Will: I'll help you with those, ma'am.
Elderly Woman: No you won't, worm head. And there's more where that come from, chump.

Will: What's up, man? Dang, I thought I was having a bad hair day. You going bald, man. You about to look like my uncle in a minute. I never had a dog, man, so you know, we going to swing out for a little bit, all right? You're the only friend I got, man. Oh, man! This is a Black thing, right? You're going to pee on my foot. All right, you got that.

Female voice: You are too close to the vehicle.
Will: Who said that?
Female voice: You are too close to the vehicle.
Will: I heard you the first time.
Female voice: You have 10 seconds to move away before the alarm activates.
Will: Oh, really now? [hums Jeopardy! theme] Ten seconds, I knew you was full of it. [alarm blares] Chill, chill!
Police Officer: Who are you talking to, son?
Will: Uh, actually, I was talking to the car, Officer.
Police Officer: Oh, the car talks?
Will: No, it's kind of fly, actually. Check it out.
Police Officer: Nuh-uh.
Will: No, no, chill, no, watch. No, no, wait, wait, hold it. Check it out, check it out. The car, it say, "move or I'll kill you," or something like that. Guess the cat's got its tongue. [laughs] Damn!
Female voice: You are too close to the vehicle.

Philip: Ashley, what are you doing out of bed?
Ashley: I'm worried about Will. Why did you throw him out into the street, Daddy?
Philip: I did not throw him into the street.
Geoffrey: Quite right, sir. You threw him on the lawn. He rolled into the street.
Hilary: Daddy, we couldn't find Will anywhere. And, sorry, no ice cream sandwiches.
Carlton: Well, looks like you really blew it this time, huh, big guy? I just hope the Willster's still breathing.

Vivian: Will! Oh, honey, thank God you're safe.
Will: Hi, Aunt Viv.
Vivian: Ooh, you stink.
Will: Boy, it's good to be home.
Philip: Is there a problem, Officer?
Will: Oh, oh, right. Just 'cause I come in the crib in the middle of the night escorted by a police officer, you think something's wrong. See how he be trying to play me, Fred?
Philip: Thank you so much for bringing him home, Officer.
Police Officer: Well, Will, I guess I better beat it. [shakes hands with Will] Good night, folks.

Will: What, I got a boogie?
Vivian: Will, I am very disappointed in you. I can't believe the trouble you've caused this family.
Philip: Your aunt's right. You've been back from Philly one day you insult a client and you storm out of this house like a crazy man and worry this family half to death. And I don't appreciate the influence you're having on your cousin Ashley.
Ashley: He's not a bad influence on me, Daddy. I have a mind of my own. If that's okay with you.
Will: See, look at that. It's like you got her brainwashed.
Philip: That's right, and it took me 13 years to do it.