Philip: Has anybody seen my bathrobe? Will?
Will: No, not me, Uncle Phil. Hey, after the last time, I just bought a car cover.

Ashley: Mom, I can't find my cassette player. Does anybody know what happened to it? [looks at Will]
Will: Oh, sure, blame the Black guy.
Carlton: Mother, somebody took my address book. I'd hate to think what might happen if it fell into the wrong hands.
[Jazz walks in wearing a bathrobe with his arm around a young woman]
Jazz: Hola, amigos.
Ashley: That's my cassette player.
Philip: That's my bathrobe.
Carlton: That's my girlfriend.
Philip: You're out of here, fella.

Will: Now, wait, Uncle Phil. Now, picture this: A man, down on his luck lost his woman, lost his job, lost his hope. But enough about Marion Barry. Can Jazz stay here?
Philip: Not a chance.
Vivian: Jazz, what Mr. Banks means is that Geoffrey's not feeling well right now, and it's just not the best time for us to have houseguests.
Jazz: Mr. Banks, I'll earn my keep. I'll do whatever Geoffrey does.
Philip: Geoffrey bathes.
Jazz: I can learn.

Will: That's it, Jazz. I've had it with you, man! I'm about to... thank you for starching my lucky drawers. They're so clean and supportive.
Jazz: Not only that, they're bulletproof.

Vivian: Dr. Hudson, this is my nephew Will, and his friend Jazz.
Will: Hey, what's up, man?
Alec: Hi. Call me Alec.
Will: All right.
Alec: [notices Will's badge] Malcolm's one of my heroes, too.
Hilary: Oh, I idolize Malcolm. He's the only reason I watch The Cosby Show.

Lisa: You know, I think the whole idea of a woman's place being in the kitchen is absolutely absurd.
Alec: How could anyone disagree with that?
Hilary: Well, not me. Shall we move this conversation to a less oppressive room?
Alec: But on the other hand, if a woman enjoys cooking I find her very hard to resist.
Hilary: Who's up for meatloaf?

Jazz: I mean, we've been beating around the bush much too long. Mr. Banks, I'm willing to take Hilary off your hands.
Will: Jazz, would you prefer a Muslim or a Viking burial?
Jazz: I mean, she ain't getting any younger. I'll put a roof over her head. I might be willing to look into a marriage license if she performs on the test drive.
Vivian: Philip, get him.
Jazz: What'd I do?
[Philip throws Jazz out of the back door, followed by the Bill Cosby cut-out]

Geoffrey: [sneezes]
Vivian: Geoffrey, it sounds like you're getting a cold.
Geoffrey: Not at all, madam. It was barely a stipple. There you go, Master William.
Will: Thanks a lot, G. It looks great. [Geoffrey sneezes into Will's bowl of cereal] Yo, Carlton, breakfast!
Vivian: That's it, Geoffrey. As of now, you are off duty. Now I want you to go up to your room and don't breathe until you get there.
Geoffrey: As you bish, madam.

Philip: All right, Jazz can stay.
Will: All right, man.
Jazz: I sleep naked with the window open. I hope that don't bother you.
Will: No, that's cool with me. You're sleeping in Carlton's room.

Hilary: Oh, my God, Will.
Will: What? What is it?
Hilary: These people are all sick.
Will: Oh, get the heck out of here.