Philip: Come on. Let's celebrate. It's not every day that Will does something right. Luther's a good worker. Good thing he worked out, or I'd have to take it out of your hide.
Will: And that would be nasty, wouldn't it?
Philip: Ooh. Come on, boys. Let's go.

Carlton: Oh, I knew it. I told you we shouldn't have left Luther here.
Ashley: Luther did this? Will, dad is going to kill you.
Will: Me? W-why? No, he's not. I mean, first of all, we don't even know that Luther did this. And second of all, Uncle Phil's a fair man. He can't blame me for none of this.
Philip: Will, I'll kill you!
Will: Look, Uncle Phil, this ain't my fault, man.
Philip: I don't believe this. "Why don't you give him a job, Uncle Phil? Huh? Huh? I got a good feeling about him, Uncle Phil."
Will: L- Look, Uncle Phil, I'm telling you there- there's probably a perfectly good explanation for all of this.
Philip: Like what?
Will: Whew. Maybe Luther took all our stuff to get it scotch guarded. It could happen.
Philip: Oh, shut up! Any idiot could see he's guilty. I'm calling the police.

Ashley: [gasps] My Tevin Campbell posters! If he touched them, I'll hunt him down like a dog!

Will: Wait, wait, alright, wait, wait a minute. Come on, l-let's just calm down here. I mean, come on. I mean, what did we lose for real? Just, a bunch of things. We're all healthy. Huh? We're all safe. Huh? Where the video games? Wh- Where are my video... Oh, oh, aah! Alright, I can't breathe. I can't...

Philip: You mean to tell me that Luther stole your Willie Mays and you didn't tell me about it?
Will: I-I didn't really know, Uncle Phil. Hey, but, if we want to be serious about this, this is all your fault.
Philip: Excuse me?
Will: Well, if you had let me go to the beach then none of this would have never happened.
Philip: Will, I will give you to the count of ten to get out of my sight. Nine...
Will: Luther get on my nerves. Steal my stuff. Now I get in trouble. I wish that punk was in here right now, boy, 'cause I'd... scream like a girl. Uncle Phil, Luther's in the house!
Luther: Yeah, you right. Dig me with my bad self, huh?

Philip: What the hell are you doing here? Let me warn you, Luther. I've called the police. You've got a lot of damn nerve coming back here after you robbed us.
Luther: What are you talking about?
Carlton: [o.s.] Oh, please! Yeah, if this wall weren't in my way, mister, you'd be plenty sorry.

Philip: Come on in, officer. Thank you.
Carlton: Thank God you got here when you did. I was about to turn this sucker out.

Will: Officer, I want you to arrest this man. He stole my baseball and some other stuff.
Police Officer: I can't do that, sir.
Philip: Why not?
Police Officer: We already arrested the perpetrator. Yes. His name is Edward Haskell. Claims to be your law clerk.
Philip: Edward? Officer, there must be some kind of mistake.
Police Officer: Oh, I'm afraid not, sir. See, we saw his U-Haul double-parked. Upon suggesting he move the vehicle, suspect broke down and confessed to cleaning you out, sir.
Philip: Why would he want to rob me?
Police Officer: Well, according to him, he's sick and tired of getting you bagels. It's not his job to iron your robes. And he said you unfairly accused him of calling 1-900-horny.
Carlton: The man is obviously a deviant.
Philip: Well, thank you, officer. And I'll meet you down at the station to make a positive ID.

Will: Ha-ha! Luther... Uh, uh, uh, uh. Luther, we're sorry. We were wrong.
Luther: Tell me about it.
Philip: Luther, we're sorry. Someone in my position should be a better judge of character. I'd like for you to continue to work for us though.
Luther: Well, after working in this house, jail won't be so bad. See ya. [exits]
Philip: Well, I trust we all learned something from this.
Will: Yeah. Don't work for you.

Carlton: Well, we weren't completely wrong about Luther.
Ashley: Yes, we were. He didn't touch my Tevin Campbell posters.
Carlton: Yeah, but he took Will's baseball.
Ashley: You mean the one in the plastic case? I borrowed it for batting practice.
Will: Where is it, Ashley? That thing is worth a lot of money!
Ashley: Really? Didn't look like it. Somebody wrote all over it. But don't worry. I cleaned it off for you.
Will: Where are those damn Tevin Campbell posters?
Ashley: No! No!
[instrumental music]