Adult Adam: [v.o.] Barry was right. I was the king of big, apologetic gestures.
Dave Kim: The Say Anything boombox? I'm turning on the sprinklers!
Adam: Aw, geez! [trips] Ohh!
Adult Adam: [v.o.] Problem was, Dave Kim knew all my moves.
Dave Kim: Sappy montage of all our greatest moments, some in shameless slow-motion, set to an emotionally manipulative song?
Adult Adam: [v.o.] So I pulled out my biggest weapon.
Adam: Okay, okay! Here he comes!
Adult Adam: [v.o.] Not even Dave Kim could resist a giant musical number.
Adam: A-one and a-two...
Dave Kim: Stop! Nobody dance!
Adam: But we have a humongous choreographed musical number set to the song "Friends" by rap-pop duo Whodini.
Dave Kim: You don't get it. The only reason I even chose NYU was because you were going to be there. But after what you did, we are no longer friends, and we never will be.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] I had treated my best friend terribly. The only thing left for me to do was try to forget him.
Adam: I'm trashing all my cherished memories.
Erica: Hold up. Maybe I want the box. What is this stuff?
Adam: It's my Dave Kim keepsake collection.
Barry: Sure, we all have one. Is this a Minnesota Vikings tablecloth?
Adam: It's the wizard cloak we used in our D&D adventures.
Erica: Ticket stubs?
Adam: Our first Weird Al concert. He played "I Want a New Duck" back to back with "Girls Just Want To Have Lunch."
Barry: Finally. Something not terrifyingly dorky... a notebook.
Adam: That's the English to Artootin dictionary from our made-up language.
Erica: Why are there six words for "thrust"?
Barry: No way.
Adam: It's a nuanced dialect! Who knows. Maybe G.I. Jed will turn out to be a non-judgmental and endlessly loyal best friend, just like Dave Kim.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] With that, my brother and sister set out to prove that apologizing was a universal language.
Dave Kim: Tell Adam whatever this is, I don't want it.
Erica: Wait. He doesn't know that we're here.
Barry: We've got something to say to you, Dave Kim.
Erica: Kaa-toom ault-fay bleep bloop. Am-day zeep arrrrr wee choot-choot. [subtitle: "This is our fault. Adam loves you more than you know."]
Barry: Fee torp Dam-ay doop-doop weee, diots-iay. [subtitle: "Don't blame Adam because we're idiots."]
Dave Kim: You guys learned Artootin? Feep-feep, ova tizz. Meeg norp?
Erica: Yeah. We kinda just memorized that small chunk. Anyway, we're sorry if we destroyed what you and Adam had, but we hope that it's not unfixable.
Barry: The reason none of Adam's big gestures of love worked on you is 'cause... [sighs] ...you know him better than anyone.

Barry: We're gonna help you decide what you're gonna take to college.
Adam: My Omnibot cassette-playing robot with Huey Lewis and the News inside!
Barry: Here's something that shouldn't be news... Women don't like robots.
Adam: He-Man and the entire line of Masters of Universe action figures.
Erica: In this universe, you will get no action.
Adam: My trusty calculator watch.
Barry: The only thing you'll watch is the babes run away.
Adam: Nothing's cooler than my Indiana Jones hat and whip. [whip cracks] Ow!

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Back in the '80s, the show Dynasty was the best. It had crazy wealth, shoulder pads, and endless lady fights. And no one loved it more than my mom.
Beverly: [sing-song voice] Everyone, shut up!
Adam: We were sitting quietly.
Beverly: [normal voice] But now you're talking. Anticipate my irrational anxiety, Adam. It's Dynasty night!
Barry: I'll always be noiseless for you, Mama.
Beverly: Thank you, Barry. And, tonight, you are my favorite.

Beverly: Damn it! Who the hell is interrupting Dynasty night?! [opens door]
Vic: Ha ha! Hello, Beverly. Hope I made it in time for kickoff.
Beverly: Kickoff? Oh, Murray's off touring a suede factory in Tucson.
Vic: So I guess, "You'll get to go to Tucson next time, Vic," means the time after that.

Dave Kim: [enters] Huge news!
Adam: Carrie Fisher said yes to your prom-posal and now you have to find a Han Solo-themed tuxedo?
Dave Kim: Better! As you know, I've been struggling to decide between my college acceptances.
Barry: Bragging is a form of bullying.
Dave Kim: But after taking into account who I could be going to college with...
Adam: Don't tease me, Dave Kim!
Dave Kim: I'm going to NYU, baby!

Adam: I guess if we had other roommates, we could meet more people.
Erica: There ya go! Tell him that.
Adam: And we can introduce our new friends to each other?
Erica: You won't, because you'll be ditching him, but that's another lie he might believe.
Adam: I don't know.
Barry: We do. We'll send this form in and make a list of everything that's wrong with Dave Kim.
Adam: You don't need to do that.
Barry: It's already done... up here.

Formica Mike: There she is! What nosy business are you up to?
Beverly: I'm looking for our TV remote. Murray instinctively carries it with him everywhere. Oh, bingo! [chuckles]
Adult Adam: [v.o.] But the remote wasn't all she found.
Beverly: The [bleep] is that?
Formica Mike: Oh, that's our well-respected coffee corner. We have over two flavors.
Beverly: I am familiar with the coffee corner. What I'm not familiar with are those hideous mugs. What happened to the paper cups?
Formica Mike: Jane thought that those were, uh... Oh, how did she put it? Um, "a bag of ass."
Beverly: Jane? Jane Bales?
Formica Mike: Yeah, Janey has tons of ideas, which I'm happy to indulge because she's got the bod of a department-store mannequin.

Jane Bales: There's my king! Oh, it's so decent of you to consort with the sick and the wretched.
Beverly: Jane. Did the other witches forget to tell you where the coven was meeting again?
Formica Mike: [laughs] Fun stuff. Here I go.
Beverly: Jane, what the hell do you think you're doing with those mugs?
Jane Bales: Uh, I'm just classing up the joint. I mean, God knows this store needs it.
Beverly: This store is just fine.
Formica Mike: [chuckles] This place makes your home look like Buckingham Palace. Buckingham Palace is in England, and I'm just telling you because I think you're provincial and dumb.
Beverly: The only thing dumb is you thinking that you have any say in what goes on around here.
Jane Bales: I'm seeing the Formica King. Doesn't that make me the Formica Queen?
Beverly: How dare you? The Ottoman Empire was started by my father. If anyone's queen, it's me.
Jane Bales: Says you. Ta!