Will: Is this the saddest sight that you've seen, man? Other than your girlfriend in biker shorts?
Ashley: We are doing just fine, thank you.
Hilary: As a matter of fact, as soon as we put it together, we'll be done.

Philip: Mama wasn't playing cards with Mrs. Sweeting last night. She was out with Ed, the handyman. I saw them kissing good night.
Vivian: Um, sweetheart, I understand why you're upset but your parents had a long, wonderful marriage. But your mother's been alone for almost a year now. Can you imagine how lonely she must be? If she's found someone, can't you just be happy for her?
Philip: No.
Vivian: Philip, think about it. If you die tomorrow, what would you want me to do?
Philip: Jump in with me and bring the kids.
Vivian: Oh, you don't mean that.
Philip: You're right. Leave the kids.

Vivian: So, Ed, Hattie tells us that you grew up on a farm.
Ed: That's right, a horse farm.
Philip: My daddy had a horse.
Carlton: Mr. Downer, what breed did you raise?
Ed: Appaloosas. They have the most beautiful spotted coats.
Philip: My dad had a spotted coat, then he had it cleaned.
Ashley: Did you have any other animals on your farm?
Ed: Of course, we had chickens, cows, and a great old dog named Brownie.
Philip: My dad loved brownies. He once ate a whole pan-full.
Will: That explains a lot.

Will: It's Willsenio Smith! Tonight, on The Willsenio Smith Show a boy making a videotape for his mama. Give it up for him. Hi, Mom, it's me. You know, Aunt Viv told me that you finally came into the '90s, and you bought a VCR. So I thought I'd make a little tape for you. Well, I've grown a little bit since you've seen me, about an inch and a half. Oh, and check this out, I got some chest hairs now. Look. See? Digger One there. Digger one... Oh, that must have been sweater lint. Well, anyway, hold up. We'll be right back after these messages. Have you ever felt, you know, not so fresh? No, just kidding, Mama. Hold on, hold on, check it out. Got an A+ on my Spanish test. Man, muchos brainos en el cabeza, si? Man. But, yo, I better vmonos 'cause you know how Uncle Phil gets if anybody hold up dinner.
Philip: [o.s.] Will!
Will: [speaks Spanish] That means, "How much is the espadrilles?" Hey, yo. I don't know how to say, "l miss you, Mom." But I do. All right. Adios. Oh, cut it, Ash.

Vivian: Oh, Hattie, thank you for making breakfast. You know, you were out so late last night, I thought you would sleep in.
Hattie: Oh, honey, I've been going to bed with the chickens all of my life. But, you know, when you're out having a good time, the last thing you think about is the bed.
Philip: Well, I'm glad to hear that. [exits]
Hilary: I don't know what's gotten into Dad but if he's dieting again, I'm moving to a hotel.

Hilary: So what happened to your farm?
Ed: My son's there. I passed it on to him, like my dad got it from his parents.
Philip: My dad had parents. We called them Grandmom and Grandpop.
Hattie: Zeke, honey, it smells like my dessert is ready. Would you go check on it for me, please?
Ed: Mmm. Smells like sweet-potato pie.
Philip: My dad liked-
All: Sweet-potato pie!

Hattie: You miss your father a lot, don't you, Zeke?
Philip: Somebody has to.
Hattie: What do you mean by that?
Philip: I was standing right there. I saw you kiss Ed good night, and now he's sitting in my daddy's place.
Hattie: You're the one who invited him to dinner and I'm glad you did.
Philip: Don't you feel anything for Daddy, anything at all?
Hattie: You really want to know how I feel? I'll tell you. I'm angry, Zeke.
Philip: Angry? Why, Mama?
Hattie: Because he promised he'd never leave me. Crazy as it may seem, I believed him. One morning last month, I woke up early, went downstairs singing, got a big breakfast on the stove. Suddenly, I realized I was the only one there to eat it. Remembering is easy, Zeke. It's the times that I forget he's gone that I can't stand.
Philip: Oh, Mama, I am so sorry. It's just that I lost Daddy and when I saw you with Ed, I thought I was gonna lose you, too.
Hattie: You're not gonna lose me, Zeke. Of course you may have to loan me out on occasion. [they hug] You can let go now, Zeke.
Philip: As soon as Ed leaves.

Hilary: This is perfection. You'll notice the smooth motion, graceful lines, and elegant style. And the bike looks great, too.

Will: Hilary, your makeup's here.
Hilary: No, it's one of your friends from Philly, too cheap to buy an airline ticket.
Will: No, this is my new exercise bike. I'm gonna use it to develop my huge legs. You know, I figure I'll need them to support my massive chest and my 24-inch pythons.

Carlton: This equal-opportunity thing has gone just a little too far. I can't believe they're letting girls play on my intramural baseball team.
Hilary: Ooh, next thing you know, they'll be letting us vote.
Carlton: Don't even get me started on that issue. Women have their place, but men are the cornerstone of civilization. Not only are we good at men-things, but we're good at women-things, too.
Ashley: I can't believe you're serious. Hilary and I could do a so-called man-thing a lot better than either of you could do a so-called woman-thing.
Carlton: Would you care to place a little wager? I bet you couldn't... Couldn't, um...
Will: Assemble an exercise bike. Oh, my goodness. We got one right here!