Ms. Cinoman: Again, no one's calling this guy anything, because it's not a play. We're doing nothing.
Matt Schernecke: But the cast wrap party is historically where Schernecke shines romantically.
Ms. Cinoman: Get your pity smooches elsewhere, Matt Schernecke. We're doing bupkis because the licensing fees went up.
Adam: Balls! The musical is the one time where theater geeks get light-to-moderate fame in this school.
Emmy: Football players would nod at me. I was a shape they recognized.
Dave Kim: A cheerleader said, "Oh, it's you," right to my face. Like we shared the same world!

Adam: What are we gonna do?
Ms. Cinoman: Nothing, unless anybody has any fully fledged material lying in a drawer at home.
Johnny: I got some stuff in a drawer at home that makes me fully fledged.
Ms. Cinoman: Out!
Johnny: Way ahead of ya.
Adam: Actually, I have a musical.
Ms. Cinoman: Do tell.
Adam: It's called "The Play Ground," and it's a meditation on what it means to play.
Dave Kim: Adam made me read it. It's about a flower who wants to get planted on the other side of a playground. It's okay.
Adam: Okay?! It might be the best thing a 12-year-old's ever written. It just needs a finale.
Ms. Cinoman: Sounds amateurish and unfinished, but it's all we got.
Adam: I'm humbled to share my creative vision with you.
Ms. Cinoman: Relax, Tennessee Williams. Just shove it in your backpack tonight.

Erica: God, no!
Adam: But it's a chance to see our work up there in lights!
Erica: You have a marquee?
Adam: There's a bulletin board with pins. It's the same.
Erica: I had fun writing that with you like five years ago, but I'm busy with my studies and my boyfriend and not wanting to do it at all.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] While my sister was kicking me out, my dad was kicking back at the office, until this guy moseyed in... Formica Mike, the Formica King, my dad's local furniture-shop rival. He was gaudy, tacky, and my dad couldn't stand him.
Mike: Hello, Murray Goldberg.
Murray: What do you want?
Mike: It's not what I want. It's what I'm offering... an invitation to break bread.
Vic: I'll break a stale loaf over your head.
Murray: Vic, come on.
Vic: I'm sorry, but I will not fall victim to this man's shenanigans. Have you seen his commercials? I can't trust a man who dresses like a mattress.
Mike: Oh, you saw my spots? Listen, does it look weird when that couple's lying on top of me?
Vic: No. Narratively, it worked fine. I'm responding to the costume.

Murray: What are we talking about here?
Mike: We're talking about you, me, and our wives having dinner together. What do you say?
Murray: I say I've never wanted to do anything less. Then I don't have any choice but to purchase these two chairs.
Vic: Our sitting chairs?!
Murray: Fine. If it makes this end, I'll have dinner with you, but I'm eating quick.
Mike: Is there any other way? We're going to Le Bec-Fin. It's French.
Vic: Holy moly! It's also considered the best restaurant in America. Dick Cavett ate there.
Mike: Well, so are we, this Saturday night. Tell your wife. She'll have heard of it.
Murray: I doubt it.

Beverly: Le Bec [bleep] Fin?! Ohh!
Murray: What are you so excited about? I thought you hated Formica Mike and his Formica wife.
Beverly: I do. They're snooty garbage that rub their obscene wealth in our faces. But Le Bec-Fin?! Oh! They pour you that little bit of wine for you to taste, and you taste it and you go, "Mmm," but you don't know.
Murray: Aren't you at least curious as to why these people want to take us out to dinner?
Beverly: Nope. Le Bec-Fin! Oh! I'm gonna buy a new dress, hat, and over-the-elbow opera gloves!
Murray: Opera gloves? What's wrong with these sink gloves?
Beverly: Damn it, Murray! Le Bec-Fin! I wish my mom were alive so I could show her I'd made it.

Dave Kim: You did the right thing. Your brother is no friend to music.
Adam: Plus, there's nothing Erica would hate more than if I let him ruin our musical. Hold on!
Dave Kim: Don't say "Hold on." Nothing good ever happens when people in your family say "Hold on"!
Adam: If I let Barry ruin our musical, Erica will have to step in and fix it.
Dave Kim: That's a huge leap, and it will most certainly backfire.
Adam: Not a chance, Dave Kim. You can go. And please take your piano guts with you.
Dave Kim: Do you know how long it took to get this thing down the stairs? You're not a good friend! [arpeggios play]

Adam: You're in!
Barry: Yes! What are my parameters?
Adam: None. Go wild.
Barry: Buck wild?
Adam: What's the difference? You know what? Surprise me.
Barry: Good decision. You just became a millionaire.
Adam: I don't see how, but sure.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] While I enlisted Barry's help, my mom and dad reported for dinner with the King and Queen.
Beverly: Le Bec-Fin! I can't believe we're here! And in the back room?
Mike: Nothing but VIP, baby. My Franny demands it.
Fran: That's enough out of you, Mikey. Although I do love the privacy. Who wants to sit with other people?
Murray: If you want to be more alone, I can make that happen.
Beverly: Oh, Murray, stop it. Le Bec-Fin!
Murray: That was gibberish the first 50 times you said it. Is this place too good for a basket of bread?
Fran: No, but they do have this divine Melba toast.
Murray: Toast? I put on pants to eat the one thing I could make at home?
Mike: You know what? I'm with the big guy here. Give me a hot cross bun, plate of salty butter. That's living.

Beverly: You have a house down the shore?
Mike: Four houses in from the boardwalk.
Beverly: Did you hear that, Murray? Four houses in!
Mike: And I got a lead on a house two in from the boardwalk.
Fran: Meaning ours could be available soon. Wink, wink.
Beverly: She's winking at me. We own a shore house now.
Murray: How did you get that from her having crap in her eye?
Beverly: Oh, we're gonna spend every summer with our ungrateful children and then their children. We are gonna anchor our family to the beautiful brown and gray shores of New Jersey.
Mike: That's how it works with our crappy kids.
Fran: Pure crap, but we love 'em.