Beverly: Now, I've earmarked the next hour for a retrospective Q&A.
Mr. Glascott: I have a "Q." What are you gonna do now that you're leaving us high and, if I might add, dry?
Beverly: Well, John, I've decided to take my talents to New York City.
Mr. Woodburn: What talents are those, exactly?
Beverly: My parenting talents. I am gonna follow Adam to NYU.
Adam: [to Brea and Dave] What's that, now?
Dave Kim: She said she's going to NYU, where I'm also going. This suddenly affects me.
Beverly: Actually, it was Adam's idea for me to join him.
Adam: That was not at all my idea.
Beverly: He said, "Mama, let's go write our next chapter together in New York."
Adam: Those were neither my words nor my intention.
Beverly: Any other questions?
Mr. Woodburn: Yeah, mine's not so much a question as a comment. This is the happiest day of my teaching career.
Beverly: [laughs] Oh! Too much, Dale. Oh, thank you for adding levity to a difficult time. And thank you, schmoo. This is all because of you. Assembly dismissed.
Principal Ball: Big thanks, Goldberg. [hugs and kisses Adam on the cheek] Happy editing.

Erica: Do you think the people at 21 Jump Street suspect that they live next to a bunch of undercover high-school cops?
Geoff: Well, actually, 21 Jump Street would be across the street, not next door, because it's an even number.

Barry: Lou, I'm full of duck and ready to rock. Give me that list of yours.
Lou Schwartz: You know, I can probably hunker down and do this all myself.
Barry: Nonsense, Lou.
Joanne: No.
Barry: Your game is eyeballs. Mine is dominating your lame to-do list. Now, someone grab me a pair of pliers, a random number of batteries of any size, and a leftover leg of that Peking duck.
Linda Schwartz: I thought you said you were full.
Barry: I was Linda, but when I stood up, the food in me shifted and created more room. I'm like a suitcase that way.
Joanne: Yeah, you are.

Mr. Glascott: Beverly, it's with a heavy heart and an inadequate knife that I attempt to cut this ice-cream cake that Helen was supposed to remove from the freezer an hour ago.
Helen: I'm also supposed to change out the chili from week to week. What can you do?

Adam: Mama, I made a little video for this occasion.
Mr. Woodburn: Raise your hand if you're tired of this kid's videos already.
[Mr. Woodburn and Dave Kim raise their hands]
Mr. Woodburn: I don't have to be nice to you anymore.
Adam: You were nice to me?

Adam: Anyway, Principal Ball, I think you'll see I put the new editing equipment to good use.
Principal Ball: Oh, no. You have an inner calm which suggests you've regained the upper hand.
Adam: Let's find out. Dave Kim, lights.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] What Ball didn't count on was that I'd make a video so emotionally manipulative, it would make my mom never want to leave.
Mr. Glascott: [on video] I'm John Glascott. I'm gutted, because, soon, the sun will go down on my place of employment forever.
Dave Kim: [on video] Our Quaker Warden is like bumpers in a bowling alley. She keeps you from ending up in the gutter, where I was no doubt headed.
Brea: [on video] [flatly] I feel sorry for the hundreds of kids who have to walk these halls without Beverly's loving support. Adam, this is [bleep].
Mr. Glascott: [on video] We also share a small patch in the community garden together, although I do the majority of the work, and her carrots are dead.
Principal Ball: [on video] Students, you will always cherish the time you spent with... [cut to different clip] ...Beverly Goldberg.
Mr. Glascott: [on video] Thank you, Beverly, for all you've given us. [sobs]
[title: "In Memorium Quaker Warden Beverly Goldberg]

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Next was "change batteries in smoke detectors."
Joanne: Are you sure that's a new battery? [smoke detector chirps]
Barry: Define "sure" and "new."
Joanne: I only ask because it's beeping. [smoke detector chirps]
Barry: That's the sound of it detecting you're a smoke show.
Joanne: Aw!

Beverly: There they are.
Erica: We just came to give you our laundry. Extra softener. I like my towels buttery.

Principal Ball: What I'm saying is, I need to know what your mother plans to do after you graduate.
Adam: Power walks, annoy people, argue with shop clerks. More of the same, I guess.
Principal Ball: I meant job-wise.
Adam: She hasn't said anything about next year. But I guess I could find out.
Principal Ball: I need you to press your sweaty little thumb on the scale and push really hard toward her leaving.
Adam: You think I actually have influence over what she does?
Principal Ball: Well, I imagine you will find a way.

Beverly: There you are, Earl. You left me hanging in your office.
Principal Ball: Apologies. I was just having a chat with your multitalented son.
Adam: Yep. Principal Ball was just giving me the keys to the new Avid suite.
Principal Ball: No, no. I will you give you them after you accomplish the task which you have promised to do for me.
Adam: I think you should give me the keys to incentivize me to do the task.
Principal Ball: That's not gonna happen. First keys, then task.
Adam: No, no! First task, then keys! [they struggle]
Beverly: My actual son and my work husband have such a fun vibe.