Will: G, hurry up with that water, man. [drinks] That's it. [slaps Carlton] Carlton, wake up. Now, come on, man. Congratulations, man. He's a boy. [Carlton sloops in Will's arms]

Cindy: Look, I didn't mean to cause any trouble.
Philip: Sweetheart, you show up here with a baby that you say is my son's and you didn't mean to cause any trouble. Where do you think you are, Fantasy Island?
Carlton: Watch out how you talk to the mother of my son. [off Philip's look] Sir.

Cindy: He is Carlton's baby.
Philip: I'll believe that when I see a blood test.
Cindy: It's the truth, whether you want to believe it or not. I love Carlton.
Carlton: Really?
Cindy: Yes. And I'll tell you something else. Carlton is the most incredible lover I have ever had.
Philip: Oh, God.
Cindy: I mean, he's so in tune with my needs. It was amazing, and endless, and magnificent. I think I saw God.
[Will, Hilary, Ashley and Geoffrey fall through the patio doors]
Geoffrey: The windows.
Ashley: I'm sorry.
Will: I fell. I fell. I fell.
Hilary: We didn't mean to...

Philip: Give me the phone, Will. This time Cindy's parents are going to talk to me.
Vivian: Philip, honey, just be calm. Now, I'm sure they're lovely people. Just because they let their daughter run wild and take advantage of our only son and flush his life down the toilet... Give me the damn phone, Philip.

Carlton: Isn't she something?
Philip: Yeah, she sure is and Monday, after the blood test proves the baby's not yours she'll be out of here on the first thing smoking.
Carlton: Dad, the baby's mine.
Vivian: Carlton, honey, suppose the baby is yours. Now, being a teenage parent is a very big responsibility, honey and you have already proven yourself irresponsible otherwise, you wouldn't be in this situation. How are you going to feed this baby? Where are you going to live? How are you going to educate it?
Carlton: Wait a minute. You mean, you're not going to take care of us?
Vivian: Hold me back, Philip.
Will: Carlton, get out. Get out, now. Go. [holding a banana] Hey, I got him, but take another step, and I'll fill you full of potassium.

Geoffrey: Ah, Master William, might I see you for a moment?
Will: Yeah, sure. What's up, G?
Geoffrey: Well, it's such a beautiful night. I thought you might like to see the moon.
[Carlton is struggling to climb down a chain of towels he hung out the windows]
Geoffrey: Go easy on the poor little pinhead.
Will: Are you climbing down Rapunzel's extensions?
Carlton: I don't want Mom and Dad to know.
Will: To know what?
Carlton: Cindy and I are driving to Lompoc.
Will: No, Carlton, nobody drives to Lompoc. You drive through Lompoc.

Will: Hey, y'all.
Vivian: Hey, freeze!
Philip: Just where have you been?
Will: Uh, to the refrigerator.
Philip: At this hour? It's 8:00.
Vivian: Philip, look at us. We are really overreacting.
Philip: This is Will. There's no such thing as overreacting. Frisk him.
Will: Whoa. Look, Adolph, Eva, why don't you all relax for a second.

Minister: And if there's anyone here who feels this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, let them speak now or forever hold their peace.
Will: [enters] Stop, man, don't do it! You don't even know if the baby is yours!
Woman: How did you know I'm having a baby?
Man: What? You having a baby?
Will: Oh, yo, hey, look, my fault. You all, see, my cousin was supposed... Hey, congratulations, man. So you're having his baby? What a wonderful way to say how much I love you, huh?

Carlton: You're too late, Will.
Will: Oh, man, you did it? Tell me you didn't do it. God, please tell me you didn't marry her.
Carlton: I didn't marry her.
Will: Yes. You the man.
Carlton: She left me. I got the feeling she didn't want to live with me.
Will: What made you think that?
Carlton: She said she didn't want to live with me.

Carlton: Will, I feel so unused. I mean, promise me you won't tell anyone.
Will: Hey, Carlton, come on, man, you ain't got nothing to be ashamed of. I mean, everybody talks about how much pressure there is on girls to have sex. I mean, there's pressure on us, too. That's why we lie about it.
Carlton: You lie about it? You mean you're a virgin, too?
Will: Ssh. Keep your voice down, man. [loudly] I ain't no virgin! Sorry. Hey, look, man, when it comes to me and the honeys, I just say... [sees the minister] No way. Yucky.