Will: Look, I'm sorry, Uncle Phil.
Philip: No, no, Will, I apologize to you.
Will: Yeah, I know that was your boy and everything, man. Hey, listen, I know exactly how you feel. It's just like when I found out that Kermit the Frog was just a piece of green felt with somebody's hand up his butt.
Philip: Something like that, son.

Carlton: Will, please, to get a job like this you have to be highly skilled in my particular area of expertise.
Will: What, sucking up?
Carlton: Exactly.

Will: Hey, G, where's Uncle Phil?
Geoffrey: Follow the Ding Dong debris.

Carlton: Carlton Banks, sir. I hear you have a job opening and I'm a 3.8 student.
Will: Actually, sir, he's being a little modest. Carlton, come on, he's at least 4 feet.

Carlton: Brown Sugar, here I come.
Geoffrey: Why, what have we here?
Carlton: It's 1995, Geoffrey. When a fella goes on a date, he better carry protection. Sani-Seat. Oh, and I'm also bringing my secret weapon. That's right, Tony Orlando with Dawn.

Carlton: Hilary?
Hilary: Carlton, what are you doing here?
Carlton: I'm meeting my date. Wait a minute, what are you doing here?
Hilary: I'm meeting my date. What a small world. Now, get away. Hershey's Kiss should be here any minute.
Carlton: Hershey's Kiss? Oh, for crying out loud, Hilary, I'm Hershey's Kiss.
Hilary: You too? Well, what are the odds?
Carlton: Hilary, work with me here. I'm Hershey's Kiss, you're Brown Sugar, we're here to date each other.
Hilary: What are you saying?
Carlton: I'm dating my own sister! [everyone in the restaurant stares] ...is my favorite country Western song.

Will: Hey, hey, what's up, y'all?
Geoffrey: Master Carlton's trying to get a date with his computer.
Will: Oh, damn, what happened, man, the toaster turn you down?
Carlton: Har-dee-har-har. This romance chat line on the Internet happens to be a great way to meet babes. Look, I think the handle I've picked is pretty nifty.
Will: Loser Boy. Well, honesty is one way to go.
Carlton: Will, that's a typo. I'm Lover Boy.
Will: And I guess lying is the other way to go. No, I can come up with a better one. Ah! How about this one? Hershey's Kiss. Huh? Because you're little you're chocolate and you're rich. And then your head come to this stupid little point and, you know...

Hilary: Geoffrey, I am so excited. Will put a personal ad on the Internet for me and I already got a response. Listen to this: "Hershey's Kiss would like to get together with Brown Sugar" - that's me - "for a Nestlé's quickie." [giggles]
Geoffrey: You're going out with Hershey's Kiss? [laughs]
Hilary: What's so funny?
Geoffrey: Miss Hilary, remember when you caught me in the potting shed with Sabrina, the tennis tutor?
Hilary: Oh, I certainly do. And Daddy was so mad when I told him.
Geoffrey: Yes, remember I said I'd get you back?
Hilary: Yeah.
Geoffrey: [stops laughing] We're even.

Philip: Oh, so Ernest sent these?
Will: Yes, Ernest did. I love Ernest. Ernest is God. Who the hell is Ernest?
Philip: Well, he's the president of Pro Kicks. Well, he's opening an office here in L.A. Oh, man, it's gonna be great seeing him again. Well, him and I go way back. He's the reason that I pledged Pi Nu.
Will: Uh... Excuse me for a second, sir. Um... The name of your fraternity was Pi Nu? So that made you what, a pie man?
Philip: Yes.
Will: Oh. So, you know, you probably hung out with the sorority girls from Beta Crocker.

Carlton: Geoffrey, tonight's the night I meet Brown Sugar, my sweet soul sister.
Geoffrey: Well, you're half right.
[laughs] Master Carlton, there is something you should know before you go out on your date.
Carlton: Oh, please, you're giving me advice about a date. The last time you had a date, Dad had a Jheri curl. What could you possibly have to tell me?
Geoffrey: Have a lovely time.