Barry: Yes, for instance, I'm the Dorothy, the strong, masculine leader who keeps everyone in line.
Beverly: Oh, you are my handsome Bea Arthur.
Barry: And Andy here is our Sophia, the tiny, adorable spitfire.
Andy: No filter, yo.
Barry: Naturally, Naked Rob is our Blanche the sensual one, free with his body.
Naked Rob: My parents got me someone to talk to once a week about it.
Barry: And Matt Bradley here is our Rose, dumb as rocks and always messing everything up.
Matt: I just treasure these friendships.

Quote from Beverly

Linda Schwartz: She's right. I just don't have time to be a Goldberg Girl.
Beverly: But I thought we could travel down the road and back again. My heart is true. Your pals and my confidants.
Essie Karp: I don't even know you.
Beverly: Essie, if you threw a party and invited everyone you knew.
Virginia Kremp: Yeah, we all know the theme song.
Beverly: You would see the biggest gift would be from me. And do you know what the card attached would say?
Coach Mellor: "Thank you for being a friend"?
Beverly: Exactly.

Quote from Erica

Erica: So, what? I ride Geoff around on a mower and he stops being lame for a few minutes?
Adam: Kind of missing the point, but yes.
Erica: Dad, I need your stupid mower!
Murray: Now you want to mow the grass? It's the middle of winter! It's about to snow!
Erica: It has nothing to do with mowing!
Murray: Then why do you need it?
Erica: It's a whole freaking thing! Just stop asking questions!
Murray: Oh, I'll ask questions, alright!
Erica: Dammit, I'm in college! I shouldn't even have to ask to use the stupid gardening equipment!
Murray: When I'm done soaking this toe, I'm going to go in the garage, and so help me, if that lawnmower's missing, it's curtains for you! Curtains!
Erica: Well, good luck catching me with that swollen Cheeto toe! [to Adam] Thanks for the love help. This is gonna go great.
Murray: Curtains!

Quote from Beverly

Essie Karp: Oh, my God, this white zin is to die for.
Linda Schwartz: And I have a coupon!
Beverly: Oh, you guys, look over there. So cute, right?
Virginia Kremp: Oh, I hope that's us when we're old.
Real Virginia Kremp: Did that lady just call us "old"?
Real Beverly Goldberg: Some people are just so [bleep] rude these days.
Real Essie Karp: Oy, this white zin is to die for.
Real Linda Schwartz: And I have a coupon!

Quote from Adam

Adam: Oh, "Weekend at Bernie's". That's it.
Erica: It's not.
Adam: "Road House".
Erica: Eh.
Adam: "Interspace".
Erica: No!
Adam: "Taxi Driver"?
Erica: Seriously, no!
Adam: Mac and Me?
Erica: Stop!
Adam: "Krull."
Erica: I don't even know what that is!
Adam: "Halloween!"
Erica: How many toys do you have?!
Adam: Disney's "Black Hole?"
Erica: At least take them out of the package and play with them!
Adam: Beastie Droids!
Erica: That's not even a movie.
Adam: Wait, "The Highlander," there's a tiny love story before all the swordfighting.
Erica: Sure, why not.
Adam: It's not going to work.
Erica: I know.
Adam: "Buck Rogers?"

Quote from Erica

Erica: Dude, you've done something special every single day.
Geoff: Aww, you noticed.
Erica: Oh, I've noticed. The flowers, the mix tapes, the Mariachi band that was really nice at first and then they overstayed their welcome.
Geoff: Okay, well, did you ever think that I do all this to compensate for what you do, which is nothing.
Erica: I'm on winter break! I'm supposed to do nothing!
Geoff: I'm just saying, it would be nice if you went all out for me once in a while. Where are my rose petals and mariachis who play three songs too many?

Quote from Murray

Murray: Why the hell are my stairs covered in garbage?
Erica: That was all Geoff. Yeah, he threw a bunch of wildly dangerous rose petals all over the place. Which I adore!
Murray: This isn't a damn botanical garden. Go get a broom, Schwartz.
Geoff: I see where you get it from.
Murray: Is he going to go get a broom or what?

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: Shmoops. "The Golden Girls" are on. Come sit. We'll watch and picture how we'll spend our golden years together.
Adam: Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Do you actually think you and I are going to share a house when we're old?
Beverly: No. [chuckles] Barry and Erica will be there, too.

Quote from Barry

Barry: Looking for a posse, eh? You've come to the right place.
Adam: Yes! Barry's rudely butting in like he always does.
Barry: It's your lucky day, 'cause I happen to command the greatest friend group ever assembled The JTP!
All: JTP!
Beverly: Oh, that's fun. You say three letters to them and they always scream them back at you.

Quote from Erica

Erica: Wait a second, you're dad's kid, too. So how did you not inherit his crappy outlook on love?
Adam: 'Cause I've chosen other, way better paternal role models, like John Hughes.
Erica: The reclusive billionaire who saved his bodily fluids?
Adam: No! That's Howard Hughes. I'm talking about the filmmaker who makes romantic teen movies. That's who I model my life after.

Quote from Beverly

Virginia Kremp: Hey. Haven't seen you at the PTA in a while.
Beverly: Oh, I know, I've been so busy, and also I was banned for complaining about the crappy sangria last time. But here I am, and everyone's too afraid to say anything to my face!

Quote from Beverly

Virginia Kremp: Well, we could certainly use your help. We have a huge agenda tonight, winter formal planning, fundraising-
Beverly: Creating a tight-knit group of friends so we don't die alone. Think about it, Ginzy. You and me, living it up in a Miami bungalow like sisters.
Virginia Kremp: Um, I kind of have actual sisters that I can live with.
Beverly: Well, your sisters can [bleep] themselves. I'm sorry, but they can.

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: Look at me, Ginzy.
Virginia Kremp: I'd rather not.
Beverly: Look at me right now.
Virginia Kremp: Mm-hmm.
Beverly: It's you and me until the day you die.
Virginia Kremp: Okay, okay. There you go.
Beverly: We'll be just like "The Golden Girls" and you'll be Sophia!
Virginia Kremp: What? The grumpy older one?!
Beverly: Exactly. Just look at your face. You're totally her, you goofy old bat.

Quote from Barry

Barry: Okay, let's review everything I taught you about being a bodacious leader of a friend group.
Rule 1.
Beverly: Always bust balls.
Barry: Yes! Friendship is about breaking down the walls to figure out what really bothers a person. Rule two?
Beverly: Pick a badass name for the group and yell it as often as possible to display a terrifying show of unity.
Barry: I chose the JTP, three letters, but powerful.
Beverly: Well, I'm looking for my Golden Girls, so I chose Goldberg Girls. Goldberg Girls!
Barry: Rule three?
Beverly: Uh, create opportunities to bond.
Barry: May I suggest lighting your farts? It's really brought me and my friends a lot closer.
Beverly: I was more thinking we would bedazzle matching sweaters, like fashionable street toughs.
Barry: Ah, very lame. So it's perfect!

Quote from Beverly

Essie Karp: Actually, I told my husband that I'd be back by 9:00, so maybe we should just jump right in?
Beverly: I bet you'd like that, you little hussy. But sure, let's get cracking. Okay, I got everybody a bedazzler. Now, tell me, what color jewels should we use?
Essie Karp: Jewels?
Beverly: For our matching sweaters, you big slut!
Virginia Kremp: Ah Bevy, why are you being so off putting?
Beverly: Don't listen to her, she's old and cranky. Cough up some dust, why don't you? [laughs]

Quote from Beverly

Linda Schwartz: What's happening?
Beverly: Classic Linda, She's such a clueless dummy, right, but in a good way!
Essie Karp: Okay, why do you keep calling us names?
Beverly: Hey, I'm just busting balls. That's what we do in the Goldberg Girls. That's our cool new name, by the way. [laughs] Goldberg Girls! [silence] We'll get there.

Quote from Barry

Virginia Kremp: Hi. Is your mom home?
Barry: Your kind is not welcome in my home. So beat it!
Beverly: No, no, I'm here. I'm here. What's wrong?
Linda Schwartz: There is a huge snowstorm upstate. All the roads are closed.
Barry: And so is this conversation. No one disrespects my mama! You're all a bunch of garbage!
Beverly: Hey, Barry, dial it back a little bit.
Virginia Kremp: Bevy, we are really sorry for excluding you, but you are the only one who can help us.
Barry: Put a sock in it, Kremp! We both saw this day coming. Come on! Hit me! Free punch! Right there! Right there!

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: You know, we really do make one heck of a ski committee, huh?
Linda Schwartz: Yeah. You know what, I think we could make a pretty damn good group of friends.
Beverly: What are you saying?
Virginia Kremp: We're saying after this, we should find a restaurant that has cheesecake on the menu.
Essie Karp: And white zin!
Beverly: Essie, you are such a Blanche!
Essie Karp: I really am!


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