[As Beverly enters the teachers' lounge:]
Mr. Glascott: Cluck-cluck! Cluck-cluck! I'm sorry. I was supposed to be watching the door.
Beverly: I brought coffee. I noticed the machine was broken, like almost everything else in here.
Principal Ball: We get a lot of student break-ins.
Mr. Perott: They keep putting jelly in my coat pockets, so I'm thinking that might be a gang thing.
Beverly: Andrea, French Vanilla Cafe?
Andrea: A grown-up offering me coffee? I would be a fool to say no.
Principal Ball: Eh, eh, eh, eh. That coffee comes at a cost.
Beverly: Okay, I'm just gonna come right out and ask. Do you people have a problem with me because of my past as a pushy parent?
Mr. Glascott: Well, to put it gently...
Coach Nick: You're a damn monster! You haunt my dreams, and now you haunt my work!

Beverly: Listen, I get it. I was a tough cookie, but that was for my schmoopies. I'm one of you now. We can complain about kids together.
Mr. Glascott: Okay, well, I hear Adam's been struggling with math.
Beverly: You shut your [bleep] mouth! Ahhh! Old habits. Listen, why don't you all come to my house this weekend for some teacher bonding?
Coach Nick: No can do. Got jerky in the dehydrator.
Mr. Perott: I've got a quiet weekend reconnecting with an old friend. Me.
Andrea: And I have a date. It's my first in four years, so I'm super excited.
Beverly: Well, you don't anymore. Cancel it all. I'm Quaker Warden, and now this party is a mandatory friendship gathering.
Mr. Glascott: She can't do that, can she?
Principal Ball: Sadly, according to the ancient parchments, she can.
Beverly: Yay! We're forcibly gathering! Next stop, friendship!

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Soon, Geoff had his audition video...
Barry: Faster. Faster. Not masculine enough. Do push-ups.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] ...or Barry's idea of an audition video.
Geoff: Ow! Is this really necessary?
Barry: Silence! You're what every woman wants!
Adult Adam: [v.o.] But it wasn't. It really wasn't.

Geoff: What are you doing?
Erica: No one can see this!
Geoff: But that's my ticket to winning Mr. Ships Ahoy!
Erica: It's your ticket to humiliation!
Geoff: Erica, why won't you believe in me?
Erica: I do, but this isn't you. Geoff, you're sweet and reliable and don't whip things. You'll get crushed if you submit this.
Geoff: Damn it, you're right.
Erica: Okay. Whew.
Geoff: [grabs tape] Sorry, love you! Gotta prove I can do this! [runs out]

Beverly: Murray, would you hold hands with your sister?
Murray: Don't have a sister.
Beverly: But if you did.
Murray: Nah. We're not close.

Beverly: Anyway, they're coming, and I'm hours away from a workplace of best friends.
Adam: Or a massive fight with the people who are in charge of my grades.
Murray: Bevy, why are you trying so hard? I thought you wanted to become a teacher to get close to the boy?
Beverly: That's how it started, but Adam's not gonna be here forever. These people will, and they can help fill the child-shaped hole in my heart. [doorbell rings] My besties are here!

Beverly: You came! Oh. And all together, because the bonds are already growing.
Mr. Perott: We carpooled so no one would get here first.
Helen: And so we could pre-game. Right, my big hunk of yum?
Coach Nick: Ay!
Andrea: And I made cookies. I was gonna bring a bottle of wine, but do you know how many wines there are?
Mr. Perott: Welp, it was great catching up, so, uh...
Beverly: Wait a second. You just got here.
Mr. Perott: Yeah, but traffic. Appointment. Burst appendix. Any of these landing, or...
Beverly: Listen, I know we have a lot of ice to break, and I'm not gonna make you talk to me all day. I'm gonna make you race me.
Mr. Glascott: What in French-fry hell is this?
Beverly: Surprise! Field day's not just for students anymore!
Mr. Woodburn: Oh, no. The only thing I'm racing is to the door.
Beverly: Ah-bup-bup-bup-bup. As Quaker Warden, I do have the authority to grant the winner the day off.
Coach Nick: Damn it! You found my two weaknesses, my need to dominate and my desire to get paid for nothing.
Beverly: Let the games begin!

Adult Adam: [v.o.] And when it was over, the teachers had bonded about being in pain.
Beverly: Wasn't today the best?
Mr. Woodburn: You mean the worst! I separated my shoulder during that trust fall! Thanks a lot, Perott!
Mr. Perott: Usually people give some sort of verbal cue when they're falling backwards on their head.
Mr. Woodburn: Here's a verbal cue, suck it!
Mr. Glascott: You think you took a beating? I will never be able to get the grass stains out of these khakis!
Andrea: Can we go immediately to the hospital? My retina's not reattaching like you said it would.
Beverly: Give it time. Well, since we're wrapping up, looks like the winner is Coach Nick.
Coach Nick: It was inevitable, but still feels pretty special.
Helen: Meow.
Coach Nick: Stop!
Beverly: But all won the grand prize... a lifetime of friendship! [all groan] Wait, are you suggesting that after today's bonding experience, we are not a tight-knit group of coworkers like the barkeeps on Cheers? [all groan]

Adam: Just wanted to clarify I wasn't a part of this. See you Monday. Teachers are heroes and aren't paid enough.

Jean Jacobs: I'm here to announce our five finalists. Who are also the only five to send in tapes.
Barry: Yes! I did it! I won!
Geoff: Well, actually, you're just a finalist.
Barry: Yes! I'm just a finalist!