Beverly: Murray, this is a big moment. I have never given my coupon pouch to another human person.
Murray: I don't need it. Look right here. Packaged pastrami, with this circular, two for one.
Beverly: And where'd you get that?
Murray: They were at the front of the store.
Beverly: Yeah, because the store circular is a sucker's play. My babies do not eat pastrami wrapped in deadly plastic.
Murray: Even better, they're practically giving away canned meats.

Murray: Whoo-hoo, I got myself a hobby!
Beverly: But you're picking all the wrong stuff. The point of couponing is to find savings on things you actually want.
Murray: And I want to save money. Look at this. They got canned bananas. You buy 5, you get 10 free.
Beverly: Bananas don't need cans. They're wrapped by God!

Erica: Geoff, what's all this?
Geoff: As you know, I wanted to do something really special for our first official date.
Erica: Yeah, we're going to Red Lobster.
Geoff: Thing is, I didn't realize we're smack in the middle of Crabfest, so they're booked solid.
Erica: Damn it. It's April already? Seems like just yesterday, it was Clamuary.

Beverly: That's enough. I'm going to my backup pouch.
Murray: Whoa, whoa, hang on. What's in your purse?
Beverly: Nothing.
Murray: Is that quilted three-ply premium toilet paper?
Beverly: Actually it's four-ply.
Murray: Four-ply? That's three plys too many!
Beverly: No one uses one-ply, Murray. No one. A person needs at least two plys.
Murray: What is this, "Falcon Crest"?

Murray: I've been a couponer long enough to know that you paid full price for this.
Beverly: I regret nothing. Your coarse single-ply is sandpapering our tushies. Poor Adam can barely walk.
Murray: Single-ply builds character.

Beverly: Hey, can we talk?
Murray: About what? I'm doing what you asked me to do. I'm sitting in my chair.
Beverly: Murray, the last thing I'd ever want to do is hurt your feelings.
Murray: Well, you were right. Look at me. I'm not the same man you married.
Beverly: No. You're better.
Murray: Look at me. I got hobbies. "Checking the thermostat, closing the windows, making sure the gas tank is full."
Beverly: And, of course, being a dad, being my husband.
Murray: Those aren't hobbies.
Beverly: Well, they're the only ones that matter to me.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] And so my dad went back to the hobbies he did best, like checking the thermostat.
[montage:]
Murray: Which one of you morons cranked the heat up to 55?
Adult Adam: [v.o.] Making sure the gas tank was full.
Murray: Look at the gas gauge! Look at it!
Adult Adam: [v.o.] Napping in his chair.
Murray: (snores)
Adult Adam: [v.o.] And yelling at us for sliding around in our socks.
Murray: Knock it off, you moron!

Adam: Whatcha doing?
Barry: Dude, look how awesome I am at this balloon.
Adam: Eh, I've seen better.
Barry: Better?! Let's see you handle the heat.
Adam: Ha! I'm so much better at the balloon than you.
Barry: Fine! First one to let it hit the ground gets their nurples purpled.
Adam: Game on, loser.
Barry: I'm coming at you with everything I've got.

Barry: We're too far in, Pops. There's no going back.
Adam: He's right. We're in too deep.
Pops: It's just a balloon.
Barry: Not anymore. This is our life now. You'll all come to accept it in due time.

Erica: There. It's over. It's a tie. Go back to your meaningless lives.
Barry: I'm free!
Adam: Thank you for saving us from ourselves.
[Adam and Barry hug]
Barry: Let go.
Adam: You let go first.
Barry: Never.
Pops: Is this another game? I don't understand a thing you two do.