Erica: Gah Mom! We're trying to watch a movie!
Beverly: And what better movie snack than my triple-cream beef stew?
Geoff: Oh, God. Please no. I have a major lactose intoler- Ooh, that is rich in dairy.

Pops: Okay, kiddos. Stop with your beep-boops and your lady-reading. Your cousin is gonna be here any minute.

Erica: How exactly are we related to this schmo, again?
Pops: You know my mom's great-aunt Rose?
Erica: Who?
Adam: No.
Barry: Already bored.
Pops: Well, Rose's sister Esther married Schmooly, they had two sons, Freddie and Ivan, who each married twin sisters.
Erica: So, he's not so much our cousin as he is a total stranger.
Pops: Family is family. Even if they're from the Old Country.
Adam: We live in modern times now. How is a country still old? How?

Pops: That's exactly why I brought him to visit, so you can get to know him and ask him questions about life back in Russia.
Barry: Wait, he's Russian?! That means he's been bred since birth in a KGB lab to destroy our wonderful democracy.
Pops: Sit down. He's not a spy, Barry. He comes from a tiny village that barely has running water. The floor of his home is dirt, for God's sake.
Erica: How does he know when he's done sweeping?
Pops: He never is.

Pops: Look, I think meeting Groiseh Gleb is just what you kids need to get a little perspective.
Erica: Wait, what's his name?
Pops: Gleb.
Erica: Are you saying Glen?
Pops: No, Gleb.
Adam: As in actress Glenn Close?
Pops: Gleb!
Adam: So, not Glenn Close.
Pops: We've got three Glebs in the family, which is confusing, so that's why everyone calls him Groiseh Gleb.
Adam: What's "groiseh" mean?
Pops: Groiseh means "big and plump." Trust me, you're gonna love Big Gleb. Of the three Glebs, he's the funniest Gleb.

Pops: There he is. How ya been, Gleb?!
Gleb: Fine.
Pops: You just flew in from Kiev. Boy, your arms must be tired.
Gleb: Yes. My whole body's very tired.
Erica: You think this Gleb came instead of funny Gleb?

Gleb: Is okay?
Pops: You're family. Our plums are your plums.
Gleb: Mmm. So juicy. Nothing like this back home.
Pops: And to think, you kids just take that plum for granted.

Barry: How long's this dude gonna be here?
Pops: Two weeks.
Erica: There's only so many fruits we can introduce him to.
Pops: We live in the birthplace of America. Show the man around. I'm gonna go get him a banana. He'll go crazy.

Beverly: Well, I have been very busy cooking and taste-testing, practicing my banter for the inevitable big city book signings.
Linda Schwartz: If you need any help with your book, I can slip you my chicken piccata recipe.
Virginia Kremp: I can help, too. Sometimes I think my peanut-butter blondies are the only thing my family respects about me.
Beverly: They are, and that's so generous, but this is it's a Beverly Goldberg cook.
Essie Karp: I swear to God, if you say the word "cookbook" one more time, I'm gonna stab myself with this tiny jam spreader!
Virginia Kremp: Me too! All you talk about is that gosh darn cookbook and how you're gonna be thick as thieves with Julia Child!
Beverly: All I'm saying is that sometimes you just know you're gonna be best friends with someone before you meet them, and that's obviously very threatening to the three of you.

Lainey: It really is not! It's just that when we all get together, all you do is talk about cooking.
Essie Karp: Or the Bevolution.
Virginia Kremp: Or you trying to be a lawyer.
Beverly: Wow. I was not prepared for that tsunami of jealousy coming at me right now. I'm sorry the rest of you don't have anything exciting going on in your lives.
Linda Schwartz: You know what? I think you should go.
Beverly: Go? It's my house! You go! Oh, but before you go, which one of these would look better on the front of my cookbook?