Adam: Barry, no. Let's just focus on the gesture part of the grand, romantic gesture. Do you have any skills that might dazzle a lady?
Pop-Pop: I have Medicare. Is that a skill?
Adam: No. Let's just do what we always do, you stand outside her window holding a boombox over your head.
Pop-Pop: Box? No, that sounds expensive.
Barry: What about this thing? Maybe you can sell it, give her the money?
Pop-Pop: Oh, my accordion! Well, the ladies do go crazy over a guy who's got one of those strapped to his chest. [accordion wheezes]
Adam: Logic and judgment suggest there's no way that's true, but here we go.
Pop-Pop: I guess I can give the old girl some squeezes, a few tickles.
Barry: Please tell me you're talking about this thing, not Joyce.

Lou Schwartz: Are those creamy sweet peas?
Beverly: They're triple-creamy sweet peas. The secret? More cream.
Erica: This is too far, woman. Too far.
Murray: Speaking of too far, uh, could you put some sweet potatoes on my plate? It still has some white space.
Beverly: Linda, you still have real Thanksgiving tomorrow, so why don't we all just relax and fill our bellies to their physical limits?
Linda Schwartz: Lou!
Lou Schwartz: They've got triple the cream, Linda! I'm just a man!

Adult Adam: [v.o.] So in my mom's most normal sweater, Pop-Pop played "In Your Eyes" by Peter Gabriel, and he was good. He was really good.
Joyce: Ben, what are you doing here?
Pop-Pop: I'm winning you back with the squeeze-box. [sour note plays] Oh, crap.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] Until he wasn't.
Pop-Pop: I, uh, I can't be talking while I... [cat yowls]
Joyce: Ooh. My cat, he doesn't like... [sour notes playing]
Adam: Pop-Pop, stop.
Barry: It's like the moans of a ghost trapped in our world!
Pop-Pop: I can get back into it. I'm... I'm just off by one finger. [cat yowling]
Adam: Oh, no. Your cat got out.
Barry: I'll get it. I'm good with cats. We both have adventurous natures.

Pop-Pop: I'm sorry. I clearly can't play this thing. I mean, my hair is all slicked back and they got me in this bosomy lady's garment.
Joyce: Still, I-I appreciate the effort. It's nice.
Pop-Pop: Mm.
Joyce: You're nice.
Pop-Pop: No, I'm not. I just made up some things to impress you, and the truth is, as a father, I'm kind of a putz. I just thought if I got lucky, you'd never find out.
Joyce: Ben, I don't want you to be perfect. I just want you to be yourself.
Pop-Pop: Really?
Joyce: Really.
Pop-Pop: This might be a little late, but, uh, you wouldn't want to go to a Thanksgiving dinner now, would you?
Joyce: You know what? I would. Not every day somebody stands outside my door and serenades me. I'll get my purse.
Pop-Pop: And that, my boy, is why the accordion is the most romantic of all the instruments you wear.

Beverly: Maybe that can be our new tradition, huh? Pre-Thanksgiving at the Goldbergs'?
Adult Adam: [v.o.] Erica realized she had to do something to take down my mom, so she pulled out her biggest weapon.
Erica: Can you help me set the table, Mom?
Beverly: Or, fun thought, we skip the meal and just call it. Hey, yay - four-day weekend, everybody.
Erica: Oh, I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to Linda. Can you help me set the table, Mom? [Linda drops plate]
Mr. Glascott: I must be in my manic phase because I am giddy with anticipation.
Erica: That's right. Since we're becoming family, I wanted to honor her with the title of "Mom." Mmm. This feels right.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] That Thanksgiving, my mom and sister prepared for the most important, and maybe only, touch football game of their lives. Mom supremacy was on the line.
Beverly: All right, enough stretching. Let's do this.
Lou Schwartz: But I gotta keep these hammies warm if I'm gonna shake and bake. You know, my height and weight are exactly the same as Texas Oiler Earl Campbell.
Geoff: Dad, please. No one knows how to respond to that.

Erica: Okay, let's pick teams. I, of course, pick my mom.
Beverly: Yes. Thank you, sweetheart. I knew you... [Erica points to Linda] Damn it! You mean Linda, don't you?
Erica: Yep. And I'm gonna scoop up Joanne, too.
Beverly: So now I'm stuck with the Schwartz men? How is that fair?
Mr. Glascott: And I'll be the referee because the tension is palpable in the fall air.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] And so, there on the chilly ryegrass of the Schwartz backyard, warriors faced off. On one side, my mom, determined to reclaim her status as top mom. And on the other, my sister, ready to defend her mother-in-law at all costs. It was a game for the ages.

Erica: Linda, are you okay?
Linda Schwartz: I think so. My shin might be a little bruised. [gasps] That isn't my leg, is it?
Erica: What the hell, Mom?
Beverly: I was caught up in the game. I didn't mean to...
Erica: Wreck your best friend? All because you lost a stupid holiday.
[Linda groans as the others help her to walk off]
Mr. Glascott: This might be the wrong time to ask, is it "Linda" or "Lisa"?

Adult Adam: [v.o.] While my mom may have seriously injured Linda, Pop-Pop was trying to heal some old wounds.
Murray: There he is, Father of the Year.
Pop-Pop: Just listen for a second, clever guy. I shouldn't have lied. And yes, I wasn't the best dad.
Murray: Best? You're in the bottom three.
Pop-Pop: All right, get your licks in. I know I was a miserable schmuck, and that's why I thought I'd never have a lady in my life again. All right, I was lonely, okay?
Murray: I didn't know that. You could have told me.
Pop-Pop: How?
Murray: With words.
Pop-Pop: That's not my thing! Look, the point is, I would have done anything to keep her around.
Murray: Then why'd you drag her over here? You... You should have known we'd ruin your lies.
Pop-Pop: I don't know. Maybe I wanted to show you all off or something.
Murray: You want to watch the game?
Pop-Pop: Uh, together?
Murray: Yeah.
Pop-Pop: Oh, yeah.

Beverly: Is it okay if I sit?
Erica: Why, so you can steal Arbor Day or Cinco de Mayo or Lou and Linda's anniversary?
Beverly: Linda, I am so sorry. You're one of my dearest friends.
Linda Schwartz: And you are one of mine. That's why I thought it would be so sweet when our families merge.
Beverly: It can be. It will be. I'm just so scared I'm gonna lose my baby to you.
Linda Schwartz: I'm scared I'm gonna lose my baby to you.
Erica: How about that? Sounds like you have everything in common.
Beverly: I guess that makes us pretty lucky.
Erica: I'm the lucky one. I get two great moms. Are you going to be okay with me saying that?
Beverly: Never. But if it's gotta be someone, I'm glad it's Linda.