Adam: [to Principal Ball] I did you a solid, and now my college experience is gonna eat turds.
Dave Kim: I probably won't even go anymore. I'll just join my cousin selling junk bonds. Sure, I'll have a white leather couch and a doorman that high-fives me and says, "D.K. in the house!" But it's not college!

Adult Adam: [v.o.] As I regained the upper hand and got my mom to stay, Lou's to-do list was in good hands, thanks to Barry. Sorta.
Barry: It's fall ahead, spring behind, right?
Joanne: I don't know clocks. I get up when I'm hungry.
Barry: I've never been more confident about a 50/50 guess in my life.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] And then "Fix Lou's reading glasses." Finally, "Change light bulb in fridge."
Barry: Why does he need a new bulb? I can see in here just fine. Whoa! They're bananas-in-the-fridge people.

Beverly: I heard you've been spending Sundays with the Schwartzes. And I wanted to grab a day, so say hello to Tuesdays with my Schmoos Day.
Geoff: Ooh! What fun wordplay. And by the heat of Erica's glare, I'm disengaging now.
Beverly: Then it's Momtober Fest, a 31-day celebration of my affection for you.
Erica: I'm gonna be out of town all of Momtober.
Geoff: What?
Erica: [clears throat] Yeah.
Beverly: You can't say no to Friday Fry Day, where I will deep-fry anything you want.
Erica: Hear my word. No.
Geoff: Even vegetables?

Beverly: Knock-knock!
Principal Ball: Whoa! Saying "knock-knock" is not the same as actually knocking and giving a person time to hide under his desk.
Beverly: I have important Quaker Warden business, Earl.
Principal Ball: Uh-huh.
Beverly: What do you see in this Polaroid?
Principal Ball: A urinal.
Beverly: This is the urinal from the third-floor boys' room. And there is a giant chip in the porcelain.
Principal Ball: How long have you been photographing our urinals?
Beverly: Our boys are princes. Do you really expect them to make pishy on chipped porcelain?
Principal Ball: Which answer ends this conversation?
Beverly: None of them do. And in anticipation of your question, "Where are we gonna get the money for a school-wide urinal reglazing?", the answer is simple. Take it out of Mrs. Montag's salary.
Principal Ball: The Latin teacher.
Beverly: That language is dead. And let's face it, it's only a matter of months before Montag jumps in the grave with it.
Principal Ball: You raise an important point which merits careful consideration. Be right back. [runs out]

Principal Ball: [whispers] Goldberg.
Adam: Aah! You have light footsteps.
Principal Ball: It's come to my attention that you would like to use the school's fancy, new Avid editing machine?
Adam: And how! I'm completely underwater editing my new Blade Runner spoof. I call it Blade Walker. But it's still over three hours, and the test audience, Dave Kim, is not having it.
Principal Ball: None of that interests me in the least. But... Here. Keys to the editing suite.
Adam: Bless your administrative heart.
Principal Ball: But there is a certain quid pro quo involved.
Adam: Oh, I don't know any Latin. Mrs. Montag pretty much sleeps through the entire class. Someone should check on her.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Finally, Erica's least-favorite part of the night... Geoffrey, would you mind?
Lou Schwartz: We've got quite the Sonny-do list this week.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] ...the chores, which Lou and Linda would always pile on Geoff.
Geoff: "Replace batteries in smoke detectors. Program VCR. Refill humidifier. Empty dehumidifier." Hey, what do you say we put the humidifier and the dehumidifier in the same room and let them fight it out? [Lou and Linda laugh]
Erica: Well, fans of that joke will have next week to look forward to and last week to look back on.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] To put it mildly, Erica's Sunday was in no way a fun day.

Geoff: Wasn't that such a delight?
Erica: Okay, I'm just gonna say it. I don't enjoy Sunday night at your parents'.
Geoff: Wha?
Erica: It's the same, exact thing every single week.
Geoff: Yeah, because it's tradition.
Erica: Geoff, we're married now. We can start a new tradition... Of never doing your parents' Sunday-night thing again.
Geoff: Never again?
Erica: Come on. We can snuggle up and order in. Oh, we can watch Jump Street.
Geoff: I mean, I guess I do enjoy Johnny Depp's whole undercover vibe. He carries a gun and a backpack.
Erica: There you go. You like what you like, and I like no more lame-ass Sundays.
Geoff: What?
Erica: Jump Street.

Brea: Any idea what the assembly's about?
Adam: Probably something about how only we can prevent forest fires. It feels like there has to be someone more responsible.

Beverly: [microphone feedback] Treasured students, distinguished faculty, Brea...
Brea: Hard not to feel singled out by that.
Beverly: ...as your Quaker Warden, we have laughed together, cried together, and grown together. But as all good things must come to an end, so, too, must this.
Mr. Glascott: Where is this going?
Beverly: Which is why the end of this academic year will mark the end of my tenure as your Quaker Warden.
Mr. Woodburn: Am I dreaming? I don't think I'm dreaming, 'cause I'm not naked.
Beverly: Sadly, Dale, it's not a dream. Hit it, kids.
Choir: [sings] # I guess I thought you'd be here forever # Another illusion I chose to create # You don't know what you've got # Until it's gone # And I found out # A little too late # Now, being without you # Takes a lot of getting used to # Should learn to live with it
Beverly: [sings] # But I don't want to #
Choir: [sings] # Being without you # Is all a big mistake # Instead of getting easier # It's the hardest thing to take # I'm addicted to you, babe #
Beverly: [crying and singing] # You're a hard habit to break # [light applause] [talks] I want to thank you all for giving me the opportunity to serve you, especially my partner in crime, Principal Earl Ball. Look at him smiling bravely over there. Stay strong, Earl.
Principal Ball: Will do.