Vivian: This is my nephew, Will. Uh, and this is his hair.
Norma: It's a pleasure to meet you both.
Whitey: Call me Whitey.
Will: Oh, no, no, no. I'm gonna call you that then you gonna call me the other thing, and we're gonna be here fighting.
Philip: Will, Whitey is the president of a very prestigious savings and loan.
Will: Oh, really? Guess a lot of your buddies wearing suits like this now, huh?

Vivian: Philip, when Will gets here, please be nice. Otherwise, you're going to be bunking with Mr. Couch.
Philip: Woman, please do you think that you can manipulate me with sex? [laughs]
Vivian: Does James Brown have a perm?

Philip: Vivian, tell me that's not a beeper.
Ashley: Can I have one, Daddy?
Philip: When Jesse Jackson gets a job. Will, there'll be no beepers worn in this house.
Will: Yo, what's up, Uncle Phil? My mom let me wear it in Philly.
Philip: That's because she's your mother and she loves you. I'm your uncle. I just try not to hurt you.

Will: Jazz, if our friendship means anything to you, you'll open this door right now. I walked 10 miles and took four buses to get here, now open this door. [Jazz opens the door] That's more like it.
[Jazz throws Will out of his apartment building]

Vivian: Philip, Will's been gone for seven hours now. What if something's happened to him?
Philip: Don't try to cheer me up, Vivian.
Vivian: Philip, I'm serious. Do something.
Philip: What do you want me to do? I've got Geoffrey out scouring the city.
Geoffrey: [enters] I'm terribly sorry, sir, I've looked everywhere. There isn't an ice cream sandwich left in this town.

Vivian: Hold on a minute. I want to know when you had a man in the Jacuzzi.
Hilary: Look, that's my private life. That's between me, that man, and his video camera.
[Philip restrains Vivian]

Philip: Well, Will I hate to admit it, but I guess you have a point.
Will: I do?
Philip: Just because you live in my house doesn't mean I can control you.
Will: It don't?
Philip: So, you can express yourself any way you want to. Keep the clothes, keep the hair and the beeper. [chuckles] Knock yourself out.
Will: All right.
Philip: But, you know... Now, I've been thinking. You know, I have a need to express myself, too.
Will: I don't know, Uncle Phil, you might be able to get one little twist right here in the back of your neck.
Philip: [laughs] No, no, no, that's not quite what I had in mind. You see, I can't force you to do anything you don't want to do. But, these are my kids. So, as long as you keep the hair, the clothes and the beeper, you're all grounded. Good night.

Philip: Vivian, I'm sorry. It's just that it's been so peaceful here since Will's been in Philly. And, boarding school's not so bad, is it, Geoffrey? Geoffrey went to boarding school. Tell her, Geoffrey.
Geoffrey: Madam, I went to boarding school. ... And then I went to therapy.
Philip: Who asked you? Get my lunch.
Geoffrey: Right away, sir. The man has a tapeworm.

Will: Come on, Uncle Phil, I need to keep in touch with my tasties.
Philip: I beg your pardon?
Ashley: His tasties, Daddy. You know, his chubbies, his slimmies, his old ladies?
Philip: And, who are you? Queen Latifah?

Will: All right, look y'all, this is a classic case of divide and conquer. Look, Malcolm warned us about this.
Ashley: Get him!