Barry: Dude, look at the laundry basket! Is that one of those impossible-to-fold sheets Mom was tricking us with?
Coach Mellor: You mean fitted? I've danced with a few.
Erica: They're perfect.
Barry: You folded them? How'd you find the corners?
Coach Mellor: You don't find the corners of the sheet. The corners find you.

Murray: Hey, morons. Let me get this straight. You two have officially decided to let your mom take care of you for the rest of your lives.
Barry: She seems very open to it.
Murray: Of course she is. How do you not see what she's doing after all this time?
Barry: Dude, do you think she gave us the impossible sheet on purpose?
Murray: Yes. She manipulates you into needing her week after week.
Erica: What are you talking about?
Murray: She made up a medical condition so she could have a sleepover with you in your dorm on your first night of college.
Erica: Well, that certainly is an example.

Coach Mellor: Well, you've come to the right efficiency apartment. My perpetual single-tude has given me an amazing array of domestic skills. Make yourselves at home in my living room/gym/sitting area/lanai. Brisket? I made that in my gentleman's Crock-Pot.
Geoff: So tender! It falls apart at fork's first touch. Also, how long are we gonna be here?

Erica: Oh, we just whipped up a little breakfast of toast, bacon, sausage, ham steak, freshly squeezed juice, and eggy in the hole.
Barry: I use a melon baller now.
Beverly: Why would you make eggy in the hole? I'm the one who makes eggy in the hole.
Erica: Not anymore. We eggy our own holes now.
Barry: Your reign of eggy-ing our holes is over, woman.
Erica: Dad told us all about your little plan to make us need you, but guess what? We learned stuff.
Barry: We can egg any hole, ball any melon, fold any sheet. Top or fitted.

Murray: Why are you here? Why are you eating my meats?

Coach Mellor: That's a moving cautionary tale, Goldfarb. You can sit out dodgeball for the whole week.

Erica: My jeans are completely bleached and not in the cool, acid-washed kind of way.
Other Erica: How much, like, bleach did you use?
Erica: I don't know, one? One bleach?
Other Erica: You realize you have, like, no basic life skills and it's gross.

Other Erica: It's like you don't know how to pick up after yourself or make a bed for yourself or feed yourself.
Erica: What? I prefer to eat out because I don't know how to cook ramen or boil a cow or whatever.
Other Erica: Look, we're friends and stuff, but if you don't learn how to take care of yourself, I'll talk to the RA and get you evicted or whatever.
Erica: You can't do that.
Other Erica: Oh, I can. Get it together, or you'll be living in the mature-students dorm.
Erica: I can't live with moms who are going back to school to get their lives on track.
Other Erica: You either learn fast, or your new roomie will be a divorce who takes pottery classes and listens to Yanni.
Erica: Not Yanni!
Other Erica: Yanni.

Beverly: Huge news, Murray. Erica's gonna come home every weekend so I can care for her needs.
Murray: That's ridiculous. She's got to learn how to take care of herself, not have you baby her.
Erica: No! Let her baby me, or I'll be rooming with someone's colorful aunt who's trying to reinvent herself, but she can't because it's too late.
Murray: Stop eating my meats. No babying, just teaching.

Pops: Oh, I got one. My supply ship got captured and I was taken prisoner.
Adam: Prisoner? Why didn't you lead with that?
Pops: I was building up to it.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] And I was hooked. Every tale Pops told was better than the last!
Pops: And we got all our instructions from London through a radio we had hidden in a coffee pot.
Adam: That does make sense.
Pops: I had to convince the colonel to let me form a jazz band, which would trigger an avalanche.
Adam: Unbelievable.
Pops: The chimpanzee had nowhere to go, so it only made sense he live with us in our barracks.
Adam: This is gonna be an awesome movie! The script is gonna write itself!
Pops: Go get 'em, Slugger. I'm just gonna jog the ol' memory.