Philip: Excuse me. Is this what you've been telling my boy?
Will: What?
Philip: That life is one big orgy.
Will: [high-pitched] I never said-
Philip: College is hard work, son. Followed by a family, which is even more hard work. And a teenage daughter who doesn't wanna be seen with you in public. And a wife, a wife who won't let you anywhere near her. And a butler, a butler who may be the father of your child. And a gardener, a gardener-
Carlton: Dad! Dad!

Vivian: Oh, Philip, you all right? You look like you're in shock.
Philip: Shock? Oh, no, it figures.
Hilary: Oh, here's the best part. I asked Trevor to officially propose to me during his Slice of L.A. segment on tomorrow's news. That way, all of Los Angeles can share in our happiness. [Hilary empties a vase and throws the bouquet back, which Carlton catches]
Philip: Hilary, sweetheart I think there may be a question that you should ask yourself.
Hilary: I already did. I'm going to register at Tiffany's.
Philip: No, no, sweetheart. Are you in love with Trevor?
Hilary: What's love got to do with it? I'm having a wedding.

Vivian: Will, honey, you and Carlton will look out for each other, won't you?
Will: Come on, absolutely, Aunt Viv. We got each other's back.
Vivian: Great, great, great. You two just be careful. There are a lot of sick, demented perverts out there.
Jazz: [enters] Greetings, all.
Vivian: Hello, Jazz.

Philip: I'll have my breakfast in the family room, Geoffrey.
Geoffrey: I'll get the wheelbarrow, sir.

Philip: What's your name, son?
Boy: [hands over a card] This.
Philip: This is a stick with a snake wrapped around it.
Boy: It's a symbol, like Prince.
Philip: Prince who?
Boy: See, that's exactly why fathers ain't allowed at the mall.
[Philip picks up a pen and draws on the card]
Boy: What's this thing?
Philip: It's a symbol for [shouts] "get out of my house!"
Ashley: Daddy, I love him!
Geoffrey: Keep it up, sir and I'll be all you have left.

Vivian: Philip, did you get too close?
Philip: I don't know, Vivian, is four feet too close?
Vivian: Nicky, honey, Daddy won't hurt you.
Philip: What is about me that baby doesn't like? Is it my beard? Because if it is, I'll shave it off right now.
Vivian: Don't you dare. I love the way that beard feels.
Philip: Hmm. I'm surprised you remember.
Vivian: Sweetheart, it hasn't been that long since we've made love, has it?
Geoffrey: Five months this Tuesday. Thin walls.
Vivian: I'm sorry, honey. I'll make it better, I promise.
Philip: I hope so. There are priests laughing at me.

Will: D.J. Nicky, Nicky, Nicky. Nick in the house. Get up. Oh, man. Aunt Viv, this kid is sprouting. Hey, you know, another month, he'll be bigger than Carlton.
Vivian: I cannot believe that you and Carlton are moving into your own place. Seems like just yesterday when I was wiping the tears from his eyes.
Will: No, no, that was yesterday. I told you that boy wasn't ready for Jurassic Park yet.

Vivian: Here, Will. Thank you, Jazz, very much. It's a baby pillow. Isn't it beautiful.
Will: Oh, yeah. Jazz, this thing says "Wendy Beth" on it.
Jazz: So? When you buy a wallet, doesn't it have someone else's picture in it first?
Will: Jazz, you stole this pillow.
Jazz: It's the thought that counts.
[Will throws Jazz out of the house, followed by the pillow]

Carlton: Kendrick Petroleum up three and an eighth. What did I tell you?
Philip: You called it, son. Vectrocomp Industries down third day in a row.
Carlton: The merger killed them.
Philip: Yeah. Good thing we got out when we did, huh? I'm gonna miss you, son.
Carlton: Did you say something, Dad?
Philip: I don't want you to move out.
Carlton: Sorry, Dad, I have to go.
Philip: No, you don't.
Carlton: Will says I do. He says it's time for me to leave the nest, become independent and have sex with girls. Safe sex, mind you, but lots of it.

Carlton: Hey, Will. Will, I can't bear to see him like this.
Philip: That's why we moving, so we don't have to.
Carlton: Well, look at him. He needs me.
Philip: No, I don't. I don't need either one of you. There is a silver lining in my dark cloud. Hilary.
Will: I'm sorry, Hilary Banks?
Philip: You know, fate works in mysterious ways. For years, I've been trying to get her to move out of the house and now when I'm gonna be alone, she is my salvation. So you two, you two go on with your little lives. My Hilary needs me.
Hilary: Okay, everybody, guess what. Okay, I can see you're stumped. I'm getting married. To Trevor.