Previous Episode Next Episode 

34Quotes from ‘The Beverly Goldberg Cookbook’

The Goldbergs: The Beverly Goldberg Cookbook

618. The Beverly Goldberg Cookbook

Aired March 13, 2019

Adam refuses to be part of Beverly's "embarrassing" plan to host a public access cooking show. Meanwhile, Barry needs a college recommendation letter from a teacher.

Quote from Beverly

Pops: Aw, honey, what's wrong?
Beverly: Nothing. I'm just tearing up 'cause Julia's chopping an onion.
Pops: You do know that that onion is on TV, right?
Beverly: [voice breaking] Okay, fine! [sniffles] It's my cookbook. I sent it out to some publishers, and they said I was poop and that my cooking was poop and that my one and only dream is poop!
Pops: No one has just one dream, Bevy. I'm sure you got plenty of others.
Beverly: Well, like Barry becomes a doctor, Erica wins a Grammy, Adam gets a rare disease that prevents his snuggly little body from developing into a full adult man.
Pops: Bev, none of those dreams are about you, and one in particular is very troubling.
Beverly: Damn it, I know! Erica's never gonna win a Grammy!

Rate

Quote from Murray

Geoff: Bar, those letters were written about me. And they need to be sent in sealed so the admissions people know they're legit.
Barry: So, you're saying I'm going to actually have to ask a teacher to write nice stuff about me?
Erica: Ha! You're not going to college.
Murray: College-what? Who said college?
Matt: Whoa, where'd he come from?
Andy: For a big man, he moves like a phantom.
Murray: Because college is the only thing that matters to me. That and the thermostat.

Quote from Beverly

Adult Adam: [v.o.] The '80s marked the rise of the cooking show. There was Yan, The Galloping Gourmet, the Cajun cook, and of course, a Swedish Muppet. But my mom's lifelong hero was Julia Child. Julia's show, The French Chef, was the inspiration for our family's deliciously cheesy "French phase."
Beverly: For Erica, savory Quiche Lorraine. For Murray, melty cheese fondue.
Murray: It's like nachos without the hassle.
Beverly: And for my hungry bear, potatoes au gratin, extra gratin.
Barry: This is gonna wreck me. Thanks, Mom.

Quote from Beverly

Pops: Okay, I'm sure it's not as bad as ya think. Lemme see that letter.
Beverly: Take your pick.
Pops: "Dear Ms. Goldberg, your blending of fish and veal is both upsetting and against God's plan."
Beverly: [sobbing]

Quote from Barry

Barry: Seriously, you all have 'em?
Erica: Definitely to rub it in your face, but Geoff got 12 reccos.
Barry: Twelve? That's almost a baker's dozen! Gimme one. I'll just open it and change the name from Geoff to Big Tasty.

Quote from Barry

Barry: Okay, don't freak out and call me a moron, but I've apparently thus far failed to "obtain" a "recommendation letter" from a "teacher" at "school."
Murray: Stop with the quotes. My God, I raised a moron.
Barry: You have. "This is your fault."

Quote from Adam

Beverly: You know, at first, the rejection letters were devastating, but then I remembered that Julia didn't become famous 'til she was 50 and had her own cooking show! Huh? That's where you come in.
Adam: Or go out as fast as I can 'cause what you just said is horrifying.
Beverly: But this is so up your alley, Adam. You're always running around with a video camera.
Adam: Me? Nah, that's like the opposite of what I do.
Beverly: You got a camera in your hand right now.
Adam: Good eye! Good eye. Thing is, I was just about to put this in the garage 'cause making childish movies just doesn't appeal to me anymore.
Pops: Let's start filming, kiddo. This karate tortoise outfit is already making me schvitz.

Quote from Pops

Pops: Adam, I saw the rejection letters! It was too much! Just help the lady with her dream!
Adam: Even if I wanted to help, I don't run a TV station. I'm just a kid with a camera.
Pops: What about public access? They'll let anyone on there. I watch this one program where a lady answers tax questions in a bikini. Her information is definitely wrong, but I'm a loyal viewer.

Quote from Barry

Erica: Hey, my Caboodle!
Geoff: Erica's Caboodle!
Barry: Silence! In my hand, I hold a glowing recco from Dr. Katman.
Geoff: Oh, man, what a relief!
Barry: Yeah. Feels good to know I'm not gonna be a full-time drain on society like your miserable couch sloth of a girlfriend.
Erica: Excuse me?
Barry: You've worn sweats for six straight days. You get it.

Quote from Geoff

Adult Adam: [v.o.] And so, Barry broke the sacred code of the recco letter using a high-tech method he learned from watching Murder, She Wrote.
Geoff: Oh, crap! It worked!
Barry: "It is a great honor and privilege to give "Barry Goldberg my highest recommendation."
Geoff: Uh, Bar? The steam is making the ink run!
Barry: Don't panic! We'll just dry it off with the iron.
Geoff: Oh, no! The iron's intense heat is burning the paper!
Barry: Don't panic. I'll just spray it with water from this bottle.
Geoff: Oh, no! The charred remnants are soaked, and now the ink's running even more!
Barry: Don't panic! I'll just hit it with the iron again!
Geoff: Let me try to piece it back together!
Barry: Time to panic!
Geoff: Aah! Aah! The charred remnants are burning my hands!

Quote from Beverly

Pops: And action.
Adam: Hi, I'm Adam.
Beverly: [as Julia Child] Hello! I'm Beverly Goldberg. Welcome to The Goldberg Gourmet. Bon appetit!
Adam: And cut. Okay, I got some performance notes.
Beverly: [normal voice] Hit me.
Adam: So, you're a human person. So, you should talk like one.

Quote from Beverly

P;I think I know what's happening. Seems whenever I say "action," your mom panics and becomes Julia Child.
Beverly: Oh, don't be ridiculous! Here, I'll prove it. Say "action" and watch me cook.
Pops: Action.
Beverly: [as Julia Child]This lovely dish is made with saltwater prawns, Parmesan cheese, and butter because butter is better! I'm Julia Child!
Pops: Cut.
Beverly: [normal voice] Okay, maybe I am doing a little something.

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: And it doesn't matter to you that this might actually help sell my cookbook?
Adam: No! 'Cause my mom making a cookbook is also embarrassing, and so are your aprons and weird parm dishes and everything about you. It's pure embarrassment, and you have no idea what it feels like.
Beverly: Oh-ho, and you think I'm never embarrassed by you?
Adam: Um, no! I think you made it pretty clear you love everything that I do.
Beverly: So, you don't think I'm embarrassed when I have friends over, and you do one of your creepy shows with a ventriloquist dummy?
Adam: You bought us matching outfits!
Beverly: And you don't think I was embarrassed to watch a three-hour one-man show where you played an eclectic cast of international characters?
Adam: [Jamaican accent] You said my Jamaican accent was spot-on, mon!
Beverly: And you don't think I was embarrassed to run down to your school with an extra pair of pants because of the thing I promised never to speak about?
Adam: [gasps] Promise broken!
Beverly: Baby, you are ten thousand times more embarrassing than I will ever be, but it doesn't matter because I love you more than anything! Clearly, you don't feel the same way.

Quote from Barry

Dr. Katman: So, what's the important news? I'm excited.
Barry: You should be. Remember that letter you wrote me?
Dr. Katman: Of course. Your college recommendation letter.
Barry: Yeah, that's the one. Turns out, I read it against your wishes and destroyed it with fire and water. But you're gonna write me a new one 'cause you did say I'm your star student.
Dr. Katman: It doesn't feel like that anymore, pal. Wow, I'm like really mad right now.
Barry: I understand why you would be, but I'm very confused by your smile and cheery tone.
Dr. Katman: Well, let me clear it up. I'm really pissed, and I'm not gonna write [bleep] for you, because what you did was really [bleep] up.
Barry: But I still need a recco for college.
Dr. Katman: I'd ask another teacher, pal. I wish you all the best.
Barry: Uh-oh.
Dr. Katman: Yeah, uh-oh! You better go because I'm saying words that I never thought I would say to a child! [bleep] [bleep].

Quote from Barry

Miss Cinoman: You were stage crew for two days and dropped a chandelier on my head.
Barry: Thank you for your time.
[later:]
Barry: In order to save you time and energy, I've written the recommendation letter myself. If you could just sign it.
Coach Nick: "Barry Goldberg can squat a baby elephant "and bench 275 an unlimited number of times."
Barry: Uh-huh. Just right at the bottom there.
Coach Nick: Tell you what, if you can do one pull up, I'll sign this letter and walk it to the college myself.
Barry: [powders his hands, then:] Thank you for your time.

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: Oh, Lord. Oh, Lord in poop. You know what? You were right. This is not gonna help me sell my cookbook. All I'm gonna do is make a fool of myself.
Adam: Mom! Look at me. You're in my world now, the AV world. This is where I shine. So you just have to follow my lead, and I'll make you look good.
Beverly: Okay, I am so confused. You said-
Adam: I know what I said, and I was wrong. You've always been there to support me with your love and kindness and new pants. And now it's my turn to support you. So take my hand and let's go be on a TV station that legally has to let anyone on.
Beverly: Preheat that oven. It's parmin' time.

Quote from Barry

Dr. Katman: "To whom it may concern. Barry is fearless and has a boundless passion and enormous appetite for life. But what I admire most about my son is that no one has bigger dreams and more potential." Wow, your dad wrote this.
Barry: "I might be Barry's father, but he's the one who teaches me every day."
Dr. Katman: "The only thing he can't do is know how much I believe in him."

Quote from Murray

Erica: Wow, I can't believe Dad wrote such beautiful stuff about you.
Barry: Well, you know him. Anything for college.
Murray: College? What about college? What now?
Barry: Actually, I was just about to send out the recco I got from Doc, which he gave me today. So I won't be needing the one you wrote.
Murray: You weren't supposed to see that.
Barry: Well, I did. [Barry hugs Murray]
Murray: Fine, you can keep the stupid letter.
Barry: Forever.


 Episode 617 Episode 619 
  Select another episode