Will: I'm alive! I'm alive! I swear, God as my witness I will be in church first thing Sunday morning. Oh, wait, Sunday's bad. [rustling] Oh. Okay, I'll cancel, I'll cancel.

Will: What are you doing?
Carlton: Making a mental note of where it is in case we get out of here, which we won't.
Will: What are you talking about?
Carlton: It's a 40-foot drop to that slope.
Will: Well, we ain't going that way. I'm climbing back up to the road.
Carlton: Will, that's sheer ice. Happen not gonna.
Will: Back in Philly, they used to call me Spider-Man. [slips] That was just one of my nicknames.

Carlton: It's too dark to signal with that mirror, Will, you might as well put it down.
Will: I've been trying to for, like, a half hour.
Carlton: Will, I want you to eat me. If I die first. You can stay alive by using my body for nourishment. Incidentally, the buttocks has the most meat.
Will: God, I hope I go first.

Will: Ouch. God, man, my fingers are getting all numb.
Carlton: That's how it starts. First numbness, then the sensation of needles on skin, and then finally, right before death, violent spasms as your blood freezes and your heart locks up.
Carlton: No more Discovery Channel for you, man.

Carlton: You know, Will? I don't have any friends.
Will: What are you talking about, Carlton? You got plenty of friends, man.
Carlton: You think people are your friends, but they're only that because of what you can do for them. Except you, Will. I don't do anything for you. Even when you make fun of me, I know you're doing it out of love. You haven't been doing that as much lately.
Will: What are you talking about, Carlton? I just called you Thumbelina this morning.
Carlton: Yeah, but your heart wasn't in it.
Will: Look, Carlton, let me tell you something, man. Lisa, that's my girlfriend and we're gonna be together, man. But that doesn't change the fact that you're my best friend. Stumpy.
Carlton: I'd cry, but my tear ducts are frozen.

Vivian: Sweetheart, in honor of your new house we've put together a little photo album for you.
Hilary: Oh. Naugahyde. Wow. You really went all out.
Philip: Ha-ha-ha. Just look at the pictures.
Hilary: Oh, look, here I am at Camp Gucciwanka. Ha.
Lisa: Camp Gucciwanka?
Will: Oh, yeah, that's Apache for "over-privileged."
Nicky: I drew a picture of the family, and that's you with the diamond.
Hilary: Oh. I'm gonna miss you all so much. Will, you take good care of that little lady. And, Carlton, you stay just who you are, I mean that. And, Daddy, don't worry, I still have duplicates of all your credit cards. Goodbye, little house. Goodbye, little yard. Oh, goodbye, little lamp. No, I could use this. [cries]

Philip: Did you forget something, sweetheart?
Hilary: Um, not something, someone. [Hilary signals to Geoffrey]
Geoffrey: I hate my life.

Carlton: This weekend is our yearly bros-in-the-snow getaway. Come on, Will. We've gone on these trips the last four years running. I live for this weekend.
Will: Okay, Carlton, I am sorry. I forgot. All right? I'll go. Just go upstairs and wax your skis or your legs or whatever you wax.
Carlton: All right, I'll forgive you this time. Oh, this is going to be grand.

Will: [on the phone] Hey, Lisa.
Lisa: Hey, sweetie.
Will: Uh... Listen, babe, um, about our date this weekend...
Lisa: Oh, Will, you know what, I just found out that I have to work.
Will: Oh, darn. Uh, I guess I'll just have to go on an annual ski weekend to Mammoth with Carlton.
Lisa: Well, good, because when you're not busy, you know you get yourself into trouble. [both laugh]
Will: All right, baby. It's a shame you can't come with us.
Lisa: Yeah, I wish I could. Well, wear your long johns.
Will: [high-pitched voice] Yes, dear. [normal voice] Hey, I love you, baby.
Lisa: I love you, too.
Will: All right.
Lisa: Bye-bye. Bye-bye.
Geoffrey: [clucks]

Angie: Hi. Nice parka. Down?
Carlton: Uh, no, it's a poly blend.
Angie: Mine's alpaca. I'm Angie Cobb.
Carlton: Look, Miss Cobb, I know what you're up to and I'm not interested. You have eyes, take a look, I'm with him. This is our special weekend.
Angie: Oh. Well, good for you. Good for the both of you.
Will: Wait a minute, baby. I don't even know this guy.