Virginia Kremp: I'm so glad you two like it. It's gonna be a very special day.
Beverly: Oh, you mean a special life. I'm joining this [bleep].
Virginia Kremp: Uh, what?
Beverly: I mean, can't you just picture me lounging around in my tennis whites, sharing a genteel laugh with other members about the poor commoners on the other side of the club wall? [Virginia chuckles] "More pickle water?", "Yes, please."
Virginia Kremp: You actually can't just join. You have to be admitted. There is an application process, interviews...
Erica: Mom, if you become a member, can I have two showers? One that you host and one that Ginzy hosts?
Beverly: Of course you can. We're tennis people now. We do whatever we want.
Erica: Okay, I'm gonna call Gimbels and tell them to add electronics, auto parts, and anything made of fur to the registry.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] While my mom was hoping to score tennis points with Jane Bales, I was worried about losing my partner.
Adam: Brea, you and I are doomed!
Brea: Guess we won't be breezily walking to class.
Adam: Barry and Joanne said so. There was role-playing. Their individual performances were insulting, but still, it confirmed my greatest fears.
Brea: Don't let them get in your head, okay? We're Adam and Brea.
Adam: Right. William Penn's power couple. We're basically the Madonna and Sean Penn of this school.
Brea: Billy Joel and Christie Brinkley.
Adam: Mike Tyson and Robin Givens. Wow, so many incredible couples built to last. Just like us. Thanks. I feel so much better.

Brian Corbett: Yo, Brea, wanna hit up the Winter Formal?
Brea: I'm going with Adam... my boyfriend.
Adam: [scoffs] Hence our couple's moniker... Brea-dam. It's unpleasant to say and hear, but we're rock solid.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] And then, it kept happening.
Brian Walls: Brea... You wanna go to the water tower Friday night? I got my cousin's dirt bike for the weekend.
Adam: Can they not see me?
Brea: Guys, I'm going out with Adam Friday night. And every night.
bri:Well, if things change, let me know.
Adam: Nothing's gonna change. 'Cause we're Brea-dam. Or Ad-rea. Our names might not fit together, but we do!

Principal Ball: Trouble in paradise, Mr. Goldberg?
Adam: Alpha males keep asking out my hot girlfriend.
Principal Ball: Mm.
Adam: Tends to rattle a man.
Principal Ball: That's because they smell blood in the water. [dramatic music plays]
Adam: What do you mean?
Principal Ball: Sharks have an incredibly keen sense of smell. Even a drop of sea lion blood as far away as a mile...
Adam: I've seen all the Jawses! [music stops] I meant, how does it apply to my situation here on land?
Principal Ball: Let's face it... No one understood how you nabbed Brea Bee in the first place. And now everyone knows you're going to different colleges... [dramatic music plays] ...there's a feeding frenzy.
Adam: Oh, no. [music stops] And also, you're way more tangled up in students' romantic lives than most principals.
Principal Ball: It's the only part of this job that gets me out of bed. [music resumes]

Brea: Oh, this seems normal.
Adam: I know we both got into our dream schools and long distance will 100% work for us, but also, everyone hearts New York. They make shirts about it.
Brea: Sure, New York is fine.
Adam: Fine? [scoffs] The metropolis that gave us hip-hop and the Waldorf salad is fine? Wow, you must be lightheaded from hunger. Here, it's from the Katz's Deli, an NYC landmark.
Brea: [eats] Mm.
Adam: And?
Brea: It's a good sandwich, Adam.
Adam: And in New York, you can eat one of those every day, knowing that if your heart gives up the fight, you can be rushed to your choice of over private hospitals.
Brea: [scoffs] Are you trying to sell me on New York?
Adam: [scoffs] I would never. But is it working?

Brea: Adam, Providence has plenty going for it, too.
Adam: Of course! But name one thing.
Brea: Well, I only spent a couple days there.
Adam: Seems like an inadequate amount of time to make a lifetime decision. Hey, get another hearty taste. You shorted yourself on the kraut last time.
Brea: I can't believe that you're trying to talk me out of Brown. Can you imagine if I was like, "Providence is so much better than New York."
Adam: I cannot imagine it, because no one has ever said that.
Brea: Whatever. Maybe New York is the better city, but the point is, I would never try to talk you out of going to your dream school. [sighs] Give me that. [takes sandwich]

Beverly: Any calls? I'm expecting life-changing news from the club.
Murray: The phone rang. I heard voices, a beep. Uh, maybe.

Beverly: You voted against me?
Jane Bales: [sighs] Lars, give me a moment, and then let's do that thing where I pretend I forget how to hit a backhand and you hold me from behind. I voted "yes" on you joining.
Beverly: What?
Jane Bales: Yeah. I would've loved to intimidate you with my naked locker room stretches. Somebody else blackballed you.
Beverly: But everyone else loves my special way.
Jane Bales: Mm, well, maybe you should ask your puckered friend.
Virginia Kremp: [scoffs] I have a naturally pinched face, and you said that you wouldn't tell! I lent you my Lars lesson so you would keep the secret. My Lars lesson!
Jane Bales: Whoopsie.
Beverly: How could you?
Virginia Kremp: How could I not? This place is my only safe haven from you. News flash... you can be very mean to me, Beverly.
Beverly: Oh, listen to you. You sound like a bleached-out sack of mulch.
Virginia Kremp: See, this is exactly what I'm talking about. And for the record, most of your insults don't even make sense!

John Calabasas: Psst. Hey, kid.
Adam: Aren't you the guy who takes the photos at the mall?
John Calabasas: Uh, I wear many hats, including a job called "hat wearer." Monkeys won't sit still for it, so here we are. Hey, did I hear you say you're in the market for a school?
Adam: The Providence University of Technology and Sciences. Dean John Calabasas?
John Calabasas: Yep! I'm also the head of admissions, and I'll be checking IDs at the library when/if we get a library. The great news is, you just got accepted. [noisemaker blows] Welcome to PUTS.
Adam: "PUTS"? That's not well thought out.
John Calabasas: Neither is our motto... "Knowledge is knowing."

Adult Adam: [v.o.] And it felt something like this.
Adam: Friends! Faculty! Kids I've made no effort with! I got into NYU! [crowd cheering] ?
["Celebration" by Kool & the Gang plays]
Adam: Yo, Ball! NYU, baby! I'm in!
Principal Ball: Congratulations, Goldberg. Normally, big musical numbers require a permit, but, hey... let's do this.