Vivian: Cindy.
Cindy: Mr. And Mrs. Banks.
Vivian: Hi, sweetheart. How long has it been?
Will: Well, I'd take a shot in the dark and say around nine months.

Will: [on the phone] Hey, Mom, guess who? No, it's Will. Will Smith. Hey, yo, Mom, check it out. It is some drama cutting loose out here. No, I'm not in trouble, but, no, check it out. Somebody we know is a grandma. No, no, not you, Mom. Mom. No, Mom. Mom, stop crying. Stop crying. Mom, no, it's not me. It's... Carlton is the father. Stop laughing, Mom. [Uncle Phil walks in] Yeah, that will be a large pepperoni with extra cheese. Right. I love you. [hangs up] Oh, that makes them bring it faster.

Philip: [on the phone] Yes, hello. Yeah, don't you dare try to hang up on me. What kind of lowlifes are you throwing a minor out onto the street and endangering a helpless infant? Well, I'm going to do everything I can to see you behind bars. And what do you have to say for yourself? Uh... So when will your mommy and daddy be home?

Carlton: Here we come, ready or not. Super, huh? Look, matching hats. I never knew having a family could be so neat. I love you.
Cindy: I love you, too.
Will: All right, whoa. I'd like to take this opportunity to bring it to everyone's attention that Uncle Phil's head is about to explode and, for once, it ain't my fault.
Cindy: Well, I think it's time for little Carlton's nap.
Will: Yeah, it smells like you needs to be changed, too.

Carlton: We're eloping.
Will: What?
Carlton: No, Will, I don't want to hear it. I'm tired of everyone telling me what to do. I love Cindy, and I've made up my mind.
Will: All right, man, fine. Look, whatever you want to do is fine with me.
Carlton: [covering ears] What?
Will: I said, whatever you want to do is fine with me. If you want to marry Cindy, go ahead. Just do me a favor.
Sleep on it tonight. In the morning, if you feel the same way then, whatever you want to do. Deal?
Carlton: Deal.
Will: My man. Oh, give me your car keys.
Carlton: You know, Will, I gave you my word. I'd think that'd be enough.
Will: Yeah, you lucky I ain't going to do you like Kunta Kinte and chop off your foot.

Philip: Geoffrey, where's Carlton?
Geoffrey: I'm sorry, sir, but he's not in his room but the trip wasn't a total loss. I found $1.25 under his bed. Who knew Christmas would come twice this year?
Vivian: Geoffrey, did you check Cindy's room?
Geoffrey: [scoffs] The girl hasn't a penny to her name.

Philip: Will, where's Carlton?
Will: Oh, I don't know, Uncle Phil. Did you check the cracks in the couch?
Philip: Will, you know something?
Will: Come on, Uncle Phil, does this look like the face of a dude that knows something?
Philip: He's got a point there, Vivian.
Vivian: Well, maybe we should call Carlton's friends.
Philip: That's a good idea. I'll call one, you call the other.

Cindy: Carlton, I hope you don't feel like I pressured you into this. I mean, you are glad we're getting married, right?
Carlton: Glad? Cindy, I've been in love with you ever since the third grade. I mean, I used to go to sleep at night and dream about the day we'd be married.
Cindy: Do you really mean that, Carlton?
Carlton: Yes. We're going to have such a wonderful life. I mean, we'll have to live in a trailer at first but I'll get a job during the days, and I'll work nights, too as soon as I lick that pesky fear of the dark thing.
Cindy: Well, you know, Carlton, I was thinking that I would get a job, too.
Carlton: Oh, don't worry about it. No wife of mine is going to have to work. I mean, you can stay home and take care of the kids.
Cindy: Exactly how many kids?
Carlton: Well, you know what they say, eight is enough.

Carlton: Well, how do I look?
Will: Whoa, man. Hey, you know that model in all them Hugo Boss ads?
Carlton: Yeah.
Will: You don't look nothing like him.
Carlton: You're just jealous because the love of my life has returned. In Cindy, I have found the woman I'd share the rest of my life with. You've never even found a woman you'd share a burrito with.
Will: Uh, Earth to Carlton, but... Cindy dumped you, man.
Carlton: She didn't dump me, Will. She was just working through a fear of intimacy caused by an overpowering father and a narcissistic mother.
Will: Sure it wasn't your breath?

Cindy: Carlton.
Carlton: Cindy.
Cindy: I have something that belongs to you. [baby cries] Say hello to Daddy.
Carlton: Excuse me. [passes out]