Adult Adam: [v.o.] It was the first day of school, 1980-something. Barry and Erica were gone, and I was an upperclassman. Finally, it was my time to shine.
Adam: Aah!
Johnny Atkins: Yes! You just got owned by those recently oiled doors. Welcome to freshman year, Goldnerd.
Adam: Yeah, I'm not a freshman, Johnny. Probably just seems that way because you're a third-year senior. [Johnny punches Adam in the chest] Gah! What was that for?
Johnny Atkins: Johnny doesn't like to take inventory of his life's missteps.
Adam: I thought we became friends last year.
Johnny Atkins: New year. Everything resets, turd farmer.

Emmy: Adam, I think you know Brian McMahon?
Adam: You and Shy Bri?
Brian: 'Sup?
Emmy: That's his catch phrase.
Brian: 'Sup?
Adam: Seems like it's pretty much his only phrase. Anyway, maybe we can all hang out after school?
Dave Kim: Sorry, bro, we got group couples' plans.
Adam: Oh, balls! Everyone's in the throes of love except for me?
Brian: Uh-huh.
Adam: Okay, settle down, Shy Bri!
Emmy: Well, we should go. We're all gonna walk to class together as one even-numbered group.
Carla: He seems disappointed, as if this was the opposite of how he expected his day to go.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] Recently-graduated but-somehow-allowed-on-campus Carla was right. 10 minutes in, and this year was already sucking hard.

Mr. Woodburn: All right, listen up, people! Unless you also had a cat with a prolapsed anus that requires a special salve applied directly to the area, I promise you had a better summer than I. So, in the spirit of taking it out on you... Pop quiz!
Adult Adam: [v.o.] Just when it looked like the day couldn't get any worse, something crazy happened. In walked Dana Caldwell. I couldn't believe it. The girl next door was back... My first crush, the first girl I climbed a trellis for, and of course, first kiss.
Dana: Hi, Adam.
Adam: Dana, You're... Here?
Dana: My grandma passed away. There was nothing keeping us in Seattle, so...
Adam: Well, I guess your loss is my gain. But also... Sorry for your loss.
Mr. Woodburn: Hey, New Girl! They don't have first-day pop quizzes wherever the freak you come from? Sit down, shut up, and start guessing.

Larry: Uh, I think this is my room?
Barry: Who the hell are you?
Larry: Name's Larry, but most people call me Flavor Overdrive.
Barry: Well, bad news, Overdrive, I already picked this room.
Larry: Picked it? They were assigned. My form says 112.
Gary Silverberg: That's what mine says, too.
Barry: What? I don't have a f... Oh, no!

Barry: How dare you shatter my wildly self-destructive college dreams by not sending in my housing check?
Beverly: Uh, no, my volatile love monkey. I definitely sent it in.
Erica: [enters] Well, guess who doesn't have housing. Thanks a lot, Mom.
Geoff: Is here okay for all your unwieldy things, my love?
Erica: Upstairs in my room.
Geoff: On it, sweetie.

Adam: So, are you single?
Dana: Definitely. Yes. You?
Adam: Oh, big time.
Dana: Oh, thank God. I was so worried you were gonna be seeing someone.
Adam: You were?
Dana: Yeah, 'cause then I wouldn't be able to hang out with my one friend that I had here.
Adam: Oh...
Dana: I mean, it's so weird. Everyone looks familiar, but I don't really know anyone. Luckily, I have a friend like you.
Adam: Yup. I am a friend like me. Just put it there, pal.
Dana: Come on. We're closer friends than that. [hugs Adam] Oh. I'll see you after school.

Adam: Dana coming back is fate telling me that this year won't be a lonely suck-show.
Dave Kim: This is your time, man! But you gotta get in there quick. Look, jocks are swooping.
Adam: Oh, no! Those are varsity athletes! That's the high school equivalent of adult men!
Dave Kim: And in the case of Johnny Atkins, an actual adult man!

Dave Kim: Dude, if my relationship with Carla has taught me anything, it's that you've got to be decisive.
Adam: So, what do I do?
Dave Kim: Ask her to the Aloha Dance. It's the most important tropical welcome-back-to-school, Hawaiian-themed dance of them all.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] My former flame had returned! So, to win her heart, I turned to the biggest ladies' man I knew.
Adam: Pops, Dana Caldwell's back, and I gotta ask her to the Aloha Dance fast. But I feel like I need a game plan. Go.
Pops: Kiddo, why the urgency?
Adam: 'Cause meatheads are swooping!
Pops: Eh, let 'em swoop. Just ask her as a friend, then slowly over time, you'll get her back.
Adam: You know, my gut was telling me to take it slow.

Barry: Your gut is an idiot.
Adam: Gah!
Barry: You need to rush things with Dana. Rush 'em hard.
Pops: Barry, don't do the thing where you contradict my sensible advice.
Barry: Okay, Pops is out of his mind. You must go for it now.
Pops: And here we go.
Barry: Dana was your first crush. Do you know how rare it is to get a second chance at love?
Adam: Pretty rare?
Barry: It's literally never happened before.
Pops: Please, just listen to your gut.
Adam: But I can't hear it over Barry's loud, yet compelling advice.