Will: Hey, Uncle Phil. I need to talk to you about Ernest.
Philip: Oh, okay.
Will: He asked me to deliver this to Councilman Braddock.
Philip: Well... Oh, my God.
Will: I know, it flipped me too.
Philip: Councilman Braddock is a Tony Orlando and Dawn fan. He should be run out of office. Will, what is the problem?
Will: Oh, my... Carlton!

Carlton: Oy. I brought all this babe bait for nothing. [the suitcase full of cash pops open]
Hilary: Well, just because we're related doesn't mean we can't have dinner.

Will: Now, I gotta go show this to Uncle Phil. Uh... One more thing, y'all two dating?

Philip: Where the hell have you been? Ernest just called and he was very upset. You were supposed to make a very important delivery.
Will: Yeah, I got it right here, Uncle-
Philip: Yeah, right here is not where it's supposed to be.
Will: All right, look, Uncle Phil, first of all, I'm quitting that job. Let me tell you, man, this dude, he-
Philip: Hey, hold on, hold on, you're quitting? After just three days? I can't believe this.
Will: Uncle Phil, if you would just listen-
Philip: No, no, you listen. This is not just another one of your little screw-ups, Will. You're jeopardizing my friendship with Ernest.
Will: Right, but Uncle Phil, what I'm trying to say to you-
Philip: No, no, listen to me, okay? Look, I don't have a lot of close friends. So if you're gonna quit this job, I wanna know why.
Will: All right, Uncle Phil, I'd rather not say. I'm sorry.
Philip: Sorry doesn't even begin to describe you.

Ernie: Hey, Phillip. Am I interrupting something?
Philip: No, nothing you don't already know. I'm just having a little discussion with Will about this situation.
Ernie: Oh, well, look, now, let's not overreact. Okay?
Philip: No, look, as far as I'm concerned, there's no excuse. I think some kind of disciplinary action is in order.
Ernie: Hey, lighten up. It was only $20,000 in there. These days that's hardly enough to even be considered a bribe.
Philip: Excuse me?
Ernie: Oh, look, look. If it's your nephew you're worried about, forget it. It's not like he delivered it.
Will: Yeah, that's right. And your bonus is in there, and the keys to your little filthy Porsche. And if my drawers wasn't so dirty, I'd snatch this suit off and give it back to you too.
Philip: I can't believe what I'm hearing. What are you doing, Ernie?
Will: Hey, I tell you what the brother's doing. [off Uncle Phil's look] I'll tell you later. I'll just write it down.

Ernie: Oh, now, come on, Moose. Now, you know the way of the world. You can't name me one man who's become a success without bending the law.
Philip: Oh, yes, I can. Me. Until now. Now, you take this and get out of my house.
Ernie: Hey, even if he would have gotten caught, it wouldn't have been that bad.
Philip: Oh, yes, it would have been that bad... for you. Now, get out.
Ernie: You were always so damn naive.
Will: That's right. You best to press off or you'll get straight molly whopped up in here. I should have wrote that one down too, right?