Hilary: Well, we could do that a lot better than you could...
Ashley: Sew a dress. I saw it on The Brady Bunch.
Carlton: You're on.
Will: Another planet, man. I ain't sewing no dress.
Hilary: In other words, you can't sew no dress.
Will: Well, what? Are you crazy? We'd do a dress like that. [snaps fingers]
Carlton: And that includes a full smocking and smart pleat.
Ashley: Then it's set. The loser has to help Alice in the kitchen. I mean Geoffrey.

Philip: Well, is Grandma here yet? How does she look?
Will: If I was 50 years old I'd definitely take her out for a bucket of chicken.

Vivian: Your mother loves her room. She's been clapping the lights on and off for the last 20 minutes.
Philip: You know, ever since Grandpa died last year I've been trying to get Grandma to move out here with us. So I want everybody to cheer her up. I mean, I don't want her moping around in some old housecoat all day.
Hattie: [enters] Zeke.
Philip: Mama.
Hattie: It's so good to see you, baby.
Philip: Mama. You look so fluorescent.
Hattie: Don't I though? I am three pounds lighter, a whole lot tighter and I'm dressed to chill.

Philip: Well, Mama, I've got a busy day planned for you tomorrow. They're having a solitaire tournament out at the Bide-Away Retirement Villas and after that there's a pudding buffet.
Hattie: Oh-wee. Sounds like fun, but I don't think I can take all that excitement.
Will: Hey, hold up. I don't know, Granny. Last week they served tapioca. Man, the cops had to break that joint up.

Carlton: We're gonna win this bet, Will. I love the neckline, and the fabric's great. And the color really brings out my eyes.
Will: How are you doing, Granny? What do you think?
Hattie: Six years of Oprah, and this is still a shock.
Carlton: It's a bet, Grandma.
Hattie: Don't tell me what happens if you lose. In fact, I don't want to know what happens if you win. Oh, hell, just let's never mention it again.
Philip: Son? And I use that term loosely. What's going on?
Carlton: Dad, it's not what it looks like. Will and I are making a dress.
Philip: That's exactly what it looks like.
Will: Look, Carlton, let's just go upstairs and pick out some accessories, man. Mmm. Work it, honey.

Hilary: Seat. Handlebars. Pedals. Hey, we're doing great. Give me. Oh. "Tools needed: pliers and a wrench with a ratchet head." Sounds like somebody with a bad haircut.
Ashley: What else?
Hilary: Oh, goody! Listen to this: "Do not overexert yourself or work to exhaustion." We have to stop, Ashley.

Philip: Yes, well, we had a nice long chat while we were walking up the driveway and it seems you two gals have a lot in common.
Hattie: Oh, isn't that nice? What?
Mrs. Sweeting: I crochet. I play cards. Did I mention I crochet?
Hilary: Excuse me, I just remembered I have some pantyhose soaking upstairs.
Vivian: [loudly] Mrs. Sweeting, may I ask what you're making?
Mrs. Sweeting: An afghan. That's what I make, afghans, only afghans. Not scarves, not tablecloths, not doilies.
Carlton: I think I'll go translate the Dead Sea Scrolls.
Ashley: Well, I'll go with you. You can never learn that stuff too early.
Philip: While you two ladies get acquainted I think I'll go check and see what Geoffrey's doing in the kitchen.
Mrs. Sweeting: Bitchin'? Is he going surfing? I thought we were gonna have lunch.
Hattie: Well, I wish I could stay. It's so nice getting to know your friends but Will and I have to go...
Will: Bungee jumping.
Hattie: Oh, that's right. Nice meeting you, Miss Sweet Thing. Come on, honey.

Vivian: Philip, I'll be out in a minute. I have slipped into something that will knock your socks off.
Philip: My socks are already off. Just come out naked.

Philip: No, dear, I'm talking about this note here. "Dear Vivian and Zeke, I'm going over to my new friend's to play cards. Love, Mama."
Vivian: Your mother went over to Mrs. Sweeting's? I don't believe it.
Philip: I hate to say I told you so.
Vivian: Then don't. Help me turn down the bed instead.
Philip: I mean, why shouldn't they hit it off? They're both about the same age.
Vivian: So are you and Mick Jagger.

Vivian: Philip, can I help you with your shirt?
Philip: You know, the important thing is, Mama's got a new friend now.
Vivian: Philip, your mother is fine. She really, really is. Stop worrying. And this nightgown cost $160.
Philip: No, she's not fine. Believe me, Vivian, this chipper act is strictly for my benefit. I'm gonna wait up for Mama and see if she needs anything before she goes to bed.
Vivian: Philip. There's something I'd like before I go to bed.
Philip: I'll bring you some sugar cookies.