Pop-Pop: Here we are. Ding-dong we go. [doorbell rings]
Adam: Trick or treat, I guess?
Witch: What are you supposed to be?
Adam: The only thing that makes sense is trash.
Witch: Well, happy Halloween.
Pop-Pop: Yeah, happy for you. Have you seen this?
Witch: A poorly drawn circle?
Pop-Pop: That's a pumpkin. I don't like your sass, Zorro.
Witch: I'm clearly a witch.
Pop-Pop: Yeah, I bet you are.
Adam: Thank you. When did you draw a "missing" sign for a pumpkin?
Pop-Pop: Just put the Circus Peanuts in the hot sock and keep moving.

Pop-Pop: Come on, already. Let's knock.
Adam: Clearly, no one's home. They left a bowl out with a sign that says, "Take one!"
Pop-Pop: Oh, I guess they didn't take my pumpkin. Nobody can be that stupid. Look, I'm just gonna roll up this, uh, Cinch Sak, and you can dump it all in there.
Adam: And break the trickor-treater's code? No way.
Pop-Pop: [choir singing] Holy butt paper! Is this Halloween or Christmas?
Adam: Why are you so excited about a tree full of toilet paper?
Pop-Pop: That's enough Charmin to last me two weeks.
Adam: That's a remarkably short amount of time.
Pop-Pop: Will you stop squawking and start gathering? Now, shimmy up that branch and get to the top stuff. Come on.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] As my night took another crappy turn, Barry was ready to say good night to Big Tasty.
Barry: [sighs] Farewell, dookie rope. You will never gleam on my jacked neck again.
Joanne: What are you doing with your mom's jewelry?
Barry: Please. She would never wear anything this small and tasteful. [necklace jangles] I'm burying everything that was Big Tasty. Rest in piece, Kangol hat. You protected my head full of sick rhymes.
Joanne: Stop. You can't throw away who you are.
Barry: And yet, I am. Adios, Adidas tracksuit. I'll never rap or occasionally exercise in you again.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] And with that... Barry set out to make novelty-music history. There was howling...
Erica: A-woo.
Barry: Bigger. More wolf-like.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] Rewrites.
Erica: Wait, why is the witch taking the train to Transylvania? Wouldn't she just ride her broom?
Barry: Good note. We need to establish the witch lost her broom license.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] Aand lots of train sound effects.
Joanne: Chug-a-chug-a-chug-a-chug-a-chug-a... Whoo! All aboard, ghouls and ghoulettes.
Barry: Everyone stop and cherish this moment, 'cause tomorrow, your simple, pathetic lives are over.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] And when it was over, they had a song. Sort of.

Pop-Pop: Oh-ho-ho! A tree full of two-ply. Life doesn't get better.
Adam: I sincerely hope it does.
Pop-Pop: Oh, right, I forgot. Boy Iacocca here wipes his tush with cotton candy.
Adam: Cotton candy? That seems like a big mess.

Beverly: Murray, our baby is safe. Call the police and tell them to cancel the APB.
Murray: I never really called in the first place.

Beverly: Oh, no. What happened?
Adam: I just got clocked in the face with Pop-Pop's albino pumpkin.
Beverly: Get over here.
Pop-Pop: Yeah, well, uh, here's the thing... it wasn't my pumpkin. I never had a pumpkin. I made the whole thing up.
Beverly: Ben, what did you do?
Pop-Pop: I was just trying to give the kid a Halloween like his other grandpa used to.
Adam: So the trash bags and the going door-to-door...?
Pop-Pop: Eh, it was the closest I could get to tricks, treats, and whatnot. But like you said, it was horrible.
Adam: It wasn't great. But... you tried.
Pop-Pop: Yeah, and I screwed it up. That's what I do.
Adam: It's true, what Pops and I had was special. But, trust me, this is a night I'll never forget.
Pop-Pop: Well, you might, after taking that whack to your noggin, but, uh, I'll remember for both of us.

Girl: #1: Trick or treat!
Beverly: Who are you supposed to be?
Girl: #2: Girls holding pillowcases?
Beverly: No, you have to have a costume.
Girl: #1: Fine. I'm her and she's me.
Beverly: You know, our dog walker's termite specialist had a daughter who was full of sassafras. [chuckles] One Halloween, a wayward jellybean lodged in her ear canal. She lost her hearing, her balance, then while scuba diving, she couldn't tell which way was up and started going deeper and deeper down. The pressure crushed her bones like a soda can. Now she works at an arcade, making change with her mouth.
Girl: #2: Any Smarties?
Beverly: Just take one.
[As Beverly holds out the cauldron of Halloween candy, her hand pops up through the bottom. The girls scream and run away]
Beverly: Happy Halloween!

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Back in the '80s, I loved Halloween, especially the costumes, and no one made dressing up more special than my Pops. But this was gonna be my first Halloween without him, and things were bound to be a little different. [doorbell rings]
Pop-Pop: [opens door] The hell is this?
Matt Schernecke: It's Halloween. Traditionally, people knock on doors.
Pop-Pop: They're still doing that? Uch.
Murray: Candy's in the bowl! [door closes] Don't touch any Reese's Cups. They're mine. Adam! Dave Kim and his brother are here!
Matt Schernecke: I'm clearly not Dave Kim.
Brea: And I'm definitely not his brother.
Murray: Yeah, I don't care. What's with the hat?
Brea: I'm the shy and mousy love interest, Adrian from Rocky.
Matt Schernecke: And I'm Rocky's corner man, the gruff but loveable Mickey. It'll be more obvious with Adam as our Rocky Balboa.
Pop-Pop: An Italian throwing punches. [chuckles] There's something new.

Brea: So you're not coming to the Halloween dance?
Adam: I should probably just stay home and heal up, but eat some candy corn for me.
Matt Schernecke: Candy corn is ass. It has a chalky and waxy texture, and don't get me started on its mouthfeel.
Adam: How dare you?! It's chewy and just a bit crumbly, and it holds its shape just enough for a good tooth sink. Brea, thoughts?
Brea: Not really. As soon as you said "mouthfeel," I kind of shut down. At least we drove over here to hear the news in person.