Will: Hey, Ma.
Vy: Boy, where do you get off dropping out of school?
Pete Fletcher: Mrs. Smith, if I may interject-
Vy: Who the hell are you?
Will: Mom, this is my boss. This is Mr. Fletcher.
Vy: Oh, so you're the snake that lured my boy from that fine institute of higher learning.
Pete Fletcher: Mrs. Smith, your son has a bright and productive future here at Mulholland Motors.
Vy: Oh, really? You ever been beat up by a woman?
Pete Fletcher: Not without having paid for it. Uh, Will, I'll be in my office hiding under the desk if you need me.

Will: There you are, Uncle Phil, 25 years younger, thousands of pounds thinner... cruising the strip at Princeton. Wind blowing through your big old fro. Honeys checking you out. They're saying: "Mmm. There go Philip Banks, he is a bad mamma jamma." They waving at you, Uncle Phil. Oh, go ahead, go ahead, wave back. It's okay, wave back. Go ahead.
Philip: Right on, sisters.
Carlton: Dad, did I mention that the all-new Accountant gets 75 miles to the gallon?
Philip: To hell with the Accountant, I want this.
Pete Fletcher: Excellent choice, Mr. Banks. Come on in the office, we'll crunch some numbers.
Philip: All right.
Carlton: Dad, Will just bamboozled you.
Philip: And that's the story we'll tell your mother. Thank you, Will.

Philip: Hmm. This fat-free cake isn't bad.
Geoffrey: Sir, that's a sponge.

Will: Well, I guess I'll start my homework now. I got a lot of studying to do if I expect to make the best of this wonderful opportunity to get my college education!
Philip: Will, your mother's not here. She went out to dinner with your Aunt Viv.
Will: Oh, she better had.
Philip: Will, I'm sorry we had to involve her in this but you really left us no choice. How in the world did she get the college to readmit you?
Will: She threatened to enroll herself.

Will: Now, look, Uncle Phil, we don't need nothing too fancy as long as it's got vibrating bucket seats, a refrigerated glove compartment and a license plate that say: [purrs]
Philip: Will, this car is for basic transportation, not your indulgences.
Carlton: That's right, big guy. We want something that emphasizes good sense over style and excitement.
Will: How about a '94 you?

Carlton: Ta-da! The all new Accountant BX. It has the latest technology in childproof door locks.
Will: Carlton, what are the honeys gonna say about a dude cruising around in one of these?
Carlton: They'll say, " Why, there goes a thrifty, level-headed young man."
Will: Yeah, right before they say, "And I'll never have sex with him."

Pete Fletcher: How about Saturdays?
Will: Saturdays? I tell you, throw a CD changer in my uncle's Evader, you got a deal.
Pete Fletcher: Done. How about Sundays?
Will: You gotta give me some wire wheels.
Pete Fletcher: Holidays?
Will: Got to give a brother cellular for that.

Will: Hil, you mind if I kick my sales rap on you? Pretend you're buying a car.
Hilary: No offense, Will, but I would never buy a car from you.
Will: Hil, we're pretending here. You're not my cousin, you're somebody else.
Hilary: Oh, I get it.
Will: Okay. Hi, I'm Will Smith.
Hilary: [Russian accent] And I'm the Baroness Natasha. I am on holiday in your country with my husband, the baron, and my lover... [puts arm around Geoffrey] Gustav.
Will: Okay, look, baroness, I was wondering if I could interest you in a sporty new Evader? It has a V6 dual overhead-
Hilary: Yes, of course, I take six. Gustav, pay the man. You take jewels, yes?

Philip: Isn't this great? Family fun and no Will. Your turn, son.
Hilary: Okay, to me.
Carlton: "You're in a store and you find $50 on the ground. Do you pick it up?"
Hilary: Of course not. Geoffrey picks it up.

Will: Hey, hey, hey. Yo, I tore up that sales chart today.
Philip: Well, congratulations, Will. If you find something that excites you, hold on to it.
Geoffrey: That's what gets me through the day.