Geoff: Erica, it's totally normal to be nervous. I mean, I'm nervous. My cool new friends I met down at Baby World are nervous.
Erica: Is that why you were gone for seven hours yesterday? You were picking up strangers at a baby superstore?
Geoff: Okay, Lee and Deb are no longer strangers, and I learned so much... Feeding, changing, burping. It can all be so exciting and scary.

Adam: Amazing news, everyone... I am the man of the house.
Mr. Glascott: Ooh, I can't wait to hear what the sweaty one says about this.
Barry: Falsehoods and untruths!
Mr. Glascott: And away we go.
Barry: Adam is not the man of the house because I've already claimed that mantle with my words and deeds.
Adam: For sure, but do you have the official paperwork? Because I do.
Essie Karp: Oh, look, it's embossed for some reason.
Barry: This isn't valid. What sanctioning body okayed this?
Virginia Kremp: What's not okay is the anxiety I feel every time I come over here.
Barry: Can it, Ginzy. Possible men are talking.

Adam: And now that I've filed the proper paperwork, my first order of business as man of the house... Barry, clean the gutters!
Barry: [scoffs] What? It's the beginning of fall. Only a crazy person would expend the shoulder strength on such a fool's errand. I command you to do your homework.
Adam: It's pretty well established I'm a college dropout, dude. Now go get the ladder and your leaf-scooping gloves.
Mr. Glascott: Ooh. We got a classic man-off brewing in our midsts. It's utterly meaningless, but it beats hanging streamers.

Barry: Where's the ice? Where's the ice?! Ice, reveal yourself! Come on, Barry, think! All the times you came here and didn't buy ice. Where did you not go? Oh! Ice! Of course! Come on. Come on. Come on.
Grocery Store Worker: Yo, bro, you can't just get ice. Corporate counts our cups.
Barry: Where I'm going, I don't need cups.
Grocery Store Worker: What?
Barry: I don't know.

Ms. Maria: Welcome to Caring for Your Newborn, where you will learn the basics of life with your new baby.
Geoff: We're all suckling at your teat of knowledge. Sorry, bad start.

Geoff: I got Philadelphia 76ers nesting dolls at home, but I lost the bottom to Moses Malone.

Erica: Alright, well, I think I got it. I'm out.
Geoff: Wait, where are you going? We haven't even learned about nipple latching.
Beverly: It's tougher than you think, Erica. I couldn't get you off of me. When you were three weeks old, I wore you to a dinner party.
Geoff: What's her problem?
Beverly: [scoffs] I knew this would happen. I set too high a standard for being a mother.

Beverly: And another thing, you are gonna return that baby doll.
Erica: Nah, it's a little souvenir for the fun day I had. Time for night-night. [throws doll]
Geoff: Aah! It doesn't have the neck muscles for that yet!

Adult Adam: [v.o.] I had to fix the damage I did to Barry. Luckily, a TV superstar owed me a favor.
Adam: Mr. Hasselhoff.
David Hasselhoff: Oh, no. Now what?
Adam: You're desperately needed to resolve a small family issue.
David Hasselhoff: That's definitely something I should be involved in, but I'm on a plane back to LA in a few hours.
Adam: But you said, "I owe you one."
David Hasselhoff: "I owe you one" is an expression. It's not a binding agreement.
Adam: So David Hasselhoff's word is worthless? I wonder if John Tesh and Mary Hart would like to hear about that.
David Hasselhoff: Not the Entertainment Tonight hosts.
Adam: You could live up to your word.
David Hasselhoff: Just take me to your problem.
Adam: David Hasselhoff is happy to help!

Adam: [knocks on door] Hey, Bar, it's me. Open the door.
Barry: [o.s.] I don't want to talk to you.
Adam: I get it, but I have someone here you will want to talk to. It's your personal hero.
Barry: Is it Carl Weathers?
Adam: No.
Barry: Chuck Norris?
Adam: No.
Barry: Lou Ferrigno?
Adam: No.
Barry: Jean-Claude Van Damme?
Adam: No!
Barry: Tony Danza?
Adam: No! Just open the damn door! It's David Hasselhoff!
Barry: [opens door] [gasps] David Hasselhoff from Knight Rider? Is KITT here, too?
David Hasselhoff: I should be enough.